Philip and Joseph

Philip is walking around his town with his dog. The sun is shining, it's a lovely day. He walks to the library.

A crowd surrounds 'im, muttering repeatedly "ou c'est le bibliotheque". They lock the door of the library. Philip finds a torch and burns half the library down just to make the French mad. Then he finds a book called 'Tales of a JetPunker' and says it's the best book ever. He saves all the JetPunk books before burning down the rest of the library. The fire department arrives and people are running crazy. Philip's dog runs away. Philip chases his dog down the street holding as many JetPunk books as he can. Philip catches his dog in a forest, but he lost a JetPunk book about history quizzes. He decides to walk back home. He arrives there 20 minutes later. Philip is a changed man after his time in the woods. He’s not the same Mr. Philip Van Houten that he used to be all those hours ago. The things those trees are hiding… Philip starts a pumpkin pie baking cult which worships Mao Zedong Jeppy. Unfortunately, all of Philip's pumpkin pies ran away and went for a swim in the radioactive lake. The pumpkin pies contamined the lake and became Shar-pkin, pumpkin Sharks. The pumpkin sharks eat a scuba diver, which prompts a SWAT operation to capture them and take them to area 51. Philip was scared of his own pumpkin sharks. Now he is happy, so he goes back to the library in town. The SWAT team captures the sharks and takes them to area 51, where they have to be roommates with a bunch of squash whales. Philip's town library turns out to be in two universes at the same time, causing a flux in spacetime because that *probably* should be impossible. Philip gets whisked away to another planet that's basically 100% area 51. Aliens nuke earth. Now that Mars has been colonized, Philip takes his dog and they migrate to this lovely planet, away from the chaos of what once was earth. But the are not safe yet, because the squash wales survived the nuke and they want to chase Philip and his dog. Its name is Joseph, btw. Joseph betrays Philip. Philip, angry at Joseph, hires an army of squirrels, lets them poop on the rug, and feeds them gourmet kindergarten homework, hoping to win back his dog. He is successful. Philip and Joseph have to defend the squash wales together. It is a close fight... Philip goes to a random house because he's tired, and him and Joseph fall asleep on their couch. Then a squash whale (which is a human in disguise) puts Philip and Joseph to sleep, turns on their T.V., and watches the show Country Showdown.

When Philip wakes up, he doesn't appreciate a squash whale sitting on him.

The squash whale eats Philip when he woke up and is now attempting to impersonate Philip. He goes to his neighbor's house and places mailboxes everywhere. The squash whale is as dumb as a rock because it ate someone who has a lot of kindergarten homework, so it fell into a ditch and died. Joseph finally wakes up and realizes that Philip is gone. So he eats Philip's magic coffee and tries to look for him. Joseph soon finds a magical forest. But this forest was very dangerous and could cause serious injures. Joseph goes in anyway. Joseph immediately gets serious injuries. He attempts to call an ambulance but they also get serious injuries, so that ambulance calls another ambulance but then that ambulance also also gets serious injuries and the cycle keeps repeating. Philip is able to escape from the dead squash wale and he runs to the magical forest as soon as he can. He can enter it without getting serious injuries and he can save Joseph and the ambulances. They go back to Philips house and they all eat a cake together. Joseph is tired and falls asleep.

THE END

Parts of the story were written by:

Neodymium

KiloNova

LuckyCat

Interest1ngFacts

Astana

DjSigma

Amphi64

ItzIngenious

HubertThePhoenix

Capybarra

Xtrordinary

UnrequitedLove

JetLunkoPunk

Thanks!