If Countries Were High Schoolers | Chapter 4

PROFILES

Students featured:

China ♂

Connecticut ♂

England ♀

Florida ♂

Hawaii ♀

Maine ♀

Mexico ♀

Montenegro ♂

Russia ♂

Texas ♂

Ukraine ♂

Connecticut walked over to the school morning news station and adjusted the microphones' positions in preparation for the announcements.

He picked up the itinerary to read over it with the other members of the student council, Hawaii and Maine.

^{(all correspondents are randomly generated ⇩)}

"So the main correspondents are... PARAGUAY? Let's... change that real quick..." Hawaii vigorously nodded in agreement. Connecticut furiously scribbled on the itinerary.

Main Correspondents: Florida ♂ and England ♀

Sports: Mexico ♀

Weather: Montenegro ♂

School Announcements: Texas ♂

Quote of the Day: China ♂

Joke of the Day: Ukraine ♂ and Russia ♂

*

"Today is September 13, 2024, and you're watching the United Nations Morning News. I am England..."

Florida stared off in the distance.

"I am England..." England repeated.

Florida scratched his neck.

"I AM ENGLAND..." England repeated vehemently.

"CUT!" Connecticut motioned for India and Turkey to stop rolling the cameras.

"You're supposed to say 'and I'm Florida'!" Hawaii demanded.

"What?" Florida asked.

"Read the teleprompter! We already wrote out your notes!" Connecticut chimed in.

"A tele-what?" Florida asked.

"JUST READ THE DAMN TELEPROMPTER!" Connecticut yelled angrily, and then went back to his director chair behind the cameras.

India and Turkey got back behind the cameras and began rolling.

"ACTION!" Connecticut bellowed.

"Today is September 13, 2024, and you are watching the United Nations Morning News. I am England..."

"And I'm England!" Florida repeated.

"CUT!" Connecticut smacked himself in the forehead with his hand.

"You're not England!" Hawaii yelled.

"I'm not?" Florida asked.

"Oh my god. There's no way you're being serious." Maine looked genuinely worried.

"You're Florida!" Hawaii yelled.

"I am?" Florida asked.

"This can't be real. England, you take care of the rest, please just say 'I'm FLORIDA', and we will all be done." Connecticut demanded.

He stormed back off to his director chair, where India and Turkey were. 

"ROLLING!"

"Today is September 13, 2024, and you are watching the United Nations Morning News. I am England..."

"And I'm..." Florida scrutinized the teleprompter. "Floor-eye-duh."

"Close enough." England shook her head. "Anyhow, let's hear from Mexico in sports!"

"Paraguay would have been better than this." Hawaii put her head between her hands.

-

Sports

"¡Hola! So anoche la team of fútbol of Naciones Unidas play against El Dawn de los Empires JetPunk, and ellos won 40-10!"

"En otras news, la Americana jandegg team lost to Chilefornia High Escuela 13-29. No bueno. They will rematch la Chilefornia Chimps after escuela."

"Now to Montenegro por el clima!"

-

Weather

"Now Montenegro, you CANNOT fall asleep during the forecast." Connecticut instructed.

"Ja understandings..." Montenegro swayed back and forth from his drowsiness.

"ROLLING!" Connecticut hurried back to his chair.

"Of today is sunny with many cloud... zzzz..." Montenegro slumped over the microphone asleep.

"CUT!" Connecticut's scream abruptly woke up Montenegro.

"What happening?" Montenegro swept the hair from his eyes.

"READ THE TELEPROMPTER AND STAY AWAKE." Connecticut demanded, and once again stormed back to his chair.

"ACTION!"

"Today is many sun with many cloud. Tomorrow is many rain with cloud... zzzz."

Maine ran to replace Montenegro and pushed him out of the seat, assuming his position.

"While Montenegro gets some much-needed rest, we will turn to the school announcements with Texas."

-

School Announcements

"Howdy. The long-awaited school prom is comin' up, so y'all come on down on September 20. The student council's sellin' tickets durin' lunch." Texas began.

"The listenin' party for Louisiana's dey-byoo studio album is this Friday, please be sure to attend, y'all."

"Now on to our Quote o' the Day with China."

-

Quote of the Day

"Herro, am Zhongguo and onry Zhongguo." China began.

"And what is the Quote of the Day, China?" Hawaii asked.

"The quote of day... I think I am know what is."

"What is it?" Maine asked.

"Nothing happen on June 4, 1989." China looked straight at the camera and smiled.

"Oh... kay." Hawaii looked dumbfounded. "Um... to Ukraine and Russia."

-

Joke of the Day

"Alright Ukraine and Russia, tell us a joke!"

"Okaying. Privyet, Ukrayna, am have joke." Russia began.

"What is?" Ukraine asked.

"Why did chicken cross road?" Russia asked.

"I am not knowing, why did?" Ukraine asked.

"To rescue oppressed Russian minority."

"..."

"..."

"...Back to... Florida and England." Hawaii sighed.

-

"Thanks for watching! I'm England..." England started.

Florida looked around for who was supposed to finish her sentence.

Hawaii furiously typed on the teleprompter FLORIDA, IT'S YOUR TURN.

"And I'm England!" Florida continued.

"CUT!" Connecticut slammed down his clipboard and stormed out of the room.

