Dawn of the JetPunk Empires - Part XI
First published: Tuesday June 21st, 2022
Jerusalem, Macedonian Empire - 23 January 2022
In an alley somewhere in Jerusalem.
Tall Arab man: أهلا
Mysterious hooded figure: Hello Ashan. It's good to finally meet you. I trust you received my message.
Ashan: Yes sir. And I'd be happy to be of service to your cause.
Sir: Splendid. Well, our time is short, so we must be hasty.
Ashan: What do you mean? Is there something wrong?
Sir: No, nothing we hadn't planned for. It's just that Tamashii and his pesky boy band have gotten their clammy hands into my business. But trust me, it really isn't an issue, I have already sent men to dispose of their pitiful agency. They'll be sorry they ever intervened.
Ashan: Well then sir, what would you have me to do?
Sir: Unfortunately, although Tamashii is no problem, there is in fact a larger spanner in the works.
Ashan: What's that sir?
Sir: Alexander the Bighead has gone and started a war. A war is the last thing I need. We must hurry to repair their relations before Napoleon launches his invasion.
Ashan: Why are you so opposed to war?
Sir: If the other world leaders get war into their tiny little brains, they'll squash me as soon as I rise back to power.
Ashan: But sir, if everyone is side-tracked and distracted by a war, then it will produce the ideal social climate for you to rise from the ashes.
Sir: Ashan, you are a genius! I will be known worldwide as the Phoenix Sultan! I will rise from my own ashes. So Ashan, I am sending you to Sana'a. I want you to stir up a protest among the cult there. Pay their leader as many naturas as necessary to make their cult want to join the war.
Ashan: Which side do I convince them to join?
Sir: Umm. Tell them to join Napoleon and begin a great invasion and expansion of the Caliphate through the Macedonian Empire. We want to throw the Veggie Caliphate deep into civil conflict. We want to tare their empire apart. If Miecraftman decides not to join, we can accuse him of siding with Macedon, and we'll convince the cult and their millions of followers to rise up against the democratic government. We will get them to cede from the Caliphate, join the war, and spread it worldwide. Then amidst all the confusion, I will re-establish the greatest country the world has ever known - the Viniga Sultanate, with me as its leader.
Ashan: That is a great plan, sir. I'll go to Sana'a at once. What will you be doing?
Viniga: I will stir up the citizens of Saudi Arabia against the Veggie's. They will become pro war and pro Grandian as well.
Ashan: Good luck, sir. Long live the Sultan.
Viniga (quietly to himself): Good luck too, Ashan. And for your sake and mine, I hope you succeed - your life depends on it...
Greek coast, Macedonian Empire - 24 January 2022
Colonel: Yes, sir?
Napoleon: I want a full scale invasion. Don't stop until we can achieve unconditional surrender.
Colonel: Ok sir. Any other orders?
Napoleon: Take civilian hostages to force their hand. We'll see what those scums can come up with when they face the might of the Grande Armee!
Napoleon turns to his army and raises a fist in the air. The 4,255 soldiers that make up Napoleon's army cheer and begin the long march into the Macedonian Empire.
The Grandians make 2 naval landings: one in the north near the city of Parga, and one in the south near the city of Pyrgos. The 2 fronts push along the coast towards each other, with the southern one especially making progress. Within days, the southern front reaches and captures the strategic city of Patras, and most importantly the Rion-Antirion Bridge. Before the Macedonian army is mobilised, the Grandians connect the two fronts around the Ambracian Gulf. Then as a joint force, they push eastwards but are slowed in progress by the mountains.
Meanwhile in Athens, Macedonian Empire - 25 January 2022
RB1: thegoatisgoaty! Napoleon and his army have invaded Greece!
tgig: What!?!? How many soldiers do they have?
RB2: We estimate around 10,000 in total.
tgig: Then send at least 50,000 of our own to stop them from advancing. I need to talk with Napoleon and settle this.
RB3: Well, we already spoke to Alexander, and he said that Napoleon is weak and useless and we shouldn't bother stopping him yet, because at least he is distracted from our expedition through the Amazon.
tgig: Expedition? Amazon? Is this a joint exploration with EMG? Why don't I know about this?
RB4: Err... not exactly. The EMG are unaware. Alexander and some of his finest men are searching the Amazon for an orb that he claims will give him world domination.
tgig: And exploration in the Amazon without MG's permission? What is he doing? He's delusional! I must find out who is behind this scheme before it escalates even further.
RB5: Well, the Grande Armee has taken civilian hostages. It seems he is trying to force your hand in this war.
tgig: Oh dear. Send 50,000 soldiers to push them back and I'll try to defuse the war with Napoleon.
