Return of the JetPunk Empires: Episode III

We start today's episode in Middle Earth, where Nazgul, the Duke Of Arrakis, arrives from the world of Dune. He looks around and, deciding Middle Earth would be a nice place to rule, he sets about raising an army to conquer it. Ducklingpanda hears about the Duke's conquests and goes out from his castle to meet him in battle.

In the Shire, baptistegorce decides he ought to rule the town himself. Ducklingpanda might have be the Supreme Leader of Middle Earth, but his castle was far away across the land and he was busy fighting the Duke. The inhabitants of the Shire build a wall around the town for protection, and Baptiste begins his reign over the Shire in peace.

Except, now it isn't called the Shire anymore, since Baptiste's first ruling was to rename his new country to The Final Imperial Consortium of Hobbits and Uruks, FICHU for short.

baptistegorce: I wonder, if Ducklingpanda and his army are out fighting the Duke, who is guarding the castle? Perhaps I could take it over myself.

Baptiste puts out recruiting posters across the lands under FICHU's domination and begins to raise his own army.

Back in the regular world, Gekko and his soldier buddies have taken over Pennsylvania and New Jersey and added them to their empire. They are preparing to take New York when they get a phonecall from the Pentagon High Command.

High Command: How long are you going to take conquering these states? We're getting bored over here.

Gekko: It'll take as long as it takes! Rome wasn't sacked in a day, and New York won't be either.

High Command: Well, maybe send some spare troops to conquer easy places while you deal with this one.

Gekko hangs up the phone and sends a bunch of his soldiers to take Connecticut and Rhode Island by sea. Meanwhile, he and the rest of the soldiers descend on New York City and Albany simultaneously and proclaim their sovereignty.

The Random Bystanders arrive in Gazantiep with thegoatisgoaty to take it over. RB3's phone rings.

RB3: Hello, you've reached RB3!

Texan Leader: Howdy! I'm one of the Texan Leaders. We met back at the Final Battle in the Jungle, when I was part of the Pacific Empire's army. I need a hand with something.

RB3: I remember you. What do you need? I'm trying to conquer a city right now, so make it quick.

Texan Leader: Whatever happened to that resurrection machine that they used on Alexander the Great?

RB3: Oh, that. We still have it, locked away in the lab. Why?

Texan Leader: I was just wondering if you guys were going to keep using it, after that disaster with Alexander the Great.

RB3: No way!

Texan Leader: OK, then you wouldn't miss it if I stole it then..I mean, uh, nice talking to you. Good luck on your conquest of that city!

Noivern is sitting in his office at the Amazon mega shipping center when Jeff Bezos walks in.

Jeff: you're doing brilliantly, Noivern. Profits are up 3000%! I'm going to take a few hundred billion dollars and retire on my personal resort island, and leave Amazon to you! Keep making money though or I'll come and take it back.

Noivern: wow, this is incredible! You can count on me.

Noivern decides to create a second massive base in Nepal to be his Eurasian shipping center. He also decides to buy FedEx & DHL and make a worldwide Amazon courier service. When Emperor Aficionado expresses some concern at Amazon's takeovers, Noivern declares that the new Amazon Shipping Empire will be sanctioning the GIE.

Next, Noivern decides to arm a small military in case of attack on his empire.

Empress Astana asks thread to give California to join her empire. Thread adamantly refuses. It's not Chilefornia if there's no California! Astana marks California as a claimed territory on her map anyway.

Astana: Maybe I can get it later. For now I'll focus on upgrading my current empire.

She goes to Nebraska and builds a giant water reservoir and water treatment plant as safety against drought.

The Random Bystanders arrive at the secret lab in Athens.

RB3: My conversation with that Texan Leader made me think that this resurrection machine should be kept somewhere more secure than the old lab. It's dangerous!

RB1: True, we wouldn't want anyone to break in and try to use it.

FreeStater: Hey, you guys can store it in my Valuables Vault here in Svalbard.

RB4: I thought Svalbard only had a seed vault?

FreeStater: I recently expanded the vault to include a massive Fort Knox style valuables protection centre. It's made of titanium, one hundred metres underground, in permafrost, with only one way in or out, heavily guarded 24/7.

RB3: That sounds perfect. We'll send the machine to you. Please don't use it, though.

RB2: Let's grab a giant military aircraft and fly it straight there!

thegoatisgoaty: Actually you can't. I'm using all available aircraft to move troops into Oman. I'm trying to take it over, but the people there are firmly resisting. Send it through those new Amazon couriers or something.

The RBs bundle the machine in bubblewrap and put it in a giant cardboard box, ready for Noivern's new courier service to ship it to Svalbard.

Geopro is reading the news reports from around the world about the new empires that have been forming. He calls the other emperors on a group video call.

Geopro: That was a disaster! Did any of you manage to keep administrating and land without having it taken over by opportunistic empire-builders?

A few of the emperors nod or use the raise-hand emoji reaction.

Geopro: well, looking at the current circumstances, the best thing for us to do right now would be..

MKF: ..a land-grab! Let's go!

Geopro: Took the words right out of my mouth, mate.

cathlete: Someone will end up ruling this unclaimed land, and it may as well be one of us. See you guys later.