Students in Dr. Thread's homeroom:

Belarus ♀

California ♀

Canada ♀

(KilwaAfar) Cheese ♂

Colombia ♂

Connecticut ♂

Cuba ♂

Cyprus ♂

Ecuador ♀

El Salvador ♂

Fianchetto ♂

Florida ♂

FreeStater ♂

Honduras ♂

ItzIngenious ♂

Jordan ♂

Kenya ♂

Kingsfisher ♂

Mexico ♂

Nauru ♂

Nigeria ♂

North Carolina ♂

Palestine ♂

Paraguay ♂

Philippines ♀

Russia ♂

Serbia ♀

Toowise ♂

Wyoming ♂

"Hola, Colombia, mi would like thankings tú por los drug- I MEAN los candy that tú gaving to me. I got very hig- I mean I muy enjoyed el flavor." Mexico exclaimed hurriedly, perhaps even a bit too hurriedly, and handed Colombia

"Eres muy welcome for the drug- I mean el candy, am alegre to provide you with mis services." Colombia replied. "Ecuador, count los moneys y put el money in el envelópe."

"¡Sí!" Ecuador grabbed the money from Colombia and put it in a green envelope with the words CANDY MONEY on it.

Serbia laughed loudly as she exclaimed something excitedly at Kingsfisher.

"Your voice is like moving a fork left and right on a metal plate." Connecticut covered his ears.

Serbia looked at him briefly, rolled her eyes, and went back to laughing with Kingsfisher.

Dr. Thread was writing some notes about Albania and China’s relationship during WWII on the board for the students that he has in his second period class to copy in their notebooks.

“Dr. Thread, can I go to the bathroom?” ItzIngenious asked.

“I don’t know, can you?” Dr. Thread asked.

“I don’t know, can you get a job that doesn’t suck?” ItzIngenious asked.

“He ate that.” California exclaimed.

“Anyway, I’m going to use the bathroom.” ItzIngenious retorted.

“No, you should have used it at lunch.” Dr. Thread shrugged.

“I didn’t have to go at lunch, I have to go now.” ItzIngenious shot back.

“If you leave this classroom, you will get expelled.” Dr. Thread warned.

“Fine.” ItzIngenious stood on the table, pulled his pants down, and began to urinate all over the floor.

“Happy now?” ItzIngenious asked rhetorically.

“No, that’s so disgusting.” Dr. Thread grimaced. “If it was an emergency, why not just go?”

“Because you would expel me if I left.” ItzIngenious replied.

“Well, now you’re going to be expelled for peeing on the floor.” Dr. Thread demanded. “Clean yourself and then go to the principal.”

The bell rang.

The students began to pack their belongings.

“Ah ah ah. The bell doesn’t dismiss you, I do.” Dr. Thread reminded the students.

“Then why the hell is the bell there? For background music? I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be a dismissal bell if the dismissal bell didn’t DISMISS us.” California asked.

"I would send you to the principal's office but you'll probably end up there later anyway." Dr. Thread breathed in and out to calm himself and went back to studying his lesson plans.

1. McKenzieFam (+3)

2. China (+4)

3. India (+7)

4. North Korea (-1)

5. South Korea (-3)

6. Massachusetts (-5)

7. Connecticut (+27)

8. Colin (-2)

9. Taiwan (-2)

10. Germany (+8)

11. Switzerland (=)

12. Australia (+9)

13. Kansas (-5)

14. Rwanda (+9)

15. Norway (+10)

16. Botswana (+11)

17. New Zealand (+19)

18. Japan (+10)

19. Libya (+7)

20. Denmark (+12)

21. Bhutan (+8)

22. Canada (+16)

23. Belgium (-6)

24. Netherlands (-10)

25. Sweden (-13)

26. Finland (-13)

27. Maryland (-8)

28. Cheese (-8)

29. ItzIngenious (-7)

30. Louisiana (+10)

31. Greece (+17)

32. FreeStater (+17)

33. Hawaii (+17)

34. Cyprus (+13)

35. Azerbaijan (NEW)

36. Armenia (+6)

37. New Mexico (-2)

38. Georgia_US (-1)

39. Virginia (+3)

40. Luxembourg (-24)

41. Liechtenstein (-26)

42. England (NEW)

43. Monaco (NEW)

44. Israel (-11)

45. Saudi Arabia (NEW)

46. Bahrain (NEW)

47. Kenya (NEW)

48. Texas (NEW)

49. Belarus (-40)

50. Portugal (NEW)

As the students left their classrooms from various doors, eventually all of them congregated around the big green poster with all their names on it, and the first page was all anyone cared about. Colleges, scholarships, grades, GPA, valedictorian, salutatorian. All everyone cared about.

Massachusetts was the first to react. And it was not a good one.

"WHAT?" Massachusetts cried out. "BUT... BUT..."

Louisiana rolled his eyes and put his arms around a hysterical Massachusetts.

"S-s-sixth...? Sixth... place? No college will want me now!" He cried.

"Well, now, darlin', don't you fret none. Ain't no need to get all worked up! Them colleges ain't gonna turn their noses up at ya. They'll still be mighty interested in havin' ya join their ranks. Just take a deep breath, relax, and trust that everything's gonna work out just fine. Ya hear?" Louisiana attempted to comfort Massachusetts.

Massachusetts seemed to consider this, until he saw who was right behind him in rank.

"OH MY GOD. NO. Connecticut CAN'T beat me. He just can't. I have to be first place. I have to. Have to be first. First place." Massachusetts paced maniacally. "If Connecticut wins valedictorian over me... or even worse, China... I'll kill myself."

"You ain't mad at MKF tho'?" Louisiana asked.

"Sure I am. But I don't know what he'll do to me if he knows that." Massachusetts quivered in fear.

McKenzieFam drilled his piercing eyes into the back of Massachusetts' head, laughing darkly.

"Hehehehehehehehehehe..." His dark laughter bounced along the walls as everyone seemed to get further from him.