Hobart, Great Southern Empire - 26 January 2022
Emperor Geopro (at his national/international eddress): G'day to all the noble citizens of the GSE. Fair dinkum', it's Australia day mates, and to celebrate we are giving out free lamingtons, meat pies, and chicken parmis. Also every LGA in the country will be hosting a bbq with snags, steaks, hamburgers and kebabs.
As for those from other countries, I'm exporting 1 million packets of Tim Tams to encourage you to celebrate the day with us. Enjoy everyone, and happy Australia Day mates!
Abuja, Veggie Caliphate - 27 January 2022
Tamashii: Sir! MiecraftMan!
MiecraftMan: Yes Tamashii? What is it?
Tamashii: We have received an anonymous letter disclosing the location of Sultan Viniga.
MiecraftMan: Great! Where is he?
Tamashii: According to the letter he is hiding in a small house on the outskirts of Jerusalem.
MiecraftMan: Ok then. Take a task force of how ever many men you need, and take him down.
Tamashii: Do I execute him, or take him hostage?
MiecraftMan: Take him as hostage, but if he resists, and puts you or your men in danger, then don't hesitate to finish him once and for all.
Tamashii: Ok, I'll leave at once.
MiecraftMan: Good luck!
Tamashii and his task force of 20 men travel to Jerusalem, and search for hours for the correct house. ONce they finally find a house that matches the description perfectly, they plan their attack. Tamashii and his men slowly surround the house, and several snipers are positioned atop various nearby buildings. The men expertly approach the house in utter silence, and Tamashii gestures for one of them to kick down the door. They all prepare their pistols ready for the attack. The man kicks down the fragile door and Tamashii and his men storm in.
Tamashii: Viniga! Your time is up! Surrender peacefully and we will spare your life!
Viniga: If you want to get me, you'll have to catch me!
Tamashii and his men scan the interior of the room, but can't find Viniga. They narrow down his position to behind an upturned wooden table. The men creep over with their guns ready, but Viniga is nowhere to be seen. All they find is a voice recording playing Viniga's voice. One of the men accidentally trips on something hidden under a rug. He removes the rug, and discovers a trap door.
Tamashii: He must have seen us coming and escaped through the trap door with the voice recording to fool us. Very cunning.
Tamashii and his men climb down through the opening and down a tall ladder to a tunnel in the bottom. They begin to travel through the tunnel but when they round the corner, they come to a dead end.
Tamashii: We've been fooled again! Quickly, back to the ladder!
Tamashii and his men race back to the ladder. They look up to the trap door and see a man at the top. He smirks at them and promptly slams the trap door. Tamashii and his men hear it lock as they helplessly stand in the dark at the bottom. Something lands on the ground near them with a clunk. It is the voice recorder.
Sultan Viniga: Well Tamashii, I thought you would be smarter than that. Didn't think I could fool you so easily with an anonymous letter and a mysterious trap door. Oh well, enjoy your time under Jerusalem, you won't be seeing the light of day for a long, long time... or ever again.
Tamashii smashes the voice recorder in his anger.
Tamashii: Don't worry men. We still have those snipers out there remember? They'll come for us.
Tamashii pulls out a two-way radio and tries to radio the snipers. No one replies.
London, British Isles Empire - 28 January 2022
Royal informer: Sir, there has been a major explosion in the Grando-Macedonian War.
BGG: Explosion! Where? How big? How many casualties?
Royal informer: No, not a literal explosion. Just a major development in the war.
BGG: Oh, what happened?
Royal informer: A large militant cult in the Veggie Caliphate has risen up and used their influence and heaps of road blocks to take control of a large area in Yemen and Saudi Arabia. Because of this, the Veggie Caliphate is in civil war. We don't know what MiecraftMan will do: he might repress them with the military, or let them cede as they desire. The cult though is supporting Napoleon and the Grandians in the war, and they are beginnning to prepare a huge force of mostly untrained civilians and cult followers to invade the Macedonian Empire from the south.
BGG: Oh dear. I was hoping this war wouldn't escalate whilst I was in presidency. Do you suggest we intervene in any way?
Royal informer: We could support the Macedonian Empire with supplying weapons, or in alignment to the Pentente agreement we could support them militarily and send our army over there.
BGG: That's a tough decision. I guess I'll think about it and come out with an announcement in the next few days.
Royal informer: Also, many of the Infinity League members (the Vampires, Pacifists, and Sanctusians) and have voiced their support for the Grande Empire, and are internationally recognising the Yemeni cult as a nation independent of the Veggie Caliphate.
BGG: Well, I'll voice my support for the Macedon's and I'll remain neutral on the status of the Yemeni cult for now, but maybe later I'll pick a side. Have any Pentente members done anything?
