A JetPunker's Guide to Employment

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First published: Monday September 22nd, 2025
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Quick Links

Part 1: The Art of Deflection
😮‍💨 How to calm yourself down during an anxiety attack:
👮 How to approach a parking enforcement officer:
🤑 How to engage with your therapist:
💖 How to make your therapist fall in love with you:
Part 2: The Art of Stagnation
👐 How to communicate effectively with your professor:
📝 How to prepare for a midterm:
👀 How to act while taking a midterm:
🤩 How to impress the interviewer:
MOCK INTERVIEW
🗣️ How to build rapport with your coworker:
Part 3: The Art of Incompetency
🔥 How to deal with being fired:
👨‍💼 How to interact with your lawyer while suing for wrongful termination:
📈 Tips to improve your desirability as an employee:
👩‍💻 How to interact with your CEO:

^{Disclaimer: Yes, I’m aware that this blog contains some unsavory language and PG-13 jokes, but I can assure you, I am NOT a crude individual. (I absolutely am, but maybe it will seem more tasteful if I say that I’m not)}

Attention all eternally unemployed JetPunkers! If you're reading this, it means you've overcome the limitations of your laughably tiny brains and learned to read.

I'm the owner of a Fortune 500 company, and have a net worth of over 4.5 quadrillion U.S. dollars. I feel in this circumstance I am the only human on Earth qualified for this task. Follow my advice, and you'll have a stable job in no time.

Part 1: The Art of Deflection

😮‍💨 How to calm yourself down during an anxiety attack:

Obviously, you need a college degree to get a job, as it is not possible to be employed without having one.

You're in your car, driving to your Public Speaking 101 class, and you've got a major presentation coming up. Suddenly, you feel as if your lungs aren't there as you try to suck in air. Your heartbeat quickens considerably, you begin to sweat profusely, and you start to twitch uncontrollably. What are you going to do? I'll tell you what you're going to do.

These are the questions that you should ask yourself when you are experiencing an anxiety attack.

✔︎ What kinds of techniques can you use to bring yourself out of your head and into your body?

✔︎ Oh, you just have a feeling that something bad will happen?

✔︎ How do you know that it won't? :)

✔︎ Do you remember how in all of those documentaries about tragic events, somebody said that they felt that something bad was about to occur, and then something bad did occur?

✔︎ How do you know that this isn't one of those scenarios?

✔︎ Do you remember the time you had an inexplicable feeling that something bad would happen, and then someone ended up dying?

✔︎ Oh, so you don't remember? Maybe that never happened.

✔︎ But what if it did happen and you're just gaslighting yourself into forgetting that it did happen?

✔︎ Or, what if it did happen, but you just never heard about it? But thanks to the butterfly effect, your ignorance of the feeling that something bad was going to occur resulted in someone's death.

✔︎ What is the root of your anxiety?

✔︎ Do you have any "anxiety" pills in your bag that you could take?

✔︎ Have you ever considered that maybe you are the reason for everything wrong in this world?

✔︎ Don't you believe that you are inherently a horrible person?

✔︎ Hence, put two and two together. Might you not be the reason for everything negative in the world?

✔︎ How could you let yourself do that?

✔︎ How do you sleep in bed with yourself at night?

✔︎ Have you considered that you are perhaps a narcissist, like the kind that feigns empathy just to be liked?

✔︎ Are you manipulating everyone into liking you?

✔︎ Have you considered that the feeling that something bad is going to happen is because everyone's going to find about about it?

✔︎ Since you're a horrible person anyway, shouldn't you maybe just join al-Qaeda?

👮 How to approach a parking enforcement officer:

Now that you've calmed yourself down ~~and considered joining an extremist organization~~ you probably need some ~~hard liquor~~ coffee. You pull up to your favorite ~~dealer~~ gas station to get some ~~booze~~ coffee, and you make your purchase, making your entire purchase in pennies, just to make it easy for the cashier.