About thirty feet from where Louisiana stood with Massachusetts, Russia had Ukraine pinned against the wall.

"xaxa. You aren't in ze top 50 GPAs anymore. Can't even beat Belarus! Vhat... loser." Russia jeered.

"I've probably still beating yuo." Ukraine looked intimidated.

"Whatever yuo having to tell yuorself." Russia laughed, and left with a smitten Belarus on his arm. much to the chagrin of a nearby Kingsfisher.

Kentucky, FreeStater, Georgia, and Texas approached the list as well among the lingering and loud crowd.

"Well lookee there! I made the list!" Texas did a little celebratory dance.

"Me too, suh! E'en tho' I went down a spot." Georgia laughed.

"I increased seventeen spots." FreeStater observed.

"Well whoop-do. Not everyone c'n be as perfect as you!" Kentucky laughed with FreeStater.

"NOOOO!" Armenia wailed. "That... passed... ME?"

"Hah. Now what? I thought yuo was 'better and smarter' than I?" Azerbaijan laughed.

"What ever." Armenia stormed off.

India seemed to have a positive reaction to this as well.

"Vonderful! I manage to reach third place!" India smiled to himself.

"Well, you cannot into beat Zhongguo, of coulse." China laughed.

North Korea was rocking back and forth, a blank look upon his face.

"Vaat is wrong, Uttar Koriya?" India asked.

"I BEAT OTHER KOREA!!!" He shot an evil glare at South Korea, who began to cry.

Suddenly, the bell rang, and the other students stepped around a hysterically crying and convulsing Massachusetts as they hurried to class.

"Please give a warm welcome to your future class president of 2024, Coooooooo-necticut!" the invisible announcer drawled.

Connecticut pompously waved to the crowd, and the auditorium erupted in applause.

"I hope you guys are enjoying the personalized Gucci bags I left under your chairs." Connecticut muttered into the microphone coolly.

Those who hadn't realized the bags were there reached under their seats.

"YASSSSSS!" Canada pulled out her bag, which had a big patch on the back with the flag of Canada on it.

"Mine is better than yours." ItzIngenious held his in Canada's face, which had a patch on the back with a Mooshroom on it.

Canada rolled her eyes obnoxiously. "Whatever." She scowled as ItzIngenious accidentally on purpose kicked over her Tim Horton's coffee cup.

The applause at this point was absolutely deafening. Paraguay had to be wheeled out of the auditorium because he had gotten too hyper from the noise and tried to choke three teachers.

Connecticut discreetly propped his personalized Gucci wallet on the podium and flashed a big white surgically enhanced smile.

Monaco flashed him a look of approval.

"You get a vacation! You get a vacation! You ALL get vacations!" Connecticut yelled charismatically. "At my dad's resort."

"Thank you for your accolades! LIGHTS!" Connecticut demanded.

Florida continued dancing in the corner.

"LIGHTS!"

Florida kept swaying his hips.

"Oh my. Той has IQ of zero." Bulgaria whispered to Fianchetto.

"It's stirr rearry dark in heru." Japan remarked audibly.

"I SAID... LIGHTS!" Connecticut screamed at Florida.

"What are lights?" Florida asked.

With an exasperated sigh, Nepal stood up to turn the lights on.

"Hello, students of United Nations High School! You all obviously know me, Connecticut, and I wanna be your president!" Connecticut threw some silver confetti into the crowd.

Florida doubled over, choking on the confetti.

"Why'd you eat the confetti- nevermind. I won't even bother." Australia rolled her eyes. "These Advil are fair dinkum for having to deal with this idiot, bloody oath mate."

New Zealand and Lightning enthusiastically nodded in agreement.

The applause roared.

"If you will all look to your left to the projector, I have prepared an informative video about my campaign." Connecticut motioned. "LIGHTS OFF!"

Florida fiddled with the light switch until he somehow got the lights off.

The video began to play. Connecticut stood in front of a yellow background with UN insignia on it.

"Hi there. My name is Connecticut, and I want to be your next school president!" He began.

"What makes a good president? Someone who is popular. Someone who cares for you. And someone who will buy you whatever you want."

"I have been an exemplary student at this high school and my father has donated many of the wondrous facilities we have at this school, such as our football field, gym, bathrooms, and cafeteria."

"This is the worst video I've ever seen in my life." Maryland rolled her eyes.

"My first order of operation is for us to have a field trip every single month, and free snack carts in the hallways because my daddy's gonna pay for them." Connecticut flashed his infectious smile.

Some of the girls swooned at his attractive smile.

"Once I am elected, I will fly everyone down to Paris for macarons. And then we can go swimming in the Caribbean with the dolphins! And I will give free tickets to any concert of your choice!" Connecticut laughed.

Maryland and India looked worried.

"Is so professional...how vill compete..." India murmured.

"Shush." Maryland elbowed him in the ribs.

"Thank you! And remember, a vote for Connecticut is a vote for a better future!" He ended with a smile and the projector flashed before turning off.

The audience erupted with applause. A few roses were thrown towards Connecticut, as well as a few bras.

Suddenly, a tomato flew across the auditorium and hit Connecticut square in his bulky chest. It bounced right off.

"OH MY GODDDD!" The girls in the audience erupted in lust for the heartthrob on the stage.

"HE'S SO HOTTTT!" Canada screeched.

"Why, I'll be. What a dashing young gentleman." South Carolina put her parasol over her face to hide her blush.

"UGH!" Maryland grumbled.

