AFOTWIT Chapter 12: World War III, Part 3: War is a Grand Chess Game

Any events in this story are not meant to offend anyone in any way. All events in this story are purely fictional. Thank you for understanding.

So, here we are again. Back with another blog.

Update: This is the new, swearless version. All swears are now replaced with euphemisms (dang, shoot) or regular words. Lesson learned. :P

Iceland: I'm bored.

Denmark: Why?

Iceland: All I do is just... exist. I need a little spice in my life. I want to help defeat the Zambians.

Denmark: The Zambians? You're kidding, right? Leave that to the world powers! Why risk it when there isn't even a biscuit? They'll just forget about you in the peace treaty and womp womp, you get nothing. Face it, you're too weak, and even if you muster up a military, you're too insignificant. Just like me. Sorry.

Iceland: Shoot, you're right... Ugh. I hate being an island in the middle of nowhere. Unless...

Denmark: Oh no. I better get ready... Iceland might go berserk.

SAU: You're telling me it's been two days and Angola is not in our hands anymore?

SAU soldier: Yup.

SAU: Well, keep fighting. Don't give the Zambian army any pleasure of retaking their homeland. We will never surrender.

SAU soldier: Shall I inform the general?

SAU: Yes, inform the general. Who else will you inform? The Minister of Transportation?!?

SAU soldier: Um... I've got news. Good news is, we managed to take Cabinda back. Bad news, all of Mozambique has fallen and the Zambians have taken Lilongwe. Malawi has been breached.

SAU: God, now we're basically Zambia... We have the territory and everything... Whatever. Don't let them take Lusaka. They'll never even know we're here.

Zambian soldier: Raaah! There's Lusaka! Charge! Liberate the homeland!

SAU soldier: Keep them away, men! Fire!

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Zambian soldier: Grenade!

SAU soldier: Cover! Duck down!

Boom!

SAU soldier: AGH!

Zambian soldier: Got him!

SAU medic: Man down! Man down!

Zambian soldier: Hmph. Better hurry, medic. Those grenades are deadly. Deadly poisonous! Mwahaha!

SAU medic: I need a stretcher here, now!

In the Lusaka HQ...

SAU general: This is worse than I thought...

SAU: Our men are losing, and Lusaka is getting closer to liberation by the second. Most of Zambia except Lusaka has been liberated by the enemy, and Malawi has fallen. Our resistance has escaped from Cabinda and retreated to Bioko in Equatorial Guinea. They graciously let us in.

SAU general: I know. Thank God for that. Well, we better get outta here. Can't let them find out we're still here. Is the helicopter ready?

SAU: Yeah, I think our helicopter is ready. I called him, he should be here by now.

SAU general: Ugh... let's go.

SAU: Right.

Outside the Lusaka HQ...

Zambian soldier: See! Look at the cowardly SAU leaders! They're retreating by helicopter! Get the AA guns and take them out of the skies!

Zambian soldier 2: Sir... we wasted them all on shelling the houses where the SAU soldiers were hiding. They're tough... they managed to destroy any form of AA we have.

Zambian soldier: UGH! Just shoot at the helicopter, now!

SAU general: Shame we got up too high for them to shoot us.

SAU: We got away in the nick of time.

Iceland: Denmark! You called me insignificant! I gave you 5 days to prepare. Now, taste my wrath!

Denmark: Bring it on, dude.

Iceland and Denmark declare war on each other. Sweden, Norway and Finland join the war on the Danish side.

Iceland: Grr... I'll have to fight harder then!

Sweden: Face it.

Norway: You won't defeat us.

Finland: And even if you did defeat Denmark, you'd have to defeat me, Sweden and Norway. Us three combined will crush you if Denmark doesn't already.

On a lighter note...

PL: Can we buy Kaliningrad?

Russia: Hmm... If you pay up, then sure.

PL: Name your price.

Russia: 2 trillion rubles.

PL: Hahaha! That's chump change. Here you go.

The Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth purchases Kaliningrad for 2 trillion rubles from Russia.

PL: Nice!

Russia: Heh. More money for me! I wonder...

Back to the Nordic scuffle...

Iceland: Haha!