After you get your "coffee" you go back to your car, but you notice a man in uniform writing on a notepad, and tearing off the note, about to place it on your car. You spit out your... drink... and run toward him, winded.

These are the questions that you should ask to the parking enforcement officer.

👮 Does this zone provide any fine adjustments based on my income or under which circumstances I was ticketed?

👮 Are there any... other options... for lowering my fine? ;)

👮 Is there a Friends and Family (and future lover) discount for this ticket? ;)

👮 If I'm parked in a two-hour parking spot, and after two hours (because I drank the ~~alcohol~~ coffee before leaving the store and couldn't navigate to the door without falling over) I move my car right across the street to another two hour parking spot, and I bounce to and fro between those two spots all day, was that helpful to anybody?

👮 When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

👮 Was it a parking enforcement officer?

👮 Was it your goal to be someone that people perceive as someone who serves only to ruin their day?

👮 Does it ever bother you that the only direct impact that you have on people through your vocation is negative? Or does that make you happy?

👮 Do you derive happiness from siphoning off of others' happiness and bank accounts?

👮 I think that you have one of the most thankless jobs, and I wish that I had some method of displaying my gratitude toward you. Unfortunately, now that I have this ticket, I'd likely have to head home and sell all of my property to afford the fine, which is very difficult considering the... laboratory I have in my basement that takes up most of my extra money. Is there any way we can just make this ticket disappear?

🤑 How to engage with your therapist:

You've had a horrible day at this point, and before you head to class, you need to visit your therapist. Your day has been decimated, befouled, and utterly ruined by the events that have transpired, none of which were directly caused by your actions.

Here are the questions that you need to ask to your therapist to calm yourself down.

🤑 When did you decide that you wanted to become a therapist?

🤑 Why did you decide that you wanted to become a therapist when you seem to completely lack empathy?

🤑 What can you tell me about gaslighting?

🤑 As in... how do I start doing it?

🤑 Who should I practice on?

🤑 If I wanted to gaslight a future employer into thinking that it is not only ethical for me to embezzle tens of thousands of dollars from the company, but it would be morally wrong if I didn't, and he would be morally wrong to report me for doing so... how would I go about that?

🤑 What can you tell me about manipulation?

🤑 Hypothetically, if I wanted to manipulate my therapist into not charging me for my therapy sessions, how would you recommend that I go about doing that?

🤑 I'm sorry... it's just that... isn't it sort of embarrassing that, through no fault of mine, I have an abundance of mental health issues that I have to work hard to overcome? I'm sure you struggle too, though.

🤑 I can't imagine the level of cognitive dissonance that must stem from profiting off of the suffering of other people. Does that make it hard to sleep at night?

🤑 It's a bit sad, really. You're my only friend, and sometimes I forget that all of our interactions are purely transactional for you, and you don't actually care about me. Even sadder, still, is that I am going to have to cancel all of our future sessions soon, because it is too much of a financial burden for me. I'm going to miss you. Will you miss me?

🤑 Since I'm going to have to start solving my own issues without you, can you prescribe me something to keep my spirits up?

🤑 Wait, you don't have the authority to prescribe medications? Who does?

🤑 A psychiatrist? Is that not what you are?

🤑 You're a psychologist? Well, what have I been spending all this money and time with you for?

🤑 Can you at least cancel the rest of my appointments, you fraud?

...

🤑 Have you ever engaged in a romantic relationship with a former client? :P

💖 How to make your therapist fall in love with you:

Let’s be real: therapy is supposed to be a safe space for self-discovery and healing, but why not add a dash of romance to the mix? After all, who wouldn’t want their therapist to develop a little crush?

Imagine turning those heartfelt sessions into a love story that rivals the best rom-coms!

Spoiler: It’s actually super unconventional and will probably leave you with more psychological issues than you had when you got there! :D

Here are the questions that you need to ask your therapist if you want them to fall in love with you.

💖 Can I call you by your first name?