"Thank you! Thank you! And the video said it all for me! If you want all your hopes and dreams to be fulfilled, vote Connecticut!" Connecticut grabbed his wallet. "They love me."

Maryland shuffled her note cards in her hand.

"Good luck, you're gonna need it!" Connecticut chuckled coolly and left the stage, with South Carolina on one arm and Maldives on the other.

Maryland took the stage.

"GO MARYLAND!!!" India clapped and yelled, while everyone else remained silent.

Everyone looked unimpressed.

"Not güd lįder at öll." Turkey remarked.

"Wir sick of yüo!" Luxembourg yelled.

"YEAH!" The whole auditorium, including teachers, screamed.

"H-hi, my name is Maryland. I want to come here to talk to you about the issues this school faces." Maryland began, and shuffled her cards.

"WE DON'T CARE!" Canada yelled.

"YEAH!"

"JUST KUNSEED!" Alabama yelled.

"What does kunseed mean?" Arkansas asked.

"I'on know, it sounded cool though. I heard it on a Fox News browd-cast." Alabama chuckled, and took a long swig of Mountain Dew.

"Can we go home yet?" Canada asked demandingly.

"I hope so." United States replied.

"Yeah, this is getting uncomfortable." Canada covered her eyes to hide her embarrassment for Maryland.

"L-l-let's-s st-start off w-with sch-school lunches... t-they're bad, right? Heh." Maryland stammered.

"Really? I never notice. I no taste, just eat." Nauru shrugged and ate his fourth bacon sandwich of the day.

Everyone looked embarrassed for Maryland. She ran off stage, crying.

Scotland stood up, obviously intoxicated. "MARYLAND! MARYLAND! MARYLAND!" He began to chant.

The rest of the crowd suddenly began to follow. First the rejects, then the cheerleaders, then the jocks, and even the Russia sycophants.

"MARYLAND! MARYLAND! MARYLAND! MARYLAND!"

Maryland came back on stage and looked stunned. "My name's Maryland, and I would love to be your president." She looked relieved.

Connecticut looked livid. He threw his Gucci wallet to the ground and ran back up onstage. As soon as everyone saw him on stage, the "MARYLAND" cheers began to cease.

Connecticut hurriedly grabbed the microphone.

"Ugh, him again." Toowise murmured.

"Vote for me, and I'll make sure we have a half-day every Friday, and... we never have homework! And, everyone gets a free ride on my private jet!" Connecticut yelled hurriedly, hoping to sway the crowd back in his favor.

New Hampshire began the chant. "CONNECTICUT! CONNECTICUT! CONNECTICUT!"

All of a sudden, the crowd erupted louder than ever in chants for Connecticut. "CONNECTICUT! CONNECTICUT! CONNECTICUT! CONNECTICUT! CONNECTICUT! CONNECTICUT!"

Suddenly, music began playing, and Connecticut began doing a victory dance on stage.

"I told you our school was filled with easily-impressed idiots!" Connecticut whispered to Maine off-stage, and then grabbed the mic again. "I love you all! I am with the people, by the people, for the people, one with the people!"

"Sounds communist to me." Texas muttered in disapproval.

Maine grabbed her microphone and came on stage. "All hail your new class president, Coooooooooooonnecticuttttttttt!" The crowd erupted in applause.

"Louis Vuitton keychains for everyone!" Connecticut cheered, still doing his victory dance. The girls in the crowd swooned.

India suddenly grabbed a microphone, and began to yell, "He is lying to you! Maryland! Maryland! Maryland!"

Everyone looked around at each other, confused. They then began to chant louder, "CONNECTICUT! CONNECTICUT!" 

India dropped the microphone in defeat.

Maryland looked angry. She began to run out of the auditorium. As she passed India, she hollered, "India, you're fired!"

Students in Mr. Quizmaster's Geometry Class:

Australia ♀

Bahamas ♂

Bulgaria ♂

California ♀

Canada ♀

Colombia ♂

Cuba ♂

El Salvador ♂

Fianchetto ♂

Florida ♂

FreeStater ♂

Guinea ♀

Honduras ♂

ItzIngenious  ♂

Japan ♂

Kentucky ♂

Lightning ♂

Minnesota ♂

Mongolia ♀

New Zealand ♂

Philippines ♀

Sri Lanka ♂

“Hello class!” Mr. Quizmaster was ready to begin class. “First, I will call roll.” He went to get his attendance papers.

"When I call your name, please say here!"

"Australia."

"Here!"

"Bahamas."

Bahamas simply pressed play on his favorite calypso music, and the entire class instantaneously covered their ears.

"It's so bad!" ItzIngenious sputtered.

"If I mark you present will you turn that terrible music off!" Mr. Quizmaster demanded.

"Fine." Bahamas looked a bit offended.

"Let me wait for my ears to stop ringing... okay. Bulgaria?"

"Hзrз!"

"California."

California laughed and more vigorously scrolled through her phone.

"I'm not doing this today." Mr. Quizmaster angrily stormed over to her desk and picked it up. He spun and chucked the desk at the wall, narrowly missing Honduras' head.

California angrily went to retrieve her desk.

"Take out your pencils."

"What's a pen-sill?" Florida asked.

Suddenly, California burst into the classroom, panting. “Sorry I’m late!”

“Why are you late?” Mr. Quizmaster asked.

“Because I woke up late.” California responded matter-of-factly.

“Is that my fault?” Mr. Quizmaster demanded.

“Did I blame you?” California asked confidently. A few students oohed.

“That’s it. Go to the principal’s office now.” Mr. Quizmaster demanded.

“Oh man.” California replied sarcastically. She picked up her stuff and headed for the principal’s office.

