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#1
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Essays
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1996
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The Amazing McNugget Diet
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2002
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1,400 Mexican Moz Fans Can't Be (Totally) Wrong
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2002
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Not a Whole Lotta Love
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2002
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The Stranger
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2002
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The Ratt Trap
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2003
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This Is Emo
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2003
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Billy Sim
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2003
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What Happens When People Stop Being Polite
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2003
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Every Dog Must Have His Every Day, Every Drunk Must Have His Drink
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2003
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Appetite for Replication
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2003
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Ten Seconds to Love
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2003
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George Will vs. Nick Hornby
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2003
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33
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2003
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Porn
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2003
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The Lady or the Tiger
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2003
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Being Zack Morris
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2003
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Sulking with Lisa Loeb on the Ice Planet Hoth
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2003
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The Awe-Inspiring Beauty of Tom Cruise's Shattered, Troll-Like Face
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2003
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Toby Over Moby
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2003
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This Is Zodiac Speaking
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2003
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All I Know Is What I Read in the Papers
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2003
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I, Rock Chump
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2003
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How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found
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2003
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Southern-Fried Sex Kitten
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2003
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Bending Spoons with Britney Spears
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2003
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Fitter, Happier
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2003
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No More Knives
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2003
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Monogamy
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2004
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Mysterious Days
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2004
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Band on the Couch
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2004
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Nemesis
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2004
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Advancement
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2004
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I Do Not Hate the Olympics
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2004
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Not Guilty
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2005
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Crazy Things Seem Normal, Normal Things Seem Crazy
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2005
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The Karl Marx of the Hardwood
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2005
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Dude Rocks Like a Lady
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2005
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Pirates
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2006
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(This Happened in) October
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2006
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Call Me Lizard King. No...Really. I Insist.
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2006
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Viva Morrissey!
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2006
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Chomp Chomp
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2006
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McDiculous
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2006
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My Second-Favorite Canadian
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2006
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Deep Blue Something
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2006
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The 70s Cruise
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2006
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Deep Sabbath
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2006
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In the Beginning, There Was Zoso
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2006
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Disposable Heroes
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2006
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Unbuttoning the Hardest Button to Button
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2006
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Garage Days Unvisited
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2006
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The Ice Planet Goth
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2006
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Something Wicked This Way Comes
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2006
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The American Radiohead
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2006
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Ghost Story
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2006
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Bowling for the Future (and Possibly Horse Carcasses)
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2006
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Local Clairvoyants Split Over Future
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2006
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But I Still Think 'All for Leyna' Is Awesome
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2006
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Someone Like You
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2006
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Taking the Streets to the Music
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2006
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Untitled Geezer Profile
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2006
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Five Interesting Corpses
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2006
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How Real Is Real
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2006
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The Tenth Beatle
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2006
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Here's 'Johnny' 207
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2006
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Fargo Rock City, for Real
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2006
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To Be Scene, or Not to Be Seen
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2006
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The Grizzly Hypothetical
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2006
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The Transformation Hypothetical
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2006
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The Unknown Companion Hypothetical
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2006
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The Dress Code Hypothetical
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2006
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Three Stories Involving Pants
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2006
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Don't Look Back in Anger
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2006
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The Brain Pill Hypothetical
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2006
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The Life Plagiarist Hypothetical
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2006
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Cultural Betrayal
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2006
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The Universal Morality Hypothetical
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2006
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The Joe Six-Pack Hypothetical
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2006
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Certain Rock Bands You Probably Like
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2006
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The Hitler Theft Hypothetical
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2006
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The Robot War Hypothetical
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2006
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Robots
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2006
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The Cannibal's Quandary
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2006
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Super People
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2006
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The Apocalypse Hypothetical
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2006
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Television
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2006
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The General Tso's Hypothetical
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2006
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Singularity
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2006
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Something That Isn't True at All
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2006
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You Tell Me
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2006
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When Giants Walked the Earth (and Argued About China)
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2007
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Everybody's Happy When the Wizard Walks By (Or Maybe Not? Maybe They Hate It? Hard to Say, Really)
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2007
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The Drugs Don't Work (Actually They Work Great)
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2007
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The City That Time Remembered (Tulsa, Oklahoma)
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2008
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Not a Nutzo Girl, Not Yet a Nutzo Woman (Miley Cyrus, 2008)
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2009
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Something Instead of Nothing
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2009
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Oh, the Guilt
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2009
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Tomorrow Rarely Knows
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2009
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What We Talk About When We Talk About Ralph Sampson
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2009
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Through a Glass, Blindly
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2009
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The Passion of the Garth
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2009
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Going Nowhere and Getting There Never
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2009
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The Best Response
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2009
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Football
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2009
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ABBA 1, World 0
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2009
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'Ha Ha,' He Said. 'Ha Ha.'
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2009
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It Will Shock You How Much It Never Happened
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2009
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All the Kids Are Right
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2009
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T Is for True
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2009
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FAIL
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2009
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Like Regular Music, Except Good
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2010
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My Zombie, Myself: Why Modern Life Feels Rather Undead
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2010
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I'm Assuming It's Going to Be Fun
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2010
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A Road Seldom Traveled by the Multitudes
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2010
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I Hear That You and Your Band Have Sold Your Guitars
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2011
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Three-Man Weave
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2011
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Liquid Food
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2011
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Where Were You When We Were Getting High?
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2011
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I Need to Be Alive (in Order to Watch TV)
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2011
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I Will Choose Free Will (Canadian Reader's Note: This Is Not About Rush)
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2011
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Speed Kills (Until It Doesn't)
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2012
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The Light Who Has Lighted the World
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2012
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Use Your Illusion (But Don't Bench Ginóbili)
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2013
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What You Say About His Company Is What You Say About Society
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2013
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Another Thing That Interests Me About the Eagles Is That I [Am Contractually Obligated to] Hate Them
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2013
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Villains Who Are Not Villains
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2013
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Easier Than Typing
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2013
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Human Clay
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2013
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Without a Gun They Can't Get None
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2013
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Arrested for Smoking
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2013
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Electric Funeral
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2013
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"I Am Perplexed" [This Is Why, This Is Why They Hate You]
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2013
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Crime and Punishment (or the Lack Thereof)
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2013
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Hitler Is in the Book
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2013
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The Problem of Overrated Ideas
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2013
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Brown Would Be the Color (If I Had a Heart)
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2013
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White's Shadow
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2015
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There's Something Peculiar About Lying in a Dark Room. You Can't See Anything.
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2015
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C'Mon Dave, Gimme a Break
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2015
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Owner of a Lonely Heart
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2016
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But What If We're Wrong? (Drink the Acid, Swallow the Mouse)
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2017
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That's Not How It Happened
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2017
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The Enemy of My Enemy Is Probably Just Another Enemy
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2017
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House Mouse in the Mouse House
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2017
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The Opposite in Beyoncé
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