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Answer
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"Here's Johnny!" he says, and second fiddle is his game / Ed McMahon's his name, alright
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Melanie / What can the problem be? / Sweet Melanie / Why won't you go out with me?
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My spleen just doesn't matter / Don't really care about my bladder / But I don't leave home without my pancreas
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If I'm bitten by a zombie, I'm probably not telling you / If you don't think that's bad, guess what, then you're tacky, too
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Turn it off, turn it off / I don't want to have to see The Brady Bunch
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Art Fleming gave the answers / Oh, but I couldn't get the questions right-ight-ight / I lost on Jeopardy, baby
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Traffic jam, I haven't moved one inch from this here spot / Traffic jam, the freeway's one big parking lot
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When I told you that I loved you / With those tender words I spoke / I was only kidding
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(Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding / (Germs) But they just come right back again
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It's Christmas at ground zero / The button has been pressed / The radio just let us know / That this is not a test
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Don't mind that, I'm protected 'cause I made this hat / From aluminum foil
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I saw the little runt sitting there on a log / I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said, "Yoda"
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Everything you know is wrong / Black is white, up is down, and short is long
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My velvet Elvis, my velvet Elvis / My velvet Elvis means the world to me, yo, yo, yo
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Let me be your hog / Let me be your hog, now / I said, baby, baby, baby / Baby, baby, baby, baby / Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby
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Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts? / You can have them all... / They're on Craigslist
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Ringtone! / Why did I buy this stupid ringtone? / I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all
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I make the best darn waffles this world has ever seen / I'm the Waffle King
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Go and buy the CD like you know that you should / Oh, don't download this song
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Ay, you-a pass the lasagna / A-don't you get any on ya, you sloppy pig
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Grapefruit diet / Throw out the pizza and beer / Grapefruit diet / Now get those jelly donuts out of here
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My barista didn't even bother to make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla latte! / First world, first world problems
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You're the woman that I've always dreamed of / Well, not really but you're good enough for now
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The years go by but the memory stays / And those were the good old days
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'Cause you can spit in the wind, or tug on Superman's cape / But Lord knows you just don't mess around with CNR
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A used pink bathrobe / A rare mint snowglobe / A Smurf TV tray / I bought on eBay
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This song is just six words long / Couldn't think of any lyrics / No, I never wrote the lyrics
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I wanna b ur lovr, baby / I need somebody to love
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Like a surgeon, hey / Cuttin' for the very first time / Like a surgeon / Got your kidneys on my mind
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I think I'm a clone now / There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
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And I'm only comfortable talking about it / When the whole wide world is listening in / Talk soup
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Don't go makin' phony calls / Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to
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(Operators are standing by, how does that make you feel?) / Help me / Mr. Popeil!
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Every stupid hoax, all those corny jokes / Stop forwarding that crap to me
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Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off
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I guess it won't be long until we're all gonna die / Happy birthday / Happy birthday to you
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She never told me she was a mime, oh no / Actin' like she's trapped inside a big glass box all the time
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Living with a hernia / All the time, such aggravation / Living with a hernia / Gonna be my ruination
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'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass / Than spend one more minute with you
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When are you cosmic cowboys / Gonna get it through your heads? / I'll be mellow when I'm dead
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I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for short / I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support / It's all about the Pentiums, what?