“Did you really have to send her to the principal’s office?” Minnesota asked. "I LOVE conflict."

“Well, no. I don’t even care that she’s late. She’s just annoying. I would just rather her not be here to disrupt my mood. She is going to fail anyways and I don’t want to deal with her for another three years, so why not just get her expelled? Let’s get on with the lesson.” Mr. Quizmaster replied angrily.

“So, the average rate of change is called the slide.” Mr. Quizmaster taught.

“Actually, es slope.” Cuba recalled.

Mr. Quizmaster rolled his eyes. “The average rate of change is represented by the variable b.”

“Actually, it’s m.” New Zealand reminded.

“The formula is y=bx+m.” Mr. Quizmaster said.

“Actually, in the textbook, it says the formula's y=mx+b.” FreeStater read out of his textbook.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Professor FreeStater. So I guess five years of college, three years of teaching school, and ten years of teaching isn’t good enough for you. Would you like to come teach the rest of the class?" Mr. Quizmaster snapped.

“Damn, so you got all that experience and made a mistake like that?” FreeStater retorted. “You should get a refund for all that schoolin' you had to do. Because they clearly didn’ do a good job of teachin' you how to be a teacher.”

Some students started snickering.

“Are you disrespecting me?” Mr. Quizmaster asked rhetorically.

“Yeah, kinda.” FreeStater replied.

“That’s it, to the principal’s office.” Mr. Quizmaster demanded.

“I can’t believe California and FreeStater got sent to the principal’s office.” New Zealand whispered to Australia.

“This is like the tenth time this month California was sent there, mate.” Australia whispered back.

“Yeah, she’ll probably get expelled.” ItzIngenious interjected. “This is FreeStater's first time, he’ll be ok.”

“Excuse me, but are you talking while I’m teaching?” Mr. Quizmaster asked.

“Yes, I am talking while you’re teaching. Are you teaching while I’m speaking?” ItzIngenious replied.

“Oop-” New Zealand squeaked audibly.

“Well, yes, this is a classroom for teaching. If you don’t want to learn, don’t come to school.” Mr. Quizmaster  responded.

“Do you think I wanted to come to school?” ItzIngenious asked.

“It doesn’t matter, you still have to. If you keep talking, I’ll have to hand you a job application to McDonalds.” Mr. Quizmaster shot back.

“At least that’s better than your job. Probably pays more too.” ItzIngenious replied.

“Keep this up and I’m calling your parents.” Mr. Quizmaster threatened.

“If you keep being annoying I’m going to have to call YOUR parents.” ItzIngenious retorted.

“That’s it, go to the principal’s office.” Mr. Quizmaster demanded. “I’ll make sure you’re expelled just like I will California.”

“Does anyone else want to speak up? Or can I continue teaching?” Mr. Quizmaster asked rhetorically as ItzIngenious picked up his things and left.

Nobody had anything to say.

“Anyways, the formula for linear functions is bla bla bla…

Students in Mr. Quizmaster's Poetry Class:

Alabama ♂

Armenia ♂

Azerbaijan ♂

California ♀

China ♂

Colin ♂

FreeStater ♂

Greece ♂

India ♂

ItzIngenious ♂

Hungary ♂

Mississippi ♂

North Korea ♂

Pakistan ♂

Philippines ♀

Poland ♀

Russia ♂

Texas ♂

Turkey ♂

Ukraine ♂

"Good morning, class!" Mr. Nato waved to the class, a good quarter of whom were asleep, and the remainder were talking or on their phones.

As a result, Mr. Nato extracted a megaphone from under his desk and turned it on to the highest volume.

"GOOD MORNING, CLASS!"

Everyone was startled

"Good, now I have your attention. I'll call roll."

His roll call faded into the background as Colin's eyes burned holes into Philippines' head.

"What es yuor problem?" Philippines asked.

"You're my problem!" Colin snapped.

"Ladies, ladies!" Texas intervened.

"Excuse me!" Mr. Quizmaster interrupted. "Let me explain today's assignment. Today you all will be partnered up, and you will write poems about each other."

"Oh, how fun!" Colin beamed.

"You will not be able to choose your partners, I will choose them for you." Mr. Quizmaster stated.

Everyone in the room sighed.

"I don't care. You guys need to socialize with new people."

"So the partners are... Armenia and Azerbaijan. Greece and Turkey. Ukraine and Russia. China and Philippines. Colin and North Korea. Poland and Hungary. India and Pakistan. California and Texas. Alabama and Mississippi. FreeStater and ItzIngenious."

"Ugh." California looked pissed off, as did Texas.

"Cry about it, that's your partner whether you like it or not." Mr. Quizmaster sat down at his desk.

China stared at Philippines angrily as he firmly jabbed his pencil at his paper, creating many holes in it as he scribbled down angry words. Texas had to physically restrain India as he tried to stab Pakistan with his pencil.

Alabama and Mississippi were the only non-enemies in the class. They were having the time of their lives writing to their hearts content.

After about ten minutes, Mr. Quizmaster stood up.

"Alright, class! Time to see what you came up with! Only one of you has to share. First, China and Philippines."

China jabbed Philippines in the shoulder as they walked up to the front of the class.

"Ahem." Philippines cleared her throat.

China es a bully

And I hope he is of die

He is many stupid

And Phirippine Sea is of mine

"Oh." Mr. Quizmaster looked uneasy. "I don't even want to hear yours, China. Next up... California and Texas..."

Texas tipped his hat at the teacher, strutting to the front of the class. In a huff, California stormed up to the front of the class.

"Texas, you go first."

"Alrighty then."