Denmark: I can't hold him off! His troops are about to crush mine! Copenhagen can't hold on!

Norway: Dang... I never cared about Jan Mayen... But actually seeing him take it hurt my feelings...

Sweden: You know what they say, you don't care about something till it's gone.

Finland: Don't worry, Norway. We'll get him. He'll see the error of his ways. And when he does, he'll know not to just pick a fight based off an insult.

Iceland: I will win! I... Will... Win!

However...

Iceland: No!!! You... Defeated me! How?

Finland: Simple. Teamwork. Now, don't think you're free. You're getting back in our Nordic club. And you're not allowed to leave.

Iceland: No!!!

Finland: That's what you get.

Switzerland: What a great day to be neutral!

Inside Switzerland, however...

Italian representative: Please, we're really looking into buying Ticino.

Ticino: No! I don't want to be bought by Italy.

Bern: Ticino, please. We won't let him lay a finger on you.

Zurich: Ugh! I'm tired of these other cantons! Switzerland should be a German nation! The rest can go with France or Italy!

Geneva: Yeah, but without me, Switzerland would just be mountains!

Zurich: But I have most of the population!

French representative: We'd love Neuchatel and Geneva back, if that's fine.

Geneva: You know what, yeah! Screw you, Zurich!

Bern: Enough! Order! Order!!!

Zurich: We're going to go to war if you don't get back here!

Geneva: How much? 50 million Euro? 75 million? Please, just get us away from them!

Ticino: No! I don't wanna be Italian!

Bern: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!

Everyone: No!

Bern: THAT'S IT! THE SWISS CONFEDERATION IS DISSOLVED!

Outside Switzerland...

Switzerland: I don't feel so good... Blegh.

All nations: What the?!?

Zambia: Switzerland? No! My gold was there!

US: I'll miss their chocolates and their Nest-lee...

FE: Dang. We'll miss you Switzerland.

In Switzerland...

Bern: All German cantons! Unite! We shall form the New Swiss Confedration! We shall go by a new name: Neuschweiz.

All German cantons: Yeah!

Neuschweiz: Sorry, Liechtenstein.

Liechtenstein: It's alright. Just be kind to me.

Neuschweiz: We will.

Neuschweiz purchases Liechtenstein.

Neuschweiz: Much better...

Fribourg: You stupid brats...

Geneva: Calm down, Fribourg. It's alright. We'll find a way to live separately.

Vaud: But how? They have the capital and the most populous city!

Geneva: It's up to me to help us as the final of the three important Swiss cities...

Neuchatel, Jura, Valais: We believe in you Geneva!

Geneva: We shall form the Alpine Confederation. Our acronym will be, obviously, AC.

US: Did someone say air conditioning?!?

Geneva: Go away, America!

US: Sorry.

Geneva: So, are you with me?!?

Fribourg, Neuchatel, Vaud, Jura, Valais: Yeah!

AC: Better.

Ticino: Italy! Please! Don't take me!

Italy: Sorry, buddy. You won't survive on your own. It's a mean world. Besides, you're Italian, you belong with us.

Ticino: No!!! I'm... I'm Swiss! Not Italian! No, no, nooo-

Ticino is annexed by Italy.

Italy: Sweet.

Ticino (Italy): This isn't so bad...

Italy: Shh, shh... It's okay. I'm here little one. Have some popcorn. Something big's about to happen.

AC: Bring it on, punks!

Neuschweiz: We'll beat you, just watch.

Ticino (Italy): Good thing I'm safe...

AC, Neuschweiz: Just shut up and eat your popcorn, Ticino!

Ticino (Italy): Okay, okay!

Luxembourg: Why am I here? Anyways, fight!

AC: Bern will fall! Just watch!

Neuschweiz: I have some secrets up my sleeve!

AC: Me too! France!!!

France: Oui, Alpine Confederation?

AC: Help me!

France: With pleasure. Surrender now, Neuschweiz.

Neuschweiz: Germany! Baden! Bavaria! Help!

Germany: Nein. I don't do war anymore. Go fight the Alpine Confederation yourself.

Baden: Nah, I'm good. Too lazy.

Bavaria: Have fun on your own! Send me a postcard from Geneva!

Neuschweiz: Uh oh.

