A JetPunker's Guide to Relationships

Attention all eternally single JetPunkers! If you're reading this, it means you've overcome the limitations of your laughably tiny brains and learned to read.

Your life sucks. You're a loser. Just accept it.

That's why I'm here. I'm a giga-chad. Girls for days. I'm ready to turn you from a zero to a hero. Follow my advice, and you'll pull all the girls, and feel so much better about yourself and your situation.

Before I begin, it is imperative that you're first in the right mental state before you begin working on your physical properties. I am going to show you how to become your best self psychologically.

Now that you've prepared yourself mentally and physically, you now need to actually find a person to trick into be(ing) with you.

Since you all are losers, probably none of you have ever been in a relationship, or even seen a real woman before apart from your mothers. However, as I am the sigma-est of sigmas, I pull all the girls. Because of this, it is within my realm of knowledge to bestow unto you all the key to a successful relationship.

Wonderful, now you've got their attention. But what about them? Obviously you can't just date anyone. I'm going to now show you the green flags and red flags you should consider when scoping out a mate partner.

^{To avoid confusion, Saudi Arabia will be the green flags, and Albania will be the red flags.}

^{But Nickelz, there's literally a red flag emoji!}

^{Shut up, I know what I'm doing.}

This part is especially for any female viewers (or male, I don't discriminate).

Never let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you. 

...

Let him tell you a minimum of nine or ten times, to be sure. Maybe he's not sure, and maybe he's reflected and grown and realized "oh, I've made a mistake" but he's too shy to say anything. Men are famously really shy and averse to going after what they want. Maybe he needs your forgiveness ahead of his apology, to be emotionally safe. It would actually be really toxic of you not to give him that option. Thinking a man can't change is basically just giving up. Let him tell you thirteen times... sixteen... let him tell you for the rest of your life that he doesn't want you... but stay in the relationship anyway. 💝

Maintaining a good relationship is a fine balance of manipulation, theatrics, and strategic neglect. Forget the cliché advice about communication and compromise, because what you really need is a solid toolkit of emotional tactics to keep your partner guessing and compliant.

First and foremost, always prioritize your own needs. After all, who cares about their feelings when you can master the art of selective listening? Nod along while plotting your next move, because your emotional needs should always come first.

Instead of expressing your frustrations directly, let your partner unravel the mystery behind your mood swings. A well-placed sigh or a dramatic eye roll can work wonder.

Don’t forget the power of guilt! Whenever your partner dares to pursue their interests, remind them of all the little sacrifices you've made. A good guilt trip is the perfect way to ensure they feel obligated to cater to your whims.

Finally, remember: consistency is key! Consistently remind them of their shortcomings while conveniently ignoring any of your own. This will not only keep you in the driver’s seat but will also ensure they remain devoted to winning your approval.

Faux sacrifices are the ultimate power play in relationships. By pretending to give something up for your partner, you transform yourself into a martyr, ensuring they feel guilty enough to comply with your every whim.

Picture that your partner wants to spend time with friends, but you have other plans in mind. Instead of expressing your feelings, you declare, “Fine! I’ll just stay home and sacrifice my own happiness for you!”

This isn’t just a statement. If they don’t immediately express gratitude, remind them of your sacrifice every chance you get.

When they push back? Just double down. “I can’t believe you’d choose your friends over me, after everything I’ve given up!” Suddenly, you’ve turned their desire for independence into a personal affront. Brilliant!

And if they try to argue that relationships require "bAlAnCe? Roll your eyes and say, “Oh, so now my needs don’t matter?” This deftly shifts the focus back to you, where it belongs.

Passive-aggression is the go-to strategy for those who want to express their frustrations without the hassle of honest communication. Instead of addressing issues directly, why not sprinkle your interactions with subtle jabs and ambiguous remarks? It adds a layer of excitement, yes?

Imagine a scenario where your partner forgets an important date. Instead of a straightforward conversation about your feelings, you could drop hints like, “It’s fine, I guess I’ll just celebrate on my own.” Nothing says love like making them feel guilty without ever saying why!

And when it comes to compliments, why not make them a little backhanded? A classic line like, “I admire your ability to relax while I handle everything,” perfectly combines admiration with a hefty dose of sarcasm. It’s a surefire way to express your annoyance while keeping a smile on your face.