I can't stand a commie

And I hope that you fall

You make me sick to my stomach

The most annoying person of all

"Aww! How sweet! Please have a seat, Texas and California."

"Next, we have FreeStater and ItzIngenious."

FreeStater shoved ItzIngenious to the front of the room, following close behind.

"ItzIngenious, would you like to share your poem?" Mr. Quizmaster asked.

"Certainly." He leered at FreeStater darkly.

Like the beaming sun

On a bright summer day...

You are annoying

And I hope you pass away

"Oh... that's violent! I think that's enough of this exercise!" Mr. Quizmaster ushered hurriedly.

"Naw! I wanted to read mine!" Alabama protested.

"Fine, read yours then."

"Alright then. Mississippi is my f- fr- f- fry-end...f- whatever this word is." Alabama sputtered.

"It's friend." Texas corrected.

"I knew that." Alabama looked around. "Mississippi is my fr- f- fry-end foh-eh-vah...

"Forever." Texas corrected.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Alabama turned around angrily.

"Damn, t'was just tryna be helpful." Texas shrugged.

"I'on need your help." The vein in Alabama's head throbbed.

"I think that's enough for today." Mr. Quizmaster sat at his desk and put both hands on his head in pain.

Table 1: Albania, Kosovo, Croatia

Table 2: Czechia, Slovakia, Slovenia

Table 3: Greece, Serbia, Armenia, Cyprus, Iran

Table 4: France, Spain, Portugal, England

Table 5: Finland, Sweden, Norway, Iceland, Denmark

Table 6: Russia, Belarus, Mongolia, North Korea, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan

Table 7: Bolivia, Paraguay, Uganda

Table 8: United States, Canada, Israel, Ireland

Table 9: Mexico, Colombia, Chile, Peru, Ecuador

Table 10: Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland

Table 11: Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg

Table 12: Poland, Hungary

Table 13: Ukraine, Georgia, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania

Table 14: Nauru, Pennsylvania, Mauritania

Table 15: Nepal, Bhutan, India

Table 16: Montenegro, Serbia, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Table 17: Switzerland, Germany, Austria

Table 18: Malta, Libya, Algeria, Tunisia

Table 19: Nigeria, Ghana, Benin, Niger, Côte d'Ivoire

Table 20: Djibouti, Ethiopia, Yemen

Table 21: Egypt, UAE, Sudan

Table 22: Namibia, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Botswana

Table 23: Sierra Leone, Liberia, Guinea

Table 24: Kenya, Tanzania, Cheese, Rwanda

Table 25: Eritrea, China, Qatar, Oman

Table 26: Morocco, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Jordan, Syria, Pakistan, Bahrain, Palestine

Table 27: Turkey, Afghanistan, Azerbaijan, Iraq, Kazakhstan

Table 28: Brazil, Guyana, Angola, Venezuela, Honduras, Guatemala

Table 29: El Salvador, Nicaragua

Table 30: Cuba, Jamaica, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic

Table 31: Australia, Lightning, New Zealand

Table 32: South Korea, Colin

Table 33: Taiwan, Japan, Indonesia, Vietnam, Fianchetto

Table 34: Maldives, California, Singapore, Sri Lanka

Table 35: Thailand, Malaysia, Philippines, Laos, Myanmar

Table 36: Romania, Bulgaria, Moldova

Table 37: Costa Rica, Panama

Table 38: Uruguay, Argentina, Italy

Table 39: Wisconsin, Alabama

Table 40: FreeStater (Qy), Kentucky, Texas, Georgia_US

Table 41: Wyoming, New Mexico

Table 42: Alaska, New Hampshire, Maine, Utah

Table 43: Connecticut, Monaco, Liechtenstein

Table 44: Ohio, Virginia, North Carolina, West Virginia

Table 45: Mississippi, Tennessee

Table 46: Nevada, Missouri, Hawaii

Table 47: Florida, Toowise, Astana

Table 48: New Jersey, New York

Table 49: Minnesota, South Dakota, Illinois

Table 50: Rhode Island, Vermont

Table 51: Washington, Oregon

Table 52: McKenzieFam (everyone is afraid to sit next to him)

Table 53: ItzIngenious, Quebec, Haiti

Table 54: Congo, DR Congo

^{i spent hours and hours doing diplomatic relations research ☹︎}

^{Kingsfisher does not eat in the cafeteria.}

(poland ditches hungary to go sit with ukraine)

At Table 8

United States was eating his very greasy burger and "French" fries and chatting with Canada.

"I can't believe you Americans eat that shite." Ireland looked horrified.

United States looked offended beyond belief.

"I was only coddin' ya, sheesh." Ireland rolled his eyes.

Suddenly, Fianchetto came up to his table with a crying Palestine.

"United States!" Fianchetto yelled.

United States and Canada turned around to see Fianchetto's angry expression.

"I think that it's absolutely reprehensible that you would sit with this warmonger Israel that has attacked poor Palestine unprovoked." Fianchetto exclaimed.

"But Israel has the right to defend itself! At least that's what United States told me." Ireland shrugged.

"Oh you said that, did you?" Fianchetto looked even angrier.

United States giggled and looked back at his food.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!" Fianchetto grabbed Israel's shoulder roughly.

"HEY!" Instead of pushing Fianchetto, Israel went past Fianchetto and pushed Palestine to the ground.

"HEY!" Yemen ran towards Israel preparing to attack.

Suddenly, Dr. Thread and Mr. Geopro ran to the scene. Mr. Geopro grabbed Yemen's arms to restrain him, while Dr. Thread broke up Israel and Palestine.