Austria: I'll help you! I can't stand to see you fight them alone.

Neuschweiz: Phew...

France: Germany. You coward.

UK: France! Last time you said that, Germany-

Germany: Fine. War it is.

Baden: Hmm, on second thought, yeah. I'd like to have some fun.

Bavaria: Haha, let's get this party started!

Alpine Confederation declares war on Neuschweiz and Austria.

Germany: Defend here!

Neuschweiz: Hold fast! Set a line!

France: Charge! Destroy them!

AC: Yeah! Bern is as good as ours!

Brittany: Guys! Please! Calm down-

France forces Brittany into the war on their side.

Brittany: Why? Just why?!?

France: Come on, Brittany. The charge isn't going to charge on its own.

Brittany: How does that even make any grammatical sense?

France: Just go!!!

Brittany: Okay, jeez!

In Paris...

France: Germany.

Germany: France.

France: We agree, right?

Germany: Yeah. We're still best friends, so we aren't going to invade each other. We're only going to duke it out in Switzerland, Korean War style.

France: Yeah. Proxy war only. As long as no German steps foot on French soil, no Frenchman will step foot on yours, or Baden's, or Bavaria's.

Germany: Deal. I'll tell my men not to shoot any French soldiers.

France: Same here.

Germany: However, Austria... Whatever happens to him, just happens.

France: Yeah, Alpine scuffles are the worst.

Back in Switzerland...

AC: I will beat you!

Neuschweiz: Even without Germany's help, or his soldiers, I'll still win! I have Austria!

Austria: Prepare to lose!

Bavaria: Ooh! I wanna watch!

Ticino (Italy): Want some popcorn?

Bavaria: Yummy!

Germany: Yawn... Just be done already...

France: It's 3pm. Lunch is almost over and you still aren't done fighting.

In Bern...

Bern: Drat! We're somehow losing!

Geneva: Give up! You're done for! The Alpine Confederation will reunite Switzerland under French rule!

Bern: Never! Switzerland is through and through German!

Zurich: Yeah!

Geneva: Shut up Zurich! Just because you're the most populated doesn't mean you're important!

Bern: Oh no. He didn't just say that...

Zurich: Taste my wrath!!!

Geneva: Impossible! How did you-

Geneva is attacked by the first wave Neuschweiz forces.

Geneva: Pull out all the international organizations! Fight to the death!

All international organizations headquartered in Geneva are moved to Brussels.

Geneva: Beat back the invaders!

Bern: Charge!

Zurich: Burn Geneva to the ground! Send their citizens fleeing!

In Australia...

Queensland: We have to neutralize Lae. Also, I say we enlist the Filipino Empire's help. Lae is strong.

NSW: No. We leave Lae alone. God knows how much heat we'll generate by just saying we'll invade them.

Victoria: May I suggest-

Queensland: Vicky, your suggestions are terrible.

Victoria: Don't call me that.

Queensland: Fine. Victoria, your suggestions are terrible. Last time we tried saying anything, we were just...

W. Australia: Ugh... Tell me about it.

S. Australia: We got smoked in the UN headquarters.

N. Territory: Never again.

Tasmania: Face it. Lae's too powerful. Even if we got the green light, we'd be done for. Please, Queensland. Put it to rest.

Queensland: Please? Pretty please?

All others: Aww... Fine. We'll do it. Just for you. But only when we have the green light.

Queensland: Yey!

In the UN Headquarters...

Australia: We're going to declare war on Lae.

The Security Council stands there, unimpressed.

FE: Seriously? Australia, you think you can beat Lae?

US: This is preposterous.

Russia: They're fiendishly hard to beat in a war, you know?

SAE: Give it a break.

UK: South America's right.

France: Australia, please. It's for your own good. Lae is too powerful, compared to you. And we need every nation's help in defeating the Zambians. You and Lae included.

Australia: You know what? Fine. If I can't get your approval then I'll do it alone.

FE: Fine. Go ahead. But we won't stop them or help you when you get whooped. Against you, their military is supreme. So go ahead, try. There's your go signal.

Australia: Yippee!

Back in Oceania...

Australia: Lae! Prepare to be defeated!

Lae: Haha, you're weak! Shut up!