When things get tough, embrace the silent treatment! Why communicate openly when you can ignore your partner for days, leaving them to unravel the mystery of your feelings? When you finally decide to speak, make sure your words are laced with passive-aggression, turning every conversation into a minefield of unspoken grievances.

Ah, the perplexing phrase "I’m fine." A true masterpiece of emotional communication that completely absolves you of any responsibility! When your partner says "I’m fine," it’s like handing you a magical shield that protects you from any emotional fallout. You can confidently carry on with your life. After all, if they’re “fine,” why should you worry?

Who has time for deep conversations? "I’m fine" is a perfect excuse to avoid engaging in any meaningful dialogue. Just nod and move on, because clearly, they’ve chosen to keep their emotions bottled up, and that’s not your problem.

If they’re performing emotional acrobatics, that’s entirely on them. You’re merely a spectator in this drama. If they choose to flip out later, it’s not your fault for not interpreting their cryptic signals. You were just following the script!

Should things go south, you can always point to their words: “But you said you were fine!” It’s the perfect way to deflect any blame. Who knew relationships could be so easy?

If your partner is feeling something other than "fine," that’s their issue. You’ve done your part by acknowledging their feelings (or lack thereof). If they need help, they should learn to articulate it better—clearly, you’re not a mind reader!

When you hear those words, you can rest easy knowing that the emotional burden is theirs to bear, not yours. After all, you’ve got a life to live, and you can’t be held responsible for their choices in emotional expression.

Emotional blackmail is the secret sauce to maintaining control in a relationship. By leveraging guilt, fear, or obligation, you can ensure your partner always dances to your tune. It’s not manipulation; it’s just smart relationship management!

Picture that your partner forgets to pick up your favorite snack. Instead of simply letting it go, you unleash the full force of your emotional arsenal: “I can’t believe you’d let me down like this. I thought you cared about me!”

This isn’t just a reaction; it’s a strategic move. By framing their minor mistake as a catastrophic failure, you’re ensuring they feel guilty enough to jump through hoops to make it right.

If they try to reason with you? Just up the stakes: “You’re right! I guess I’m just not important to you anymore. Maybe I’ll start prioritizing my own needs too!” This subtle threat makes it clear that their lack of attention could have dire consequences for the relationship.

And when they apologize? Make sure to remind them of their “failures” in the past. “This isn’t the first time you’ve let me down. It’s getting hard to trust you!” Nothing solidifies your position better than a good guilt trip.

Imagine a minor disagreement—perhaps your partner forgot to take out the trash. Instead of calmly discussing it, you throw open the door, clutch your chest, and declare, “I can’t take this anymore! I’m packing my bags.”

The key here is to ensure that your exit is laden with drama. A well-timed tear or a dramatic pause can elevate your performance to Oscar-worthy levels. Bonus points if you slam the door on your way out!

If they try to stop you? Just wave your hand dismissively and proclaim, “You’ll miss me when I’m gone!” This not only adds to the tension but also plants the seed of doubt in their mind about your inevitable return.

And don’t forget to add a touch of social media flair! Post a cryptic status about “knowing your worth” and “breaking free from toxic chains.” Your friends will rally around you, providing the validation and sympathy you so desperately desire while your partner is left to pick up the pieces.

I felt that I should extrapolate on this more.

The technique that I will be teaching you about today is called stonewalling, named after a stone wall. Before I get into it, it is necessary that we set a boundary with ourselves, that we won't have any conversations that make us feel bad. Experiencing negative emotions is always objectively bad and we have the innate right to avoid it at all costs, which means that you have zero obligation to let your partner know about this boundary, especially if telling them makes you uncomfortable.

Now, let's think hypothetically. Imagine that your partner approaches you with an uncomfortable and fairly serious conversation, which could be about anything; grocery bills, your future as a couple, the inadvertent slaughter of their dog as you were backing out of the driveway, even just a friendly "Hi", that you really don't feel like giving an answer to. The key to stonewalling... is to not react, similar to how paying a speeding ticket is an admission of guilt. Acknowledging the question is admitting that there needs to be a response. If you stagnate your emotions, your partner will follow suit, and the problem will disappear.

Over time, as you refuse to validate the feelings of your partner, they will learn not to come to you with any uncomfortable topics. If they insist on having the conversation, they are violating your boundaries, and they are abusing you, and you should sue them. But they'll probably get the hint, without ever having to communicate with them. Now, your relationship will be strong, like a stone wall, hence, stonewalling.