Royal informer: Well the Imperial Union are afraid of the Imperium Sanctus and the Yemeni cult if they do anything because they are very close and border each other. The Blaze Empire has however sided with Macedon.
BGG: What about any of the Alliance members?
Royal informer: At the moment Chilefornia and the GIE are neutral but they obviously support the Veggie's and therefore are leaning towards picking Macedon's side.
BGG: And any neautral empires?
Royal informer: None of them have picked a side yet, however the GrandOldMen and Empires have supported the Grandians. Sawiwi has kinda supported the Macedon's. The Great Southerners have told everyone to stop the war, the Med-ats and Palapyans haven't said anything. As for EMG, they're staying out of it, and they're still a little upset with Macedon over their unauthorized Amazon expedition, but they also don't like GrandOldLand that much. Also dovewing/tigerheart/tancred/etc. has teamed up with the Sultan Viniga and is spreading havoc across Chilefornia and in Belarus in Macedon.
BGG: Oh well, I guess I'll stay technically neautral but support the Macedons.
Royal informer: Yes sir.
Breaking News, Worldwide - 29 January 2022
Reporter: The war has escolated, making many leaders nervous and making tough decisions, and many war-mongers eager for a worldwide conflict. The Grandians have been surprisingly successful in invading Greece, and just when tgig thought he had enough to worry about, he was informed about the Amazon expedition, Alexander's lunatic behaviour, the Belarusian protests, and now the Yemeni cult's invasion. They have self-proclaimed autonomy and are now sending armed forces into Egypt and Syria, avoiding population centres and setting up road blocks to generate income. tgig is calling for MiecraftMan to do something, and it seems that WWIII is not far away. Here is a summary of the empires:
- The Great Southern Empire:
Biggest city: Jakarta
Countries: Australia, New Zealand (Wellington,
South Island and Pavlova), Indonesia, East Timor, United States (Hawaii), Malaysia, Brunei, Singapore, France (New Caledonia), South Africa, Tanzania, Azerbaijan, Lunar Palace.
Leader: Emperor Geopro
Population: 459 million
- The Blaze Empire:
Biggest city: Tehran
Countries included: Iran, Afghanistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Monaco, Spain, United Kingdom (Gibraltar),
Syria, Iraq, New Zealand (Antarctica), Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, half of the moon, Qatar.
Leader: His (Great) Imperial Awesomeness, Solomon Blaze III
Population: 286 million
- Greater Indian Empire:
Capital: New Delhi
Biggest city: Delhi
Countries: India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Myanmar, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Comoros, Mauritius, France (Mayotte and Reunion), United Kingdom (BIOT), Madagascar, Norway (Antarctica), Mozambique, half of the moon, Bhutan, Kazakhstan, Seychelles, Azerbaijan.
Leader: Emperor Aficionado
Population: 2.007 billion
- Empire of the Minas Gerais:
Capital: Belo Horizonte
Biggest city: Sao Paulo
Countries: Brazil, Botswana (Chobe National Park), France (French Polynesia), Uruguay, Bolivia, Argentina, Free State of Hudson Bay.
Population: 297 million
- The Pacific Empire:
Biggest city: Tokyo
Countries included: Samoa, Tonga, Fiji, Kiribati, Marshall Islands, Solomon Islands, Federated States of Micronesia, Palau, Philippines, Vanuatu, Japan, Tuvalu, New Zealand (North Island except for Wellington).
Population: 241 million
- The Nauru Empire:
Biggest city: New York
Tuvalu, United States (Except for Hawaii, Alaska, the Carolinas, Wisconsin, California, Virginia and overseas territories), New Zealand (North Island except for Wellington), Turkey (Gaziantep), Djibouti, Kuwait, Russia (Crimea), Serbia.
Population: 267 million
- The Imperial Union:
Biggest city: Kathmandu
Countries: Iceland, Oman, Papua New Guinea, Trinidad and Tobago, Canada (British Columbia), United States (Puerto Rico), China (Tibet), Nepal, Slovakia, Luxembourg, Andorra.
Population: 58 million
- The Macedonian Empire:
Biggest city: Moscow
Countries: Greece, North Macedonia, Bulgaria, Albania, Georgia, Kosovo, Romania, Moldova, Russia (European part except for Crimea), Montenegro, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Slovenia, Turkey, Ukraine, Belarus, Israel (Jerusalem), Egypt, Syria,
Serbia, Estonia, Netherlands.
Population: 437 million
- The Palapyan/Botswanan Empire:
Biggest City: Kinshasa
Countries included: Botswana, Namibia, Zambia, Malawi, Congo, D.R. Congo, Gabon, Zimbabwe,
Mozambique, Eswatini, Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda, Barbados, Lesotho, Cameroon, Equatorial Guinea, Central African Republic, South Sudan, Ethiopia, Eritrea, Sudan, Togo, Burkina Faso, Mali, Belgium, Netherlands, Switzerland, Austria, Hungary, Czech Republic, New Zealand (South Island), France (Antarctica), Ghana, United Arab Emirates, Free State of Hudson Bay.