Australia: Wrong.

An emu tank pulls up.

Australia: I used my emus to run these tanks. The faster they run, the faster the tank drives. The more the run, the more energy is charged up in its lasers. The soldiers and their emu work together to operate these tanks.

Lae: H- How?!? What in God's name am I going to do against this?!? This is madness!

Australia: Hahaha, you're doomed!

Lae: Noooo!!!

Lae is conquered.

Australia: Now for the rest of New Guinea.

Papua New Guinea: Uh oh!

Papua New Guinea is conquered. The Oceanian Federation is formed with New Zealand.

FE: You know what?

The Filipino Empire annexes East Timor and Sri Lanka.

FE: Better.

In Japan...

Japan: What the heck, Russia! Stop harassing me!

Russia: Hahaha! You can't stop me. The Filipinos won't protect you and Chukotka and Magadan are too scared! Pretty soon, I'll conquer you!

Japan: Shit... What am I going to do...? Aha! Oh Philippines-

BOOM! Russia launches an airstrike on Sapporo.

Russia: Quiet, you!

FE: What's this I hear about my name being called?

Japan: Russia attacked me! Help!

FE: You know what this means, right? You know what this involves?

Japan: If it gets Russia to stop, then I'm willing.

FE: Very well. You asked for it.

Japan (FE): It is done... Thank you. Now Russia won't attack me.

Russia: Ugh! You leave me no choice!

Russia annexes Mongolia.

Russia: I'll remember this for eternity, Japan. Just because you're a Filipino puppet now doesn't mean I still won't take you down. I will be back.

Japan (FE): I'll be ready!

In Europe...

Monaco: I need protection...

Monaco joins France.

Andorra: Me too!

Andorra joins Spain.

San Marino: Me three!

San Marino joins Italy.

Vatican City: Never-

Vatican City is annexed by Italy.

Malta: Me four!

Malta joins Italy.

Italy: I got the most microstates! Yippee!

In the Baltics...

Estonia: Hey, Latvia!

Latvia: What.

Estonia: Let's form a Baltic Union! I'm tired of appealing to the Nordics and getting ignored-

Sweden: Estonia? Where are you!

Estonia: You... You're kidding me!

Sweden: Estonia. Come join our Nordic Union.

Finland: No! Estonia! Don't! It's... It's a trap! They're turning the club into a union to take our autonomy away.

Sweden: Do you want to join, or not?

Estonia: Fine! I'll join!

Latvia: Can I join?

Lithuania (PL): Not so fast, Latvia!

Latvia: No!!!

Poland-Lithuania annexes Latvia.

Finland: Estonia... What have you-

The Nordic Union is formed.

Finland (NU): -done.

Sweden (NU): Don't be a crybaby, Finland! We're stronger now!

Estonia (NU): My dreams have come true...!

Finland (NU): I'm just happy that Estonia's happy. And I guess it was necessary...

In Iceland...

Iceland: Icelanders! Rise up and take over Europe! Our first stop: the Nordic Union! Attack!

Norway (NU): Sweden! Finland! Denmark! Estonia! I'm under attack!

Sweden (NU): On it!

Finland (NU): Oh my god, Iceland, you have to stop!

Denmark (NU): You'll pay, Iceland! I knew I shouldn't have let you go free!

Estonia (NU): Don't worry, Norway! If he attacks, I'll help you defend! You guys take care of the attacking!

Iceland: Your little union isn't worthy to face me!!! I need... Aha!

BOOM!!!

FE: Sinong nagatake sa akin?!? (Who attacked me?)

Iceland: The Nordics! I did nothing!

Sweden (NU): Lies! They're Icelandic bombs!

FE: Iceland...

Iceland: I'm doomed, aren't I?

The Filipino Empire annexes Iceland.

FE: Puny Iceland.

Finland (NU): Is anyone else scared of the Filipinos?

Rest of NU: Agreed.

Back to the world war against Zambia...

Zambia: Good. Southern Zaire falls. The DRC will be gone in no time, and the Filipino Empire is busy fixing petty scuffles on Earth like the world police. We're winning in the Swahili coast, right?

Zambian aide: Of course, sir. Our relentless attack has them suing for peace. The others have decided to unite against us. All in vain though. We will still win.

