RUB Times | Hilarious Holiday Headlines

_{Obviously everything in this blog is satire.}

Alarming news has reached us here at the JetPunk editing center that Santa Claus’s journey has been halted!  The reason why?  He’s stuck in a chimney!  Oh… how cliche.  He should’ve gone easy on the milk and cookies, but noooo, old St. Nick just had to eat too much.  I’m not sure what this means for all the children of the world awaiting Santa’s visit, but it can’t be too great.  Maybe somebody will have to take up the job and replace Santa, who knows?  (Hey, that sounds like the plot of a Christmas movie…).

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer… had a very shiny nose… Alas, he won’t be gracing our skies this Christmas.  One of Santa’s helpers, those sly little elves, let us know that Rudolph apparently woke up with the worst of headaches this morning!  Apparently too much bright light can be bad for you…. This isn’t great news though, because how will Santa be able to see as he drives his sleigh?  We’ll have to wait and find out.  In the meantime, I hope that Rudolph gets better, because Randolph ain’t too far behind.

It has been made known to me that some people have been leaving water and bread for Santa instead of the traditional milk and cookies!  Water and bread!  Of all things, this is surely the most grueling.  I’ve always left a tray of cookies and a glass of milk for Santa when he visits, and it’s such a part of Christmas tradition that I can’t imagine leaving anything else for him!  I’m sure Santa doesn’t appreciate this dull meal either, though maybe a better diet will help him fit down chimneys.  Also, apparently this Christmas fad originates from users on an app called TikTok recording themselves leaving the food out and posting it.

Mariah Carey, known for her Christmas hit All I Want For Christmas Is You may be more than the innocent pop icon the public knows her as.  Here at the RUB Times we are big on exposing conspiracies and secrets (we brought light to the U.S. Lizard Government), and the biggest secret of them all is that Mariah Carey is actually a carnivorous alien from an ice planet far, far away!  However, because she isn’t familiar with Earth’s warm environment, she remains frozen most of the year and only thaws when Christmas season approaches.  Evidence of her having a taste for human meat (how disgusting) is her most famous song’s title.  All I Want For Christmas is You?  She wants to eat us! Something must be done about this monster.

The Grinch, a blue dude from the village of Whoville, used to hate Christmas.  However, when shown a little love, his heart grew three times as large, and he learned to love the holiday.  However, age has caught up to him.  Mr. Grinch has an appointment to get knee surgery tomorrow, as apparently trekking up his hill all the time isn’t too great for the the legs.  I give Mr. Grinch my condolences, and I hope his surgery goes flawlessly.  I think we should all write him get-well cards.

Ohmygod I am so sorry for that last one LOL.  Anyways, I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas, if you celebrate, and that you all enjoyed reading this blog!  I started working on a couple projects the 24th (It’s 12:30 AM right now, Christmas Day.  I really wanted a blog out on Christmas haha), and have made a lot of progress so far.  I procrastinate a lot, but I work fast when I don’t.  All I’m gonna say is expect a blog tomorrow :)

Happy Holidays,

ItzIngenious

Bye!