"That's enough! Any more altercations and I'll have to send you all to detention!" Dr. Thread yelled.

"All? I didn't do anything!" Canada complained.

"I said what I said." Dr. Thread glared at all of them and left.

"You heard him. Back to your table, loser." United States waved Fianchetto away.

Fianchetto looked livid, but reluctantly withdrew to his table. He whispered something to Japan, who then gave United States a dirty look.

"I'm popular, I don't care." United States laughed pompously.

"This is why I hang out with ye." Ireland chuckled.

At Table 9

"I made mucho monies en homeroom today. These suckers will pay any price para these drug- I mean los candy." Colombia chuckled. "Ecuador! Count los monies!" 

"Sí!" Ecuador reached into the envelope and quickly counted the money. "Seiscientos cincuenta y un dólares con noventa y dos centavos."

"Sólo six hundred? Es fine, will having Venezuela's familia take care of whoever it was." Colombia seemed unfazed.

Suddenly, a paranoid Brazil came up to Colombia.

"¡Hola, mamacita! ¿Can I help tú?" Colombia asked.

"Eu need some droga- I mean o candy." Brazil muttered.

"¿How much tú got?" Colombia inquired.

"I having... dez dólares."

"Mi cheapest product es veinte." Colombia shrugged.

"We no can make um deal?" Brazil asked suggestively, strategically pulling her shirt down slightly.

"What kind of deal?" Colombia looked intrigued.

"Hermano, hide el product, the big man es coming." Mexico murmured as her eyes widened.

United States strolled by pompously. "Hola, Mexicans. What are we doing?"

"Talking." Chile looked uncomfortable.

"We aren't selling drugs, are we? Colombia?" United States asked.

"N-no..." Colombia stuttered, remembering what happened last time United States caught him dealing. "Ecuador, hide the product!" 

Ecuador shoved the envelope deeper into Colombia's backpack.

"What do we have in there?" United States eyed the backpack.

"B-birthday money..." Colombia sputtered.

"Hmm... okay." United States grinned smugly and left.

At Table 12

"So hau vas klass..." Hungary began, immediately noticing Poland was not paying attention.

"Tak, tak..." Poland was looking off in the distance.

"Wat is yuo look at?" Hungary asked curiously.

"Nothing, nothing..." But Poland seemed very fixated on something.

Hungary looked at approximately the same place Poland was looking.

And that's when he saw.

UKRAINE.

He was laughing it up with Estonia and Georgia.

Ő isz stealing mne woman! Hungary thought to himself.

"Hej, ja will być back in minute..." Poland stood up abruptly and walked away, sure to maneuver through as many tables as possible.

Hungary watched Poland walk away and was horrified at what he saw.

Poland slid into a seat... right. next. to. UKRAINE. 

This was the last straw.

Palestine was in the sandbox playing with his brand-new toy missile that Jordan had bought him for his birthday. "Tseowwwwwwwwwwwwww!" He mimicked the sound that the missile would make.

Suddenly, Israel walked up to him in the sandbox. "Shalom!" Israel displaced some sand, which hit Palestine in the face.

"Ow!" Palestine rubbed his eye, which was now full of sand.

Palestine threw his toy missile directly into Israel's eye. "Infidel!"

Israel jumped on Palestine and began punching his head. "Terrorist!"

Palestine grabbed Israel's throat and slammed him into the sand.

Suddenly, cries of "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT" erupted throughout the playground as the students crowded around them to watch them fight.

"Stupid goy!" Israel cried as he pulled Palestine's hair.

"Ugly Zionist pig!" Palestine yelled as he slapped Israel's face.

Suddenly, Mr. Nato ran to the sandbox and pulled Israel and Palestine apart.

"But Mr. Nato, he starting it!" Palestine cried.

"Was just saying him the shalom! He rocket my eye!" Israel yelled.

"I don't want to hear it! You're both getting detention for fighting again!" Mr. Nato grabbed them both by the collars and hauled them inside, subsequently snatching California's phone that she was using to record Palestine and Israel's fight.

"The sandbox is for sharing, not fighting!" Mr. Nato reminded when both of them were inside.

"I hate you. Terrorister." Israel grumbled.

"Death to Iisrayiyl." Palestine murmured.

Students in Mr. Geopro's History class:

Afghanistan ♂

Alaska ♂

California ♀

Canada ♀

Colin ♂

Côte d'Ivoire ♂

Dominican Republic ♀

Florida ♂

FreeStater ♂

Ghana ♂

Guyana ♂

Haiti ♂

Iran ♂

Israel ♂

ItzIngenious  ♂

Kenya ♂

Oman ♀

Nepal ♂

North Carolina ♂

Sealand ♂

Spain ♂

Venezuela ♀

"Hello, class, and welcome to world history class! On the agenda, today we will be continuing with our presentations of the projects that we worked on last week. For those that were absent, we created presentations of a historical event that we were individually assigned to document. Today, we will be viewing some of these presentations." Mr. Geopro began.

"UGH!" California coughed violently as North Carolina's secondhand smoke filled her lungs. "Teacher, can I PLEASE switch seats?"

"No." Mr. Geopro looked down and adjusted his glasses in order to begin taking roll.

California rolled her eyes and cursed inaudibly.

"OW!" Dominican Republic forcefully elbowed Haiti in the ribs. He doubled over in pain.

Mr. Geopro ignored the altercating students and continued. "So our next presentation will be from ItzIngenious. Please come to the board."

ItzIngenious adjusted his Minecraft hoodie and walked to the front of the class with his hands in his pockets. He put his laptop on the podium in order to AirPlay his presentation.