???: Not if I can help it.

Zambia: No... My greatest rival!

FE: I've finally arrived, and I'm here to stop you!

SAU: We're back from exile and we brought the big guns! Time's up, Zambia!

Zambia: Nonsense! I will repel the Filipinos from the coasts! And I'll turn Africa into a wasteland if I must!

FE: Drat, he's right. We can't attack the coast, it's too heavily defended. We've gotta secure some way to it, and I think I know who to call.

Later...

Egypt: Yeah. I'm scared of the Zambians too. But what's in it for me if I become your ally?

FE: Well, I just need access to use your canal to funnel in troops. Before the Zambians stop us. Please?

Egypt: Hmm... Okay. Fine. I'll grant you access, but I reserve the right to close it off at any time if it means protecting my people.

FE: Thank you so much, Egypt.

Meanwhile...

Swahili Federation (SF): Darn it, we can't hold much longer!

Zambia: Madagascar has fallen, the Comoros are mine, and the DRC is on its knees! Bow down to the might of Zambia!

SF: Shoot... I hope the Filipino troops get here in time!

In Sudan...

Sudan Liberation Front: We will free Sudan from its leaders and usher in a new golden age for our country!

Sudan: Not on our watch!

South Sudan: Sorry, Filipino Empire. You have to go the long way.

FE: What the?!? Come on!

In Libya...

FE: Sandstorm?!? Ugh! This is the worst!

In the Alps...

France: Okay, you two need to stop.

Germany: We're tired of the fighting, and honestly, if you don't stop your petty squabbles, we'll annex you.

AC: Never!

Neuschweiz: The Alpine Confederation's going down!

Germany: You leave us no choice!

France, Brittany, Germany, Baden and Bavaria declare war on the Alpine Confederation, Neuschweiz, and Austria.

France: You deal with your guy, I deal with mine.

Germany: You got it.

France: Now...

AC: Never! I'll unite Switzerland!

Neuschweiz: No, I will! After we beat these foreign traitors!

AC: For once, I agree with you!

Austria: I'll back you both up!

After a while...

Germany: All done.

France: They're finished.

Germany receives Bern, Solothurn, and the two Basel cantons. They also receive Burgenland, Vienna, Lower Austria, and Styria.

Baden receives the rest of the Neuschweiz cantons.

Bavaria receives Tyrol, Carinthia, Vorarlberg, and Liechtenstein.

France receives the Alpine Confederation's cantons.

Italy is gifted Grisons and Valais cantons for free.

Italy: What a great day for Italy! Free land!

Germany: It seems Austria is now under German rule once again...

France: Germany, don't you dare...

Germany: Baden! Bavaria! Let us unite once more!

Baden: Yeah!

Bavaria: Let's do it!

Germany reunifies with Baden and Bavaria.

Germany: Much better...

France: God, please help me...

Luxembourg: Ooh! Big Germany! Can I join?

Germany: The more the merrier!

Luxembourg joins Germany.

Germany: And with that, I feel whole again.

France: I'm glad we're on the same side this time...

Germany: Ha! Yeah, be grateful!

France: Wait a minute! Brittany!!!

Brittany: What.

France: Let's reunite!

Brittany: No. Not in a million years.

France: Please?

Brittany: Ugh, fine. But only because it's a nightmare being independent.

France: Yay!

France reunifies with Brittany.

France: We're whole again, Germany!

Germany: Beer?

France: Yes, I'll drink your stupid fermented barley water because I'm so happy!!!

Germany: And I'll drink your glorified grape juice because I'm so happy.

France: You don't sound happy!

Germany: Ugh, just let it be.

Narrator: It is the beginning of the end. Zambia has begun to make its moves. With Russia also potentially being a third aggressor, this may be a three-way world war! Will the Filipino troops make it on time? Will Russia seek revenge on the Filipino Empire? Or will Zambia conquer all of Africa on its way to world domination?

Zambia: Find out next time on AFOTWIT Chapter 13. And I'm warning you, I'm bringing my A-game.

Again, it's time for a Kirboi staple: the sign-off image! See you again in hopefully 6 months from now if college doesn't blindside me lol!