Favorite Jokes of All Time

A woman walks into a grocery store. She purchases the following items: three bananas, a yoplait, a bag of whole bean coffee, and some toilet paper. The cashier glances at the groceries, then looks up at her. He goes,

“I can tell you’re single.”

She looks surprised. “Hehe, how can you tell~?”

“Because you’re ugly.”

Two men are sitting at a bar in the deep south, making small talk.

Guy 1: “Where ye from?”

Guy 2: “Ireland.”

Guy 1: “I’m from Ireland! Whereabouts in Ireland?”

Guy 2: “Tipperary.”

Guy 1: “I’M from Tipperary!!! Where’d ye go to school?”

Guy 2: “Sacred Hill School for Boys!”

Guy 1: “You’re pullin’ me leg! I went there!”

Guy 2: “Maybe we were in the same class. When were you born?”

Both at same time: “New Year’s Day, 1970!!!”

The two erupt in cheers, as another man is watching this all go down. He looks over at the bartender. “Well, ain’t that somethin’!”

The bartender puts down the mug he was cleaning. “No the hell it ain’t! The O’Leary twins are drunk as a skunk again!”

A teenage boy is meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time. She tells him, “Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll love you,” though it does nothing to calm his nerves. They go up to the door and he meets her mom. She gives him a warm welcome, and he comes in and meets her father, this big army-ranger type guy. He shakes his hand, his sweaty palm engrossed in his iron-like grip.

They sit down for dinner, and the boy is seated right next to her father. Underneath his chair sits their twelve-year-old beagle, Max. The nerves bubble up in the boy’s stomach, as he is holding in the mother of all farts. Eventually, to his horror, a small fart squeaks out of him. The dad doesn’t even look up from his plate.

“Maaax.”

The boy sighs with relief, his heart pounding. He thinks it was the dog! The gas is, however, still painfully bubbling up in his stomach. A few minutes later, he lets another one slip to test the waters.

“Max!” The dad yells.

“Oh, don’t mind him,” her mother states. The boy once again feels relieved. Eventually, he can’t take it anymore and lets it rip. The dad looks down at the dog.

“Max! Get out from under there before the boy craps all over you!”

An old man is sitting on a park bench, smoking a cigarette. Next to him are two empty bags of McDonald’s. A woman passing by stops and turns to him.

“Excuse me sir, I’m not trying to be rude or interject, but I’m a dietitian. I just wanted to warn you that eating that much fast food and smoking increases your risk of heart disease and cancer tenfold, especially at your age.”

The guy takes a hit off his cigarette. “I appreciate your concern, but my father smoked two packs a day and had a lard sandwich every day, and he lived to be 102.” The dietitian looks surprised at this. “And his father, he smoked three packs a day and washed down his lard sandwiches with a bottle of Johnnie Walker, and he lived to be 105.”

The dietitian looks surprised. “Well, that’s certainly impressive.”

The guy takes another hit off his cigarette. “You want to know how they lived to be 102 and 105? They had a secret.”

The dietitian, puzzled, leaned in. “Do tell.”

“They knew how to mind their own damn business.”

Two muffins are sitting in an oven.

Muffin 1: “Boy, it sure is hot in here.”

Muffin 2: “Holy crap, a talking muffin!”

A guy arrives in New York on a business trip, having flown in from a small town in Iowa. He gets a cab and sets off for the hotel. The cab driver asks him, “Do you like riddles?”

“Yeah,” he says with curiosity. The driver continues, pointing to a photo of a young man on the mirror.

“Brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man’s father is my father’s son. Who am I talking about?”

The guys thinks for a few minutes, trying to wrap his head around the riddle. “I got nothin’.”

“Well I’m talking about myself. See, I have no siblings, and ‘this man’s father’ would be my father’s son. So ‘this man’ in the photo is my son, and his father would be me.” The guy sits there, comprehending the riddle.

“Huh, I guess you’re right! That’s pretty cool! Hey, can you take me back to the airport please?”

The cab driver is confused. “But we’re almost at the hotel.”

“Please, I’ll pay you extra. I’ve gotta tell my wife that one. She LOVES riddles.”

The driver, perplexed but amused, drives him back. “Here we are.”

“Hey, thanks man.” The guy hands the driver the money. “What’s your name?”

“Mahmoud,” he replies. He shakes his hand.

“Thanks, Mahmoud. Nice meeting you!”

The cab leaves, and the guy catches the first flight home to Iowa. His wife gets home from work, and sees her husband eagerly waiting at the door to greet her.

“Hey honey, you gotta hear this!”

She looked at him with confusion. “You’re supposed to be in New York! What about your important business meeting?”

“It’s okay! I’ll reschedule it! Please, you gotta hear this riddle! Trust me, it’s really cool!”

She sighs at her husband’s usual antics. “Fine, Harold.”

“Okay, so brothers and sisters I’ve got none, but… but this guy’s father is my father’s son! Who am I?”

His wife ponders it for several moments. “Hm, I really don’t know. Who?”

“Some cab driver named Mahmoud.”

My Spanish teacher doubled as a magician back in high school. On the last day of class, she counted, “Uno… dos…”

And she vanished without a tres.

A man is caught in the middle of Hurricane Katrina. He’s in a desperate situation, as he’s on the roof of his house. The water is so high, it’s splashing against his legs. A rescue boat goes by. The rescuers toss him a raft. “Here, grab on!”