.

.

.

.

.

"And in conclusion, the Holocaust was bad. Not poggers at all." ItzIngenious looked at the teacher and then at the class. Tentative applause followed.

"I don't get it." California interjected suddenly.

"What don't you get?" Mr. Geopro asked.

"His whole presentation." California replied.

"Huh?" ItzIngenious exclaimed.

"Well, it was about the Holocaust." Mr. Geopro reminded.

"What is the Hall of Cost?" Florida chimed in.

Ignoring Florida's idiotic outburst, California continued. "I know."

"And how the Holocaust was bad..." ItzIngenious continued, confused.

"I still don't get it." California said.

"You don't get how the Holocaust was bad?" ItzIngenious asked. Everyone looked confused, especially Israel and Mr. Geopro.

"No, it was just like the way you worded everything." California responded.

"What do you mean?" ItzIngenious asked.

"I don't think it made sense. It wasn't very cutesy or mindful. And definitely not demure." California replied.

"Do you need me to speak slower? Maybe use less syllables so you can understand?" ItzIngenious asked in a condescending tone.

"Hey! That's rude." Mr. Geopro interjected.

"I mean, I'm just one person. My opinion doesn't matter." California continued.

"Then why did you share it?" ItzIngenious inquired.

"It's a free country. Unlike Germany in 1941... which you should have paraphrased in two bullet points on slide 16 instead of three in order to make your points more streamlined." California advised.

"For someone who didn't get my presentation, you seem to remember a lot of it." ItzIngenious sighed.

"Tragedies are often memorable." California giggled.

The whole class looked stunned.

"Wow! Okay, so let's move onto the next presentation! I believe Kenya was next?" Mr. Geopro said hurriedly.

"Is there an issue here?" ItzIngenious asked, perhaps a bit threateningly.

"I literally have, like, no clue what you're talking about." California replied.

"Do you want to present for me since I'm so bad at it?" ItzIngenious asked sarcastically.

"I have my own presentation..." California replied, confused.

"I'd love to see it." ItzIngenious responded.

Suddenly, the bell rang.

"Guess you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Loser." California laughed and left the classroom with her backpack and large Stanley cup.

"I hate her." ItzIngenious grumbled.

"Me too." Mr. Geopro muttered under his breath.

Students in Mr. European's Europe 101 class:

Afghanistan ♂

Algeria ♂

Belgium ♂

Croatia ♀

Czechia ♂

Denmark ♂

Estonia ♀

France ♂

Greece ♂

Israel ♂

Italy ♂

Latvia ♀

Lithuania ♀

Luxembourg ♂

Morocco ♂

Netherlands ♂

Niger ♂

Norway ♂

Poland ♀

Romania ♂

Sealand ♂

Slovakia ♂

Spain ♂

Sweden ♂

Syria ♀

"Guten tag, klass! Yuo must making sure finish yuor diskussion börd before end of day, ja? Yuo need to write reply on diskussion börd with your least favorite minority grüp and why, yes? Minimum five sentence, very good! Is important, okay?" Mr. European began.

"Gib space laser!" Morocco demanded.

"No." Israel replied.

"Anyvay, today ve haf some new student, please wilkommens."

Suddenly, Syria, Afghanistan, and Niger came into the classroom.

"Is not szit next to én... please..." Hungary whimpered. "Thesze terroristák inváding our klass."

Syria and Afghanistan sat on either side of Hungary.

"Is nightmare..." Hungary murmured. "Én hoping the skáry terroristák dón't húrting mí..."

"Too of many imigranci." Poland sighed. "I am of not knowing vich is of vorse, Rosja or the Arabskis."

"I will paying yuo many krona to göt away fråm mig." Sweden looked at Syria with disgust.

"Children, today ich am going to tell yuo about advantages of join Eurozone!" Mr. European continued.

"We hate yuor lessons." Czechia complained.

"Seriously, am tired of yuo constantly tell propaganda. I want to going home!" Hungary whined.

"Am wis szomething bad would happen so we could leaving this plasze."

As soon as the words left his mouth, it seemed as though Paraguay's unstable laughter echoed throughout the school.

"Yuo should learning instead of be complain." Slovakia chimed in.

"Sut up, Slovak!" Hungary exclaimed. "Lengyelország, what yuo of doing?"

"I texting of Ukraina." Poland looked down at her phone.

Hungary suddenly became very angry.

"Alright, so first question." Mr. European continued, suddenly changing accents. "What do you do when a large amount of immigrants enters your country in a short period of time?"

"Wir wilkommen with open arm!" France exclaimed, though it seemed not even he believed that was the correct answer.

The other European students gave him a dirty look, except for Sealand, who was wiping the copious amounts of oil from his brow.

"Anyone else?" Mr. European asked for a different answer.

"We make ímigrate law big sztrikt, and in big case, we say no them come in our kountrí at all!" Hungary exclaimed.

Poland giggled and blushed. Lithuania and Czechia nodded in approval.

"That so mean, Ungari." Estonia said.

"Sut up, yuo not even real Nordic." Hungary retorted.

"That's enough! Another answer?" Mr. European inquired.

"Let yo seeing if yo recuerdoing... give them many dinero?"

"You sound like America." Mr. European chuckled. "That's enough for today, class dismissed!"

I'm getting close to 20,000 takes. When I started writing this blog, I was at only 8,000. Pretty cool, thank you guys for taking my quizzes.

Check here for the profiles of each character! It's at 49,907 characters, so I can't really add more. Maybe one or two. If you want to be a student, comment!

I hope you enjoyed. Please like and comment. Thanks for reading.