💖 How is it pronounced again? Mah-mee?

💖 Why did you stop asking me if I had thoughts about harming myself? Is it because you recognize how safe I feel around you?

💖 Thank you for noticing I got new glasses! Which ones do you like more, the blue or the red ones?

💖 Would you like it if I wore those glasses every day for the rest of my life in the hopes that you notice me?

💖 I’m actually internally bleeding right now but I thought that our appointment was more important and came here right away. Isn’t that so nice of me?

💖 If I told you my deepest and darkest secrets, would you find it intoxicating and tantalizing or would you just file a restraining order like my last therapist did?

💖 Can I tell you about my… spontaneity in explicit detail, or will that negatively affect our “special relationship”?

Part 2: The Art of Stagnation

👐 How to communicate effectively with your professor:

You've finally arrived to your university. You've missed most of your classes. As you scramble to get into your last class, everyone is getting up and leaving. You sigh heavily as you realized you missed that class as well. Since the professor is now all alone, here are the questions you should ask to your professor.

👐 If you were preparing for this midterm, which topics would you focus on?

👐 You seem very irritable recently, is your marriage doing okay?

👐 If you had one hour to prepare for this midterm, which topics would you focus on?

👐 Have you ever engaged in a romantic relationship with a student?

👐 Would you like to? ;)

👐 If you had one hour to prepare for this midterm and you just drank three glasses of wine, what would you focus on?

👐 If I don't show up to the midterm exam, what grade will I need on the final exam to pass the class?

👐 If I show up to the midterm drunk, what would that look like for me?

👐 Is there any... special extra credit I can receive to improve my grade? ;)

👐 If there were 100 people in the room and 99 didn't believe in me, are you the one that does?

👐 Do you actually believe that your students can't smell the alcohol on your breath?

👐 If there were 100 people in the room and 99 failed me on tomorrow's midterm because I showed up hungover, are you the one that passes me?

👐 Have you read your Ratemyprofessor reviews?

👐 The email that the dean inadvertently sent to the entire university distribution instead of just the staff, concerning faculty showing up on campus under the influence... was that about you?

📝 How to prepare for a midterm:

You've got so many good things going on for you at this point in life. But now you've got this roadblock of an important midterm standing in your way.

Here are some options that you can choose from to prepare for your midterm exam.

✔︎ Choose to study in a quiet and distraction-free area, like a bar or a friend's party

✔︎ Wait to study until the absolute last minute

✔︎ Gather friends for a study group, but the study group is actually just playing video games and drinking beer

✔︎ Write a blog on JetPunk

✔︎ Go to McDonald's

✔︎ Rob a bank

✔︎ Consider substances to take the edge off (but not so much that you can't write your name on the test)

✔︎ Watch Netflix

✔︎ Partake in "herbal remedies" when you get tired

✔︎ Bring those "herbal remedies" to the test

✔︎ Stay up late playing video games and then drink six Red Bulls the morning of the test

👀 How to act while taking a midterm:

Midterm season is the ultimate test of not just your knowledge, but your ability to navigate the high-pressure landscape of academia. While some students meticulously prepare and study, there are those who embrace a more… creative approach to test-taking.

This section explores the unorthodox, the hilarious, and the bold tactics that you may consider while sitting in the exam room. Whether you’re looking to blend in or stand out (for better or for worse), these tips will help you approach your midterm.

Here are some tips so you can pass your midterm with flying colors!

✔︎ Write your name at the top

✔︎ Start with the questions you think you might know

✔︎ Take a nap

✔︎ Alternate between B and C for every question because it's never A or D

✔︎ Ask to go to the bathroom every twelve minutes

✔︎ Chew loudly, and preferably with your mouth open

✔︎ "Get up to use a tissue" and look at everyone's test on the way back to your seat

✔︎ Cough really loudly

✔︎ Search the answers on your phone

✔︎ Ask the professor for the answers

✔︎ Attempt to steal the answer key if the above fails

✔︎ Pretend to be sick and try to leave the testing room

✔︎ Cry

🤩 How to impress the interviewer:

The job interview: a rite of passage that can be thrilling and nerve-wracking. Your chance to showcase your skills, and secure that coveted position. But let’s be honest: the typical advice about dressing well and rehearsing your answers can feel a bit stale. What if you could stand out in a completely unexpected way?