The man puts his hand up. “I have faith in God, He will save me.” The rescuer urges him to get into the boat, but the man refuses. Eventually the boat speeds off. Eventually, the water gets higher, and is now up to his neck. A helicopter flies down and extends a rope.

“Grab on!” the rescuers yell, and once again, the man looks up at the sky.

“I have faith in God, He will save me!”

Eventually due to perilous conditions, the helicopter leaves as well. Before long, the last of the man’s strength leaves him, and he drowns. He awakens at the gates of Heaven, where he is greeted by God.

“Welcome, my son.” The man looks around with tears of joy, before pain and confusion set in. He looks up at his creator.

“Lord, I’ve always been a faithful Christian. I’ve lived a good life, free of temptation, always trying to do the right thing, and always trying to spread the word of your glory. Why, in my final and most desperate moments, did you let me drown?”

God gives him a puzzled look. “Dude. I sent you a boat AND a helicopter.”

A  Jewish grandmother is playing with her baby grandson by the beach. Suddenly, a massive wave sweeps the boy up and carries him out to see before she can react. The grandmother starts panicking and desperately praying.

“Oh God, please return my little boy, safe and sound. I beg you, he’s all that I have! I’ll do anything, God, if only for my grandson!”

Through nothing short of a miracle, a second wave hits, and the baby washes up onto the shore, good as new. She scoops the child in her arms as she looks up at the heavens.

“…He had a hat.”

A guy joins a monastery deep in the Himalayas. This particular monastery is known for its extremely strict rules. The food is the bare minimum to keep a person alive, their only possession is a light robe, the conditions there are freezing and perilous, and they must spend their days doing exhausting labor and their nights in deep prayer and meditation. The few hours they’re allowed to sleep are on a hard, wooden board. Most notably, the monks are forced to take a vow of silence, and only allowed to speak two words every 10 years. They may do so only to the head monk.

After 10 years, the guy appears before the head monk. He bows with respect before he says, “Bad food.” He leaves his chamber.

Another 10 years go by, and once again, the man appears before the head monk, looking worse for wear. He bows with respect, before he speaks again. “Hard bed.” He leaves the chamber.

The man enters once again, having spent 30 years in the monastery at this point. He bows again, before saying, “I quit.”

The head monk replies, “It’s probably for the better. All you ever did was complain around here.”

A car salesman is showing a customer a car and going through all the car’s features, full bells and whistles. The customer looks at the back of the car and asks, “Cargo space?”

The salesman looks at him like he’s three and says “No, car go road. Car no fly.”

A salesman pulls up to a house and knocks on the door. A miserable old battle axe swings open the door. The salesman flashes a toothy grin.

“Hello ma’am, I’m with-”

“I don’t want any! Scram!” She goes to slam the door in his face, but he stops it with his foot.

“Now hang on ma’am, I’m here to offer you an incredible deal on some quality vacuum cleaners unlike anything else on the market-”

“I said I don’t want any! I told you to scram!!!” The salesman quickly composes himself.

“Ma’am, if you’ll just allow me to demonstrate.” Despite her protests, he makes his way into her house and pulls out a trash bag. He unloads a large pile of manure right onto her carpet. “Now ma’am, to prove just how powerful these vacuum cleaners are, I will personally eat the remainder of whatever doesn’t get sucked up.” The old woman gave him a sadistic and spiteful grin.

“Well then, buster, lemme get you a fork. They cut my power this morning.”

A man and a small child are walking through the woods in the middle of the night. Suddenly a wolf howls in the distance. The kid says, “Mister, I’m scared.”

The man says, “YOU’RE scared?! I’ve gotta leave this place by myself!!!”

A blind man walks into a bar, with a little service dog on a leash. He stops in the middle of the bar and starts swinging the service dog around on his leash, over his head. The dog is smashing into everything and everyone and yelping. The bouncer runs over and restrains him, as the bartender rushes over to help the dog. He yells, “Woah woah woah! Stop! What the hell are you doing?!”

“Oh, just looking around.”

A doctor walks into his office, where his patient nervously awaits. He says “I’m afraid I have some terrible news. Mr. Jenkins, you have cancer.” The old man looks up, shocked and worried. The doctor continued. “Unfortunately, that’s not all. Based on the tests we’ve done, you also have signs of Alzheimers.”

The man sighs with relief, and then chuckles. “For a second there, I thought you were gonna say I had cancer.”

Two guys are on a rooftop bar, having drinks. The one says to the other, “You know, these updrafts up here are really strong. You can jump off and the winds will carry you to the bottom.” The other guy obviously doesn’t believe this, so the first guy proves it by jumping off. A couple of minutes later, he returns to the roof and does it again. The other guy is amazed by this, and tries it for himself. He splats against the sidewalk in a bloody mess, dying instantly. The first guy returns to the bar with a smirk on his face. The bartender looks up.

“You’re really mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”

I don’t know, man. I just fly the drone.

What do you get when you cross a baby and a wolf?

A wolf.

Someday when I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.

Not screaming like his passengers.

Two guys are hunting in the middle of the woods. One of them collapses as the other dials 911.

Operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Hunter: “My buddy just collapsed on the ground, he’s not breathing. Oh gosh, he’s not breathing!”

Operator: “Sir, take a deep breath. First, we need you to make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a brief period of silence, followed by a single gunshot.

Hunter: “Okay, now what?”

They say in New York City, someone gets stabbed every 50 seconds.

Poor guy.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they don’t know where home is.

What do you call a reindeer that can’t fly?

Nothing. It’s not special so it doesn’t get a name.