A JetPunker's Guide to Relationships: Volume 2

Attention all eternally single JetPunkers! If you're reading this, it means you've overcome the limitations of your laughably tiny brains and learned to read.

After learning that somehow, even after my amazing guide to getting into a relationship was released, you guys are STILL single. 

I want to apologize for that. I severely underestimated how hideous, grotesque, and unlovable you guys are. I'll gauge my audience better this time.

I decided to make two parts to the below section, because I want to accommodate my male audience as well as my female audience, as well as my audience of all romantic orientations. Although more limited, you too can partake in my infinite wisdom. We don't discriminate. ❤️

In most relationships, you'll eventually have the hard conversation about potential children. However, it's not very smart to go into parenthood without any background knowledge on how to raise a child. I don't have any children of my own, but I think of all of you as my children.

If you think they're a lazy piece of trash, tell them, verbatim. Add a threat if it feels truthful and natural. An uncomfortable truth is better than a comfortable lie 100% of the time.

If you are upset, keep your partner up all night. Why? Because sleep deprivation weakens your opponent.

Every few months, you should ghost your partner and start seeing other people. That's who your partner fell in love with, and you'd be a really crappy person to take that away from them.

When things become stagnant, switch it up! Live a little. If you need some suggestions, try a breakup text/divorce papers, emptying their bank account, or suggestively texting their boss!

It is very important to be calm in a relationship, because arguments generally stem from a lack of emotional stability. You need to be more sure of yourself and release any thoughts of anxiety. Here's some questions that you can ask yourself to do so.

A big reason for a lot of insecurity within relationships is dealing with your ex. They're your ex, and you should be moving forward, not backwards. Here are some ways in which you can better yourself to keep yourself secure and invested in your partner!

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If you go on a first date with someone and they order a decaf latte, you must break up with them immediately. 

Why, you ask? Because if they drink decaf, they clearly lack the ambition to handle caffeine. If they lack ambition, they’ll lose their job. If they lose their job, they’ll become a recluse. Before you know it, you’ll be supporting a decaf-drinking hermit in a studio apartment filled with 37 cats. Save yourself the feline-induced allergy medication and ghost them ASAP.

When your partner asks why you forgot your six-month anniversary, do not apologize. Instead, attack their character.

"How can you even ask me about anniversaries when you’re wearing socks with sandals? Honestly, your fashion sense is so abysmal that it’s a wonder I can even remember my own name, let alone a date."

Life is binary. There is no middle ground. You must force your partner to choose between two extremes to prove their devotion. If they can't, they clearly hate you and want you to die in a brutal car accident.

"Look, you either love me enough to delete every social media app on your phone right now, or you clearly want to spend the rest of your life dating every stranger you've ever talked to on the internet. Which is it?"

Advice: By ignoring the absolutely ridiculous possibility that they just like looking at cooking videos on Instagram, you simplify the relationship into a win-lose scenario.

This is the "after this, therefore because of this" approach. If you wore a blue shirt on your first successful date, that shirt is necessarily the sole reason the relationship is still functional.

If you ever have a fight while wearing that shirt, it means the shirt has "lost its charge." You must light the shirt on fire while taking a Sporcle quiz (for complete desecration) and find a new garment to project your relationship's stability onto.

Don't listen to what your partner actually says. Their opinions don't really matter that much.

Instead, invent a much dumber version of their argument and beat that up instead.

Partner: "I'm a little tired, I think I'll stay in tonight."

You: "Oh, so what you're saying is that I'm a bore to be around? You're saying that spending time with me is a chore comparable to watching paint dry? Wow. I can't believe you loathe my personality that much. Good to know"

When your partner points out a legitimate flaw in your behavior, simply redefine the terms of the relationship so that their complaint no longer applies.

Partner: "I wish you wouldn't flirt with the waiter."

You: "A true supportive partner understands that my charisma is a gift I share with the world. Since you're complaining, you aren't being a 'true' supportive partner, so your opinion on my flirting is actually invalid."

By moving the goalposts, you turn their "boundary" into a failure of their own character.

This is the ultimate shield because it requires zero external evidence. It is a self-sustaining ecosystem of being right.