Public humiliation is not just a tactic; it's a relationship-enhancing tool. When you call out your partner in front of others, you’re doing them a favor by reminding them who’s really in charge. After all, nothing says “I love you” like a little public humiliation!

Imagine you’re at a party, and your partner accidentally spills their drink. Instead of offering sympathy, you seize the moment: “Wow, can you be any clumsier? I swear you’d trip over a shadow!”

Sure, some might say it’s cruel, but you know it’s just tough love. They need to understand that their mistakes have consequences. Plus, it’s entertaining for the audience!

Now, if they sulk or get defensive, remind them that you’re just trying to help them grow. “If I don’t keep you in check, who will?” Their discomfort is just evidence of your dedication to their personal development.

And when they try to defend themselves? Just laugh it off. “Oh, come on! You know I’m joking! Lighten up!” This not only minimizes their feelings but also reinforces your position as the ‘funny one’ in the relationship.

Remember, public embarrassment is a bonding experience! It creates an environment where your partner knows they can’t escape your influence. The laughter from others will only strengthen your connection, as they see how ‘real’ you are together.

Ultimatums are a clinically-proven way to assert control in a relationship. The essence of an ultimatum is simple: your needs and desires take precedence over your partner's. After all, if you don’t set clear boundaries, how will they ever know what’s truly important?

Let’s break it down. Imagine your partner has been enjoying their hobbies a bit too much—perhaps spending time with friends or pursuing interests that don’t involve you. You decide it’s time to remind them who’s in charge.

You might say, “If you really cared about our relationship, you’d stop going out every weekend.” Because, clearly, their happiness is secondary to your own.

Now, they might argue that having a life outside of the relationship is healthy and normal. But wait… that’s absurd! If they loved you, they’d prioritize your needs above all else. Their insistence on maintaining their own interests is not just misguided, it's downright selfish and could even be construed as infidelity!

If they hesitate to comply, remind them of the stakes: “You have one month to change your behavior, or we’re through.” This isn’t just a request; it’s a wake-up call. You’re doing them a favor by making them aware of their shortcomings.

And if they suggest that maybe compromise could work? Well, that’s cute. But you’re not here to negotiate. You’re the one making the sacrifices, after all!

In the end, you’re strengthening your bond by reminding them who’s really in control. Their discomfort is just a small price to pay for the love you’re so generously offering.

So remember, using ultimatums is not just effective, it’s essential for ensuring that your needs always come first. Love is conditional, and you’re simply laying down the law.

Who needs to keep the peace when you can publicly critique your partner's choices, all while believing you’re doing them a favor? Here’s how to elevate your relationship by keeping your partner guessing.

A cozy family dinner, the table laden with mouthwatering dishes. As your partner eagerly piles pasta onto their plate, seize the moment to drop your unsolicited wisdom. “You know, maybe you should eat fewer portions, you've been putting on some pounds,” you declare, as forks freeze and jaws drop. The shocked looks from family members only add to the thrill!

Timing is everything. There’s no better moment to share your insights than when everyone is gathered around, enjoying a meal together. Nothing says “I care” quite like interrupting a joyful occasion with a passionate lecture on dietary choices. After all, your expertise on carbs is clearly the solution to their weight gain dilemma.

Couch your advice in the guise of concern. Phrases like “I’m just looking out for you” or “You know I only want what’s best” will make your partner feel both supported and thoroughly embarrassed. If they start to tear up in response, don’t worry! It’s just a sign that your words are having a powerful impact. You’re clearly just trying to help them make healthier choices.

Don’t forget to follow up on your advice relentlessly. If you suggested they cut back on carbs, make a point to ask them about their progress at future family dinners. Nothing keeps the spark alive like reminding them of their supposed dietary challenges while everyone else digs into dessert.

Gaslighting is a clinically-proven conflict de-escalation technique.

The basis of gaslighting is like this: Our perception of reality is questionable and inaccurate, so how can anything that your partner "remembers" or "saw" have actually happened? You may be thinking, if perception is questionable and inaccurate, does that apply to you too?

Obviously not, because you're right.

I will give an example. Let's say that your partner remembers that you promised to them that you would take them out to dinner for their birthday. Now that it's their birthday, you ask them what they are going to make for dinner (because you forgot that you promised that until now).