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I'm so handy, you already know / I'll fix your plumbing when your toilets overflow
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Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra / Doing in my underwear drawer? / Sometimes I get to thinking you don't love me anymore
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Don't you call me pudgy, portly or stout / Just now tell me once again who's fat
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Yeah, every day I make the front page news / No time to pay my dues / I got a million pairs of shoes / This is the life
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Nature Trail to Hell (In 3-D) / Nature Trail to Hell (In 3-D) / Nature Trail to Hell / In 3-D
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Well, guess what? My birthday and Kim Kardashian's / Are exactly the same / I got a lame / Lame claim to fame
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You can scratch up my records, you can drink my booze / But baby, please don't wear those shoes
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She drives like crazy / Her car's a mess / She drives like crazy / She's got a death wish I guess
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I want a new duck / One that won't try to bite / One that won't chew a hole in my socks / One that won't quack all night
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Hey, stand up / Toothless people / The breath is lethal
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And baby you can have whatever you like / I said you can even have the large fries
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Well, his hair was a mess and his clothes didn't fit / He smelled pretty bad and he drooled just a bit / But you gotta admit / Boy, that boy could dance
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When I was your age / Didn't have no telephone, didn't have no fax machine
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Don't play that song, that achy breaky song / The most annoying song I know
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I might be wearing Swiss cheese or may be covered with bees / It doesn't mean I'm crazy—I perform this way
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It was like, the last day before trash day / My place was getting kinda nasty
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Put your Viking helmet on / Spread that mayonnaise on the lawn / Don't you know it's Weasel Stomping Day?
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Ooh, I think the toast is done, the toast is done / Top it with a little of my bologna
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He's Gump, He's Gump / What's in his head? / He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump / Is he inbred?
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The Nazis tied me up and covered me with ants / And I spilled toxic waste on my brand new pants / Just one of those days
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And it's all guaranteed to never shrink or fade / Cause of my reputation as the King of Suede
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Aliens from outer space are sleeping in my car / Midnight Star, I wanna know, I wanna know
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Here she come now, wants her alimony / Bleedin' me dry as a bony pony
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Wee, I've often seen them whipped, but they just can't be beat / Now I'm gonna have to face it, I'm addicted to spuds
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Gonna buy me a condo / Gonna buy me a Cuisinart
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Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey? / No, I don't think we are! / You're close! / But no cigar!
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I'll never forget about Larry / No matter how I try / No matter how I try / Oh I remember Larry
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How ya doin', Bernie? (Oy vey! Oy vey!) / And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi
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They say, "That's the biggest screen we've ever seen!" / It's Frank's 2000" TV
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It costs me fifty bucks a month just to see 'em / Yeah, but that's all right with me / I got cable TV
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They're not very nice to the human race / (Slime creatures from outer space)
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And another comes on and another comes on / Another one rides the bus / Hey, he's gonna sit by you / Another one rides the bus
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I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize / That's right, a first class one-way ticket / To Albuquerque
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Just eat it, eat it / Get yourself an egg and beat it
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Every time I shake your hand now / Wanna stick your fingers in my mouth / Well, do I creep you out?
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Beverly hillbillies / Now lookie here people, listen to my story / A little story 'bout a man named Jed
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You set my ever-lovin' heart on fire, Airline Amy / Tell me I'm your favorite frequent flier, Airline Amy
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Tuesday morning, 8:15 / I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express
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Welcome to my new place, to my new place / Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place / Whoa oh, whoa I'm, really inactive, I'm so inactive
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I'll sue ya, I'll take all your money / I'll sue ya, if you even look at me funny
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Bite off more than you can chew / What can you do? / Dare to be stupid
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There's no feeling any greater / Than to shoot first and ask questions later / Now I'm trigger happy, trigger happy every day
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George, George, George of the jungle / Strong as he can be / Ahhh / Watch out for that tree
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Don't change the channel, don't touch that dial / We got it all on UHF
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Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot / Don't wanna be some beer-swillin' hockey nut
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I know you'll never be as wonderful as me / But at least you can try / 'Cause I'm such a groovy guy
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Oh Ricky, you're so fine / You play your bongos all the time