You: "I am a great listener. I know I’m a great listener because I’ve heard myself say it many times, and since I’m a great listener, I would know if I wasn't listening, which I’m not doing now because I already know I’m right."

You’ve created a logical knot that is impossible to untie. By the time they figure out what you said, you’ve already moved on to the next topic.

When your partner catches you doing something "inconsiderate", do not defend the action. Instead, imply that your partner is a social pariah for even questioning it.

You: "Everyone in my friend group stays in touch with their exes and shares thirst traps on close friends' lists. It’s 2026... if you’re the only person on the planet still clinging to "exclusivity", that sounds like a you problem, not a me problem."

You’re simply more evolved than your partner. By framing your behavior as the global default, you make their healthy boundaries look like outdated superstition.

When cornered with a specific question about your accountability, throw a completely irrelevant (but emotionally charged) topic into the room and make a run for it.

Partner: "Why did you spend our rent money on a vintage taxidermy armadillo?"

You: "You know, it’s really interesting that you’re bringing up money when your brother still hasn't returned my power drill. Why are we normalizing your brother’s theft right now? Does family loyalty mean nothing to you?"

The squirrel is forgotten, and now you’re arguing about a power tool. You win. It's all about winning.

Ignore the 400 times you forgot to do the dishes and focus on the one time you bought a roll of paper towels for the house three years ago.

Take all your failures, sweep them under the rug, and draw a giant bullseye around the one nice thing you did by accident.

You: "How can you say I don't contribute to this household? Remember that time I killed that spider? I am basically a professional warrior protecting this home."

The Result: You define the "data" of the relationship based only on your successes.

Rule 1: When your partner comes to you with hurt feelings, it is absolutely, 100% of the time, a personal attack, and you are obligated to defend yourself.

Rule 2: If you can explain and/or justify what you did, then your partner has no right to have hurt feelings, and they need to stop whining.

Rule 3: If a person really wants to understand you fully, it won't matter how the information is delivered. Therefore, if you find yourself calling your partner a lazy tw*t or an incompetent d*uche, it's up to them to understand you. You should not have to walk on eggshells around other people's sensitivities.

Rule 4: Your partner should know what you want/need and be able to sense your thoughts without you having to express it verbally. If they can't telepathically sense your every desire, RUN!

Rule 5: If they wanted to, they would. If they don't want to, there's two, and only two, possible reasons:

1) They have a severe moral deficit

2) You are inherently an unlovable person

Figure out which one fits your situation! (Though considering my audience... it's likely #2)

Rule 6: The majority of conflict in a relationship is derived from a feeling of inequity and unfairness. Consequently, if your partner says that you did something to hurt them, that is the perfect time for you to bring up something that they did to you. You're just trying to level the playing field, and if they say that you're being manipulative, they're just mad because you clocked their behavior.

That's professional relationship counseling condensed into six main points. Cancel that therapy appointment, and purchase Life Coach Nickelz' premium guide to relationships!

INCLUDED DISCLAIMER SO I DON'T GET SUED SO MY BELOVED CLIENTS DON'T GET INJURED!

Warning: Do not use the JetPunker's Guide to Relationships, Vol. 2, as a projectile. Sudden acceleration to dangerous speeds may cause serious injury or death. When reading the book, follow these instructions: to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right, to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left, now kick, now kick, now kick, now kick, now crash your car into the nearest elementary school. This book will disintegrate if it sustains weight above 500 pounds, so, considering my audience, do not sit or stand on this book. If book begins to smoke, immediately seek shelter and cover head and groin area. Do not glue this book to any porous surfaces, including small children, pregnant women, heavy machinery, and pets. When not in use, book should be kept out of reach of children diagnosed with PPWBED (Pulitzer Prize-Worthy Book Eating Disorder). If more than used for reading is accidentally swallowed, seek medical help and contact the Suck It Up and Deal With It hotline.

This book is not for human consumption. Side effects may include spontaneous combustion, nausea, vomiting, seizures, the irresistible urge to create a Sporcle account, and death. If death occurs, please call this number: 1-800-NIC-KELZ

Thank you for reading another of many self-help guides from Life Coach Nickelz! Tell me what you think in the comments. 

Type JEPPY in the comments or text 555-QUIZ for the link to my novel on self-improvement!