In this guide, conventional wisdom is being brutally defenestrated in favor of tactics that are anything but ordinary. I'll explore the outrageous yet memorable strategies that might just leave a lasting impression.

So if you’re ready to shake things up and take a few risks, grab your notepad and prepare to navigate the interview landscape with a mix of humor and audacity, and hope to land that dream role.

Here are the questions to ask the interviewer to make sure you're the most desirable candidate for the job.

🤩 Based on my level of experience, what do you think will be my biggest challenge in this role?

🤩 What is the policy on workplace relationships? As in... how do I start one?

🤩 Is everyone here stupid or just the people that post on LinkedIn?

🤩 Will my manager be physically attractive?

🤩 Have you had relations with the CEO?

🤩 Does everyone here have really bad breath or is that just you?

🤩 You seem to be on some sort of performance improvement plan. How is that going for you? :)

🤩 Based on your appearance, I infer that there is no dental coverage offered here. Am I correct?

🤩 So... how do you feel about the current administration?

🤩 Will you be my manager, or will I be assigned to someone good-looking?

🤩 In this environment, how noticeable would it be for an employee to show up intoxicated four to five times a week?

🤩 Do I actually have to disclose if I have any felonies or is that just a formality?

🤩 Which serial killer do you admire the most?

🤩 How much is a good amount to embezzle from the company?

🤩 If you had to rate my physical attractiveness on a scale of 1-10, what would you pick?

🤩 Did you think that that outfit was appropriate to wear to an interview?

🤩 I really want this job. Will you kiss me now?

🤩 Are employees encouraged not to shower each day, or is that just a personal choice that you have made?

MOCK INTERVIEW

Purely because of my deep condescending love for all of you, I will use myself as an example. I will give you a mock job interview as an example of how my foolproof plan shown above works in the real world.

And if they don't hire you, at least they'll die of laughter.

Given a real-life example, you have no reason to doubt me. :D

Tips to remember:

✔︎ Be confident –– overconfidence is a myth

✔︎ Address the interviewer casually –– bro, homie, twin, etc.

✔︎ Curse during your interview –– it shows that you're relatable

✔︎ Wear pajamas and/or a Speedo to the interview

✔︎ Constantly flirt with the interviewer

✔︎ Put your AirPods in when you're tired of listening to the interviewer (last resort)

Nickelz strolled in the office wearing bright orange pajamas, a pink Speedo and a confident grin. Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer sat behind the desk, attempting to suppress a smirk at Nickelz's unconventional attire.

“Welcome, Mr. Nickelz! Glad you could make it.” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer said, leaning back casually. “Let’s dive right in. Based on your experience, what do you think your biggest challenge will be in this role?”

Nickelz leaned forward, resting an elbow on the sleek desk. “Honestly, bro? Not laughing at how underqualified everyone else seems. But no biggie, I’m sure I’ll manage.”

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “That’s quite the bold statement. I like your confidence.”

“Confidence is key, right? Speaking of which,” Nickelz continued, “what’s the policy on workplace relationships? Like, how do I start one? Should I bring my best flirting game or is that too much?”

“Oh, we encourage professional relationships,” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer replied with a chuckle. “But maybe keep it subtle at first?”

“Subtle? Where’s the fun in that, twin?” Nickelz grinned. “Is everyone here stupid, or just the folks posting on LinkedIn?”

“LinkedIn can be a mixed bag,” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer admitted, laughing. “You might find a few gems among the rubble.”

“Speaking of gems, will my manager be physically attractive? I need to know if I should lower my standards,” Nickelz asked, raising an eyebrow.