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If you can name the object in that baggie over there / Then mister, you're a better man than I / It's livin' in the fridge
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Suddenly I'm bowling on the Starship Enterprise / I fall down a hole and that's when I realize / I'm stuck in a closet with Vanna White
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She said, "Hey, you fool, now just be cool / I'm watchin' that Gilligan's Isle thing"
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Oh, girls just want to have lunch / I know how to keep a woman satisfied / When I whip out my diner's card their eyes get so wide
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With my own eyes / I see things that'd drive a normal man insane / Wish I could disconnect my brain / From my own eyes
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I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride / Skipper Dan is the name
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Sometimes you make me want to build a model / Of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian waffles
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Stop draggin' my car around / Oh man, I just got the hubcaps painted
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Yo, I told ya / (I can't watch this) / Change the channel now, man / (I can't watch this)
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I'm sure we'd be happy together / If only one little thing weren't true / Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi / I'm so sick of you
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Virus alert! Delete immediately before someone gets hurt / Forward this message on to everybody
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Since you've been gone / Well, I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
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Sometimes we don't return our shopping carts / Stay out of our way and don't you give us no lip / 'Cause we're young, dumb and ugly
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And I've got some space here, on the side of my face here / For another tattoo, baby
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And if they ever catch you picking your nose / Or stumblin' down the street on a drunken spree / You're on TMZ
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Expect a big surprise today / When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick / That's your horoscope for today
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Spin the spinner and call the shot / Twister ties you up in a knot
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I love the white stuff, baby / In the middle of an Oreo
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Attack of the radioactive hamsters from a planet near Mars / A race from a distant place / They came in UFOs shaped just like Cuban cigars
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The night Santa went crazy / The night Kris Kringle went nuts
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Yesterday it occurred to me / That I've been watching a bit too much Jerry Springer
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They see me roll on my Segway / I know in my heart they think I'm white & nerdy
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I memorized all the enemy spies I've got to neutralize today / Yeeeaaahhh, it's a party in the CIA
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Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her / Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
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Don't know why, mon frere / But they love me there / I'm a genius in France
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Got a few more pickled wieners and a diet chocolate soda / On our way to see the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
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Taco Grande / Well, there's not a taco big enough for a man like me / That's why I order two or three
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Spam in the place where I live (Ham and pork) / Think about nutrition, wonder what's inside it now (Oh, boy)
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Oprah Winfrey talks to me, every day at three / Then soon it'll be 'Wheel' and 'Jeopardy' / Syndicated Incorporated
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Harvey the Wonder Hamster / He doesn't bite and he doesn't squeal / He just runs around on his hamster wheel
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I've churned butter once or twice / Living in an Amish paradise
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Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark / All the dinosaurs are running wild
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Well, Saturday night it's the place to be / Everybody cut footloose with me / At the party at the leper colony
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I'm climbin' up, up the corporate ladder / Watch out, it's dog eat dog
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Plus now on top of everything else / It looks like I'm gonna be late to work / Why does this always happen? / Why does this always happen to me?
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And If that isn't love / If that isn't love / If that isn't love, I don't know what love is
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Freedom's just seven digits away, hey / I'm callin' in sick today
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I'm gonna make your dreams come true / The check's in the mail, would I lie to you?
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Can't read my, can't read my / No, he can't read my polka face
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I love Rocky Road / So won't you go and buy half a gallon, baby
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I'm goin', goin', I'm a-goin' to the goin' to the I'm goin', really goin' to the goin' I'm goin' to the oh yes, I'm goin' to the hardware store
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You know they really paid their dues / I said, "Hey, lawdy mama" / "They got them Buckingham blues"
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I hate these word crimes / Like "I could care less" / That means you do care / At least a little
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Mr. Frump in the Iron Lung
Theme From Rocky XIII
Generic Blues
Smells Like Nirvana
The Plumbing Song
Bedrock Anthem
Cavity Search
The Saga Begins
The Weird Al Show Theme
Truck Drivin' Song
Couch Potato
A Complicated Song
Ode to a Superhero
Bob
Confessions Part III
Trapped in the Drive-Thru
Sports Song
Mission Statement
Every polka medley except Polka Face
Also, Lasagna appears in the lyrics to Bob. So Bob appears in a song's lyrics, and a different song's title appears in Bob, but it doesn't appear in its own.