The Tales of GrandOldLand #1: The Conquest of Canada
Last updated: Wednesday April 21st, 2021
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Hello, this is the story of how the historic empire GrandOldLand came to be! So, listen carefully and don't be afraid!
Note: This is a fictional story inspired by GeoSmartKirbyXD
British Columbia: Some mayor of a city within our province gave hostile threats! What do you guys think I should do?
Ontario: No one cares!
British Columbia: Quebec?
Quebec: No one cares! Stop bothering us!
British Columbia (Sighing): Alberta?
Alberta: Send some spies over there or something. I don't know.
British Columbia: Good idea!
Two weeks later in GrandOldCapitol...three spies are crouched over a hill with binoculars...
Spy 1: I really need to go to the bathroom!
Spy 2 (Slapping Spy 1): Shut up Tony! You're gonna get us caught!
Spy 3: Guys! An army is drilling directly below us...
(All look down and hold their ears out)
Army Commander (Repeating the same words): Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut!...
Spy 2 (Gasping): How is this possible...they appear to be speaking in code.
Tony: More like their own language!
Spy 3 (Way too loudly): You're right!
(Spy 3 waits for them to look at him quizzically. He then proceeds to pull his firearm out of his belt and shoot Spy 2.)
Tony: Alberci! NOOOOOO!!!! How could you do this Charles...
(A look of hurt and betrayal crosses his face. Charles shoots him as well.)
Commander (Walking over to Charles): Fahrajé, Caatu! Vi pesa taictcha!
Translation: Well done, Charles! You are a great double agent!
(Caatu gives a guilty nod and stands in line with the other soldiers)
Commander: Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut! Throto! Welon! Yakut!...
Ten days later...
British Columbia: Alberta! We found two of our skilled spies murdered!
Alberta (Shocked): This can only mean one thing. This town needs to be burnt down to ashes. We should gather our troops.
British Columbia: Why so soon?
Alberta: We sent three spies out there. Two were murdered, and they showed no sign of resistance...the third was a double agent, and we have no idea how many more lay within our trusted positions.
BREAKING NEWS
Yesterday, Alberta and British Columbia sent troops to the hostile city of GrandOldCapital for reasons yet to be publicatedHowever, troops from Ontario and Quebec intercepted them and the two alliances are now in an all out warAmerican states are in a meeting discussing the latest news. Colorado is on his phone, while Michigan is literally passed out on his chair.
Virginia: Let's involve ourselves for no apparent reason.
Massachusetts: Good idea! Who's side do we pick?
Washington: Western Canada obviously.
Alaska: Agreed.
New York: But what about...
New Jersey: ...Toronto's corn dogs!
Massachusetts (Licking his lips anxiously): He does have a point.
California: I love corn dogs!
Virginia: I know right!
Washington (Angry): THERE AREN'T NO CORN DOGS IN TORONTO!!!!
Georgia: Get a hold of yourself.
Texas and Florida (Simultaneously): Yeah.
Texas and Florida: Jinx!
Texas and Florida: Double Jinx!
Texas and Florida: Triple Jinx!
Texas and Florida: Quadruple Jinx!
Texas (Stumbling to find the words): Hmm...ummm...hrrmmm...mmm...uhhh...
Florida: Quintuple Jinx! You owe me your electoral college votes!
California: Anyways, I think we all can agree that we have to side with Ontario and Quebec so as not to disturb the holy corn dogs of Toronto.
New Jersey: Yep. Let's send troops right away!
Washington: NOOOO!!!!
Back in Canada...
British Columbia: Darn! They have American troops! No fair!
Alberta: We need backup immediately then. Saskatchewan! Will you help us defeat Ontario and Quebec? Please?
Saskatchewan: Fine, but only if Manitoba helps too.
British Columbia: Manitoba?
Manitoba: Sure, I guess.
Ontario: What are you guys doing? Completely unfair, using others.
British Columbia: Says the guy who has the biggest army in the world allied with him
Quebec: The rule does not apply to the rule makers! Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland. Will you help us?
Nova Scotia: Sure.
Newfoundland: Why'd you say me last. I used to be my own nation! But yes, U will support whatever weird cause you guys have.
New Brunswick and Prince Edward Island: We'll do our best to help.
Northern Canada: Before you ask, we ain't helping anyone. Even if we did feel like this stuff mattered, we would only be able to give you guys a couple packages of yams.
GrandOldLand (In a booming voice from behind): Hello, foolish beings. None of you will win your silly war.
Alberta: Saskatchewan! He captured all of British Columbia while we were distracted!
GrandOldLand: How easy it is to turn you guys against each other. Do any of you even know Eastern Canada's motive?
Manitoba: No....?
GrandOldLand: They just wanted some quiet without you guys bothering them all the time. Atactcha, va vesa foré!
Translation: Attack, my great army!
Edit: Holy corn Dogs!