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer smirked. “We focus more on skills than looks, but I can’t speak for everyone’s taste.”

“Fair enough! Just gauging my options, homie. Have you had any relations with the CEO?” Nickelz leaned in.

“That’s a bit personal, don’t you think?” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer replied, trying to maintain his professional demeanor.

“Just checking the waters! By the way, does everyone here have really bad breath, or is that just you?” Nickelz asked unsettlingly seriously.

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer burst into laughter, shaking his head. “I assure you, our office mints are quite effective!”

“Good to know! So, you seem to be on some sort of performance improvement plan. How’s that going for you?” Nickelz asked, leaning back casually.

“Surprisingly well! I’m glad you noticed,” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer replied.

Nickelz tilted their head, a smirk forming. “Based on your appearance, I infer there’s no dental coverage here. Am I right?”

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer smirked, making sure not to show his aforementioned teeth. “You could say we emphasize other benefits!”

“So, how do you feel about the current administration of the United States?” Nickelz asked, suddenly serious.

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer sighed dramatically. “Let’s just say it’s a mixed bag.”

“Right! Will you be my manager, or will I be assigned to someone good-looking?” Nickelz quipped, eyes sparkling.

“Now that’s a question! Our team is diverse in both talent and looks,” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer replied with a grin.

“In this environment, how noticeable would it be for an employee to show up intoxicated four to five times a week?” Nickelz asked, feigning innocence.

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer raised an eyebrow, clearly entertained. “We prefer a more professional approach, but I admire your honesty!”

“Do I actually have to disclose if I have any felonies, or is that just a formality?” Nickelz continued, utterly unbothered.

“Felony is the best policy,” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer said, chuckling.

“Which serial killer do you admire the most?” Nickelz asked, leaning back as if it were the most natural question in the world.

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer blinked in surprise but quickly recovered. “That’s a unique question! I’d say the creativity is impressive.”

“Speaking of creativity,” Nickelz leaned in conspiratorially, “how much is a good amount to embezzle from the company? Just curious, you know?”

“Only if you’re really good at it!” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer laughed, shaking his head in disbelief.

Nickelz leaned forward, winking. “If you had to rate my physical attractiveness on a scale of 1-10, what would you pick?”

“Well, let’s say you’re a solid 8, but personality adds two points!” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer replied, clearly enjoying the back and forth.

“Did you think that outfit was appropriate for an interview?” Nickelz gestured to Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer’s slightly rumpled shirt.

“It’s certainly memorable...” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer admitted, suppressing a grin.

“I really want this job. Will you kiss me now?” Nickelz declared, eyes twinkling mischievously.

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer roared with laughter. “Bold! Let’s save that for a celebration.” He winked at Nickelz.

Nickelz blushed a bit and flashed a grin. “I can work with that. By the way, are employees encouraged not to shower each day, or is that just a personal choice you’ve made?”

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. “We encourage cleanliness, but I appreciate your... adventurous spirit!”

As the conversation flowed, Nickelz suddenly pretended to get tired, dramatically pulling out his AirPods.

“Please, don’t do that! I’m enjoying this too much,” Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer replied, still chuckling.

Mr. Very-Legitimate-Interviewer leaned back in his chair, clearly impressed. “You know, Mr. Nickelz, I have to say, I’m highly impressed by your candidness. Welcome to the team.”

🗣️ How to build rapport with your coworker:

Navigating the workplace is like walking through a maelstrom of small talk and polite nods. But why settle for boring chit-chat when you can turn your interactions into something more... memorable? Building rapport with your coworkers doesn’t have to be a tedious process filled with generic questions about weekend plans.

The world of office relationships is ripe for exploration, and sometimes, the best way to connect is to throw caution to the wind. Here’s a guide that encourages you to break the ice with a boulder the size of Greenland.

Who needs HR approval when you’re just trying to make a friend, or maybe something more, at the water cooler?