Leader: The QuizzerBros
Population: 590 million
- The Vampire Empire:
Biggest city: Ho Chi Minh City
Countries: Taiwan, United States (overseas territories and Virginia), Vietnam, Vanuatu, Venezuela (except Maracaibo), Vatican City, Spain (Valencia), Lithuania, Malta, Russia (Vladivostok), Canada (Vancouver), Mexico (Veracruz), Burundi.
Population: 183 million
Biggest city: Luanda
Countries: Canada (Newfoundland, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba), Denmark (Greenland), Angola, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Cuba, Haiti, Dominican Republic, Jamaica, Belize, United States (Wisconsin), Suriname, Paraguay, Germany, Poland, Russia (Kaliningrad), Free State of Hudson Bay.
Population: 265 million
Capital: San Francisco
Biggest city: Mexico City
Countries: United States (California except for Santa Barbara), Mexico (except for Veracruz), Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Colombia, Ecuador (Except Galapagos Islands), Peru, Chile (besides Southern part), Venezuela (Maracaibo), Sao Tome and Principe, North Korea, South Korea, Nigeria (south east coast)
Population: 446 million
National food: Dhokla, Dabeli, Burritos and Tacos
- Republic of Carolina:
Biggest city: Hamilton
United States (Carolinas), United Kingdom (Bermuda)
Population: 63 thousand
- The Empire's Empire:
Biggest city: Anchorage
Countries: United States (Alaska), Russia (Siberia), Somalia, Free State of Hudson Bay.
Population: 64 million
- British Isles Empire:
Biggest city: London
Countries: United Kingdom, Ireland, Iceland, Russia (Severny Island), Canada (Baffin Island).
Population: 72 million
Vassals: Duchy of Wyvernia (Leader: NiobiumVoid)
- Med-Atlantic Empire:
Biggest city: Milan
Countries: Algeria, Morocco, Mauritania, Senegal, Gambia, Guinea, Guinea Bissau, Sierra Leone, Liberia, Cape Verde, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, Cyprus, France, Portugal, Guyana, Grenada, Ivory Coast, Benin, Italy (except for Elba), Spain (Balearic Islands), United States (Carolinas), Free State of Hudson Bay.
Population: 412 million
- Imperium Sanctus:
Biggest city: Guangzhou
Countries: China (minus southern Tibet), Mongolia, Russia (around Lake Baikal)
Population: 1.402 billion
- Veggie Caliphate:
Biggest city: Lagos
Countries: Nigeria (except south east coast), Armenia, Niger,
Greece (Crete), Iraq, Syria, Chad, Eritrea, Central African Republic, South Sudan, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Lebanon, Jordan, Israel (besides Jerusalem), Equatorial Guinea, Ecuador (Galapagos Archipelago), United States (Santa Barbara), Bahrain.
Population: 359 million
Vassals: Apostolic Armenian Empire (Leader: YakosaysBOT5WANA) Viniga Sultanate: Capital: Jerusalem Biggest City: Cairo Countries: Israel, Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Yemen Leader: Sultan Viniga Population: 0 million National Food: Salt and Vinegar Chips Second German Empire: Capital: Berlin Biggest City: The Ruhr, Cologne/Dusseldorf or Berlin Countries: Germany, Russia (Kaliningrad), Poland, Latvia Leader: Felix1958 Population: 124 million
Middle Earth Empire:
Biggest City: Unknown
Korean Empire: Capital: Seoul Biggest City: Seoul Countries: North Korea, South Korea, Estonia, Latvia, Ghana, Austria, Poland, Bahamas, Antigua and Barbuda, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Saint Lucia, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Grenada, Dominica, Barbados, Italy (except for Elba). Leader: Tigerheart1919 Population: 0 million Apostolic Armenian Empire: Capital: Yerevan Biggest City: Tashkent Countries: Armenia, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Ecuador, Iraq, Syria, Serbia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Equatorial Guinea, Namibia, Bhutan, Bolivia. Leader: YakosaysBOT5WANA Population: 0 million National Food: Raspberry tarts with rose oil
Capital: Half Tree Hollow
Biggest city: Portoferraio
Countries: United Kingdom (Saint Helena), Italy (Elba), Free State of Hudson Bay.
Leader: Napoleon Bonaparte
Population: 25 million
Biggest city: Tímår¬
Countries: Make believe islands in the Pacific
Leader: Almighty Dhruv
Population: 11 million