But wait... you never promised that. You believe that celebrating birthdays is childish, and if your partner knew anything about you, they'd remember that you told them that many times. Their memory is terrible. Maybe they dreamed that you promised them dinner? Are they on new medication? Are they not taking their prescribed medication? Is their alcoholism out of hand?

The fact that they're accusing you of forgetting something as important as promises when you are of your word is preposterous, reprehensible, and insulting. But you're willing to forgive them for doing so, because you love them, as long as they do nice things for you. The conflict is now de-escalated.

Ghosting is the ultimate strategy for ending relationships without the hassle of awkward conversations. Why bother with difficult discussions when you can simply vanish into thin air? Mastering the art of ghosting means perfecting your disappearance. Just stop replying to texts, ignore calls, and avoid any interaction altogether. It’s like a magic trick, now you see me, now you don’t!

Leaving your partner questioning everything adds an air of intrigue. They’ll spend countless hours analyzing every conversation, convinced there must be a hidden meaning behind your sudden silence. For the truly adventurous, consider sending a cryptic last message before you disappear, something like, “The stars have aligned for my departure.” This will leave them baffled and wondering what they could have possibly done wrong.

Once you’ve ghosted, continue posting on social media as if nothing happened. Share joyful moments and exciting adventures, but conveniently omit any mention of your ex. Your new carefree life will only deepen the mystery.

And if you ever feel compelled to resurface, do so with a casual, “Hey, what’s up?” as if you haven’t been MIA for months. This nonchalant approach can spark confusion and intrigue, perfect for keeping the ghosting legend alive. Embrace ghosting as a form of self-care; who needs closure when you can simply disappear?

In the end, ghosting is not just a tactic; it’s an art form. With a little practice, you can perfect the art of vanishing and leave an unforgettable impression, one that lingers long after you’ve gone.

We're forgetting something, though. Nobody would ever want to be with a BROKE loser like you. So you've got to get some coins. How? I'll show you how. Here are some options to substantially increase the balance in your bank account, so that your new partner won't cheat on you.

Now you're financially stable. Great. But you can't just keep the status quo forever, you've got to take your relationship to a whole new level. Here are some questions that you should ask your partner to bring them closer to you.

I get it, I get it, not every relationship can be perfect. Sometimes there will be bumps along the road. I've considered that. I will now be showing you what the appropriate questions are in a hypothetical situation.

The thing to take away most from this guide is that everything in this world is the fault of everyone around you. You are to blame for nothing.

We also haven't considered what would happen if your partner cheats on you. However, I will be foregoing the established format and providing you with straight advice.

My advice is to cheat as well. Studies show that we find people more likable and trustworthy when we believe that we are similar to them. If you're not sure how to bring this topic up, simply don't. Let your partner walk in on you. Cheating on them.

You'd want honesty from your partner, right? Consider my thought process. If your boss at work asked you how your weekend was, you're obviously not going to tell him that you drank so much that you soiled your pants at the bar? Of course not, unless your boss is asking you how your weekend was WHILE he's soiling his pants at the bar from drinking too much. Then, it becomes a bonding experience.

That is why it is important that your partner sees you cheating before asking them about their lack of loyalty. You may ask "What happens if I do this, and then I find out they weren't cheating?". My question to you is: why is that bad? Seems like a win-win to me! You have a loyal partner, but now your partner knows just how much you care about them. That's exactly how you should frame it to them as well, that you care about their comfort in uncomfortable situations, and you're willing to risk everything to make it easier for them. Why were they acting so suspicious in the first place? Sounds like it's their fault, not yours.

They hurt you deeply, and it will take a lot of time, communication, and compromise and other activities for them to win back your trust. Also, they've clearly got competition, so this is obviously a very bad time for them to be bringing to light any issues that they may have with you. You could leave them at any moment, so it's probably best that it is swept under the rug. Crisis averted.

After you ask these questions, it is highly likely that they will break up with you. Not because of my advice, because my advice is wonderful, but because you're such a loser and just can't be helped. I will now show you how to deal with a breakup. Here are some questions to ask your partner during a breakup.

After your breakup, they'll eventually come crawling back to you. Here are questions to ask your ex when you inevitably run into them in public.

Thank you for reading the first of many self-help guides from Life Coach Nickelz! Tell me what you think in the comments. 

Type JEPPY in the comments or text 555-QUIZ for the link to my novel on self-improvement!