Here are the FRIENDLY, NON-CONTROVERSIAL questions that you should ask your coworker to build rapport.

🗣️ How can my team and I better support you and your team?

🗣️ How much was your compensation increase this year?

🗣️ What religion do you practice, if any?

🗣️ Have you ever engaged in a romantic relationship with a coworker?

🗣️ Would you like to?

🗣️ What is your political stance?

🗣️ Is there a particular reason why you don't use spellcheck in your emails?

🗣️ Would you want to date me if I wasn't your coworker?

🗣️ Did you know that you can mute your microphone on Microsoft Teams when you need to argue with your partner about your personal issues in the background?

🗣️ What, in your opinion, is my best physical attribute?

🗣️ On a scale of 1-10, how much did you agree with Charlie Kirk's opinions?

🗣️ Would you consider this Speedo to be "business casual"?

🗣️ Am I the only one that thinks that Jeppy and his boss are a little too friendly with each other?

🗣️ Haven't you also wondered why Mr. Jeppington never gets reprimanded by HR even though he shows up to work intoxicated every day?

🗣️ Do you know the source of the peculiar noises that come from the copy room every Tuesday?

🗣️ You're in accounting. Why didn't you get invited to happy hour with the rest of the accounting department?

🗣️ What's your exact net salary?

🗣️ Did your wife ever find out about that affair?

🗣️ Be honest with me: how many drinks did you have before you wrote that preposterous email last night?

Part 3: The Art of Incompetency

🔥 How to deal with being fired:

Being fired is that moment when your boss suddenly becomes the villain, and you find yourself in the role of the caught-off-guard protagonist. But instead of wallowing in despair, why not lean into the absurdity?

I'll explore the questions you might consider asking when you find yourself on the receiving end of a pink slip. Let’s turn that firing into a theatrical spectacle worthy of a standing ovation!

Here are the questions that you should ask your manager when you inevitably get fired.

🔥 Will I receive both digital and physical copies of my severance agreement?

🔥 Am I being fired because I had “Veggie Caliphate paraphernalia” in the background of my last Zoom call? I’m telling you, it was just a cucumber!

🔥 Am I being fired because of the four days in my first four weeks of training that I arrived four hours late and obviously hungover and pretended that I had been there the whole time?

🔥 Is it because the company car got broken into while I was inside a gas station buying beer and thousands of dollars of company equipment was stolen?

🔥 Is it because I’m Armenian? You f——ng Azeri spies!

🔥 Were the “anonymous” peer reviews not actually anonymous?

🔥 Am I being fired because when I got put on a performance improvement plan, I took the rest of the day off to go day drinking with the supervisor of Human Resources?

🔥 Is it because more than 70% of my clients requested a different account manager?

🔥 Well, what about the other 30% of clients who would tell you with full confidence that I was going to get those emails sometime within the next few years?

🔥 Is it because I was supposed to have been hired for my personality but ended up just being horrible to work with?

👨‍💼 How to interact with your lawyer while suing for wrongful termination:

Navigating the legal landscape during a wrongful termination lawsuit can be daunting, but effective communication with your lawyer is essential for a successful outcome. The courtroom can be a serious environment, but that doesn’t mean your interactions have to lack personality!

Here are the questions that you should ask your lawyer in preparation for your wrongful termination court date.

👨‍💼 How should I address the judge while I am present in the courtroom? Is "Your Majesty" acceptable?

👨‍💼 Am I allowed to smoke while I'm in the courtroom?

👨‍💼 Why did you decide to be a lawyer when you're clearly not very good at your job?

👨‍💼 Can you smuggle a flask in your briefcase for me in case I get bored during the court session?

👨‍💼 Should I plead not guilty or guilty?

👨‍💼 If I'm clearly guilty, why would I plead not guilty?

👨‍💼 Isn't that dishonest?

👨‍💼 Would it bother you if I came out triumphant in this case with the knowledge that I am very much lying and not even marginally remorseful for it?

👨‍💼 What part of my body should I show off in my revealing clothing to entice the judge?

👨‍💼 Should we get intoxicated before the trial?

👨‍💼 When I get nervous, I take off all my clothes and start singing Bohemian Rhapsody in Ukrainian. Is that okay to do in court?

👨‍💼 Can I include a link to my social medias in the defense papers?

👨‍💼 Do I actually have to be there by 12:30 or is that just a suggestion?

👨‍💼 If I AirDropped explicit photos of myself to the entire jury and the judge during the trial, do you think it would impact the verdict?

👨‍💼 If I lose, do I still have to pay you?

👨‍💼 When it seems like I'm starting to lose the case, what time is appropriate for me to bring up my rendezvous with the CEO?

📈 Tips to improve your desirability as an employee:

In the competitive landscape of the modern workplace, standing out as an employee can often feel like an uphill battle. This section takes a look at how to really make an impression.

This is what you should do if you want to get immediately promoted to CEO!

👘 Show up to work in pajamas and a bathrobe

😮‍💨 Sigh loudly and frequently to show your dissatisfaction with your life

🍻 Instead of a workshop, suggest an office retreat to a bar

🍱 Treat your contractual breaks as suggestions and go on a two-hour trip to the break room

🎵 Play loud music through your headphones and frequently break into spontaneous dance moves at your desk

📧 Start every email with “as per my last email” regardless of if you’ve ever actually communicated with the recipient before

🍔 Steal people’s food out of the fridge in the break room even if you brought your own lunch

💪 Offer to cover other people’s shifts, and then bail on them at the last minute

📱 Speak as loudly as possible while you're on the phone with your friends during your shift

👕 Wear your pajamas when on a remote video call with a client

🐶 Bring your dog to work and insist that it’s a “team-building exercise” while your dog wanders around the office and barks at your co-workers

👩‍💻 How to interact with your CEO:

Engaging with your CEO can be a pivotal moment in your career, offering a chance to make a lasting impression and showcase your insights. Asking the right questions can spark meaningful dialogue and demonstrate your commitment to the company’s success.

Whether you’re seeking clarity on strategic goals or looking to understand the CEO’s vision, these thoughtful questions will enable you to engage effectively and position yourself as a proactive member of the team.

Here are the questions that you should ask to your CEO to demonstrate value to the company.

👩‍💻 In which areas do you hope to see this department improve in the next few months or years?

👩‍💻 Why did you decide to become a CEO when you seem to lack the cognitive function to do so?

👩‍💻 I want you to be honest: how intoxicated were you during that meeting last week?

👩‍💻 Have you ever been investigated for insider trading?

👩‍💻 Are you aware that the Securities and Exchange Commission has an anonymous whistleblower form available online to report insider trading?

👩‍💻 Which of the stockholders in this company is the most of a pain in the neck to work with?

👩‍💻 What ever happened to those racketeering charges you were facing last year? :)

👩‍💻 Are you laying anyone off this year?

👩‍💻 If you were... who would be the first people to go?

👩‍💻 Is there an anonymous form available online where I can suggest people for you to lay off?

👩‍💻 What is your salary?

👩‍💻 How much was your compensation increase this year?

👩‍💻 35%? Wow, that's a lot. Especially since the average comp increase was 4.5% yet most people I know in the company only got a 3% raise... which is less than the inflation rate. Doesn't that technically mean that we're making less money this year than we were last year, in terms of purchasing power?

👩‍💻 Is that your Rolls-Royce parked out front?

👩‍💻 It would be a real shame if something bad were to happen to it tonight, right?

👩‍💻 Did you know that your insurance usually doesn't cover popped tires unless all four are popped? ;)

👩‍💻 Pretty sure I saw three large nails pointed upwards in the parking lot. Did you see them when you were pulling in this morning?

Thank you for reading the second of many self-help guides from Life Coach Nickelz! Tell me what you think in the comments.