The emperors quickly sign off the call and begin making plans to get their armies to the unclaimed land as quickly as they can.

ColinShadow immediately dons his general's hat and mobilizes his army. He quickly absorbs nearby Japan into the empire, using troops already stationed there. Then, he splits his army into sections and sends them across the world.

Some of the military fly across the Pacific Ocean at top speed, trying to reach the unclaimed land in North America before anyone else can get there. They land in Michigan, moving quickly to take over the whole state, before moving on to Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio, while others land on Hispaniola and quickly take over the peaceful Dominican Republic and the wild ganglands of Haiti. Thread and the Chilefornian Navy show up and try to take the island for themselves, but they don't want to get into a war with the Koreans yet.

Thread: uh, I guess we'll just sit our fleet over here then. Maybe I can negotiate for the island.

Some troops arrive in Europe to secure Poland and Lithuania, making a stop to take over Iceland along the way. J3n arrives a moment later, ready to take over the island, but it's too late.

J3n: Aw man.

Other Korean soldiers slip through the Strait of Gibraltar on a boat and reach Malta before the Med-Atlantic troops can get there.

turnbacktwo: Quick! Malta's untaken! Let's get that......no wait, the Koreans got there first. How on earth are they so fast?? Well, nobody's got Florida yet. Let's take over that instead.

The unclaimed island states of the Pacific Ocean decide to band together and form their own nation before someone invaded them. Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, Nauru, Palau, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Samoa, Tonga, Tuvalu, Fiji and Vanuatu unite and elect Fifi567 as President of the United States of Oceania.

President Fifi travels to Micronesia to attempt to ask them to join the USO, but he finds Korean troops there instead. Fifi still wants Micronesia as part of his country, but he decides to discuss that with Colin later. Climate change is threatening to flood the new country out of existence, so, even though it is wildly expensive, Fifi signs in legislation permitting the construction of sea walls around the main islands, with walls for the smaller islands to follow.

Capybarra opposes the USO's decision to build a seawall around the whole island, because of the impact it would have on the coastal nature. They find people on the island who also dislike the seawall, and together, they take over Fiji and declare it independent from the USO, with Capybarra as emperor.

Fifi567: What?? The USO has been independent for a day and already you're seceding?!

Capybarra: No hard feelings, Fifi. Pacific Empires have to stick together!

Fifi567: Ironic, considering the former Pacific Empire broke up.

Capybarra: I just think that there are better ways to fight climate change than seawalls.

Capy then goes on a whirlwind tour of unclaimed land, finding people who agree with his sentiments in England, New Zealand, Wales, & Jamaica, and forming them into his own empire. He then quickly raises an army and commandeers some aircraft to fly them around in.

Capybarra: I'll call it the Greater Fijian Empire! Next on my list of places to add to the GFE is Cuba, Jamaica, and Florida. I'm off!

Emporer turnbacktwo is looking at his map, frantically trying to direct his troops to the unclaimed land before anyone else can take it over.

turnbacktwo: Quick! To Andorra!

The troops hurry to Andorra and close off the passes just in time to stop a horde of Blaze Empire soldiers coming up the Spanish side of the mountains.

MKF: Ah shoot. I was hoping to get the skifields for myself. Can I at least come in for skiing?

turnbacktwo: Yess finally! I beat another empire to unclaimed land!! Sorry, what was that? Skiing? Sure, go ahead. Now, where to conquer next?

turnbacktwo checks his map.

turnbacktwo: Looks like Cuba, Argentina, & Florida are my best bet. Come on, troops! To Florida!

Polandball6 and one of his friends are exploring an Ancient Celtic archeological site in northern Scotland.

Polandball6: Isn't this awesome? The Celts seem pretty advanced for their time.

Friend: They certainly were. Too bad they didn't spread out more, or have a centralized government. They could have ruled much more land than they did.

Polandball6: I know! Let's start an empire in honour of the Celts, made up of some of that unclaimed land they're all talking about.

Friend: But how? We don't have an army. We don't even have money for airfares!

Polandball6: We'll use the power of social media to find other history lovers around the world!

They make accounts on every major social media platform and begin to spread the word. Before long, #CelticEmpire is trending everywhere, and the new Emperor Polandball6 proclaims Scotland, Ireland, Germany, the Philippines, Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, North Carolina, and South Carolina to be under the rule of the Southern Celtic Colonial Empire. He asks all the history lovers in those areas to form up standing militias and send government representatives to meet together in Ireland.

The QBs and their Alpha Division fly into Kaliningrad in their stealth aircraft and quickly set up a perimeter.

QB1: Yes, we made it!
QB2: I've always liked Kaliningrad.

QB3: I think we should take over Florida. Let's take the Alpha Division there and leave the conventional army to hold this place.

QB1: Excellent plan. Move out, troops!

The QBs and the Alpha Division start stealthily jetting towards Florida.

QB2: Wait a minute! There aren't 3 QBs!! Who on earth was that?!

QB1: I don't know. Quickly, send some of our top agents to find them. We should keep going.

QB2: But that imposter wants us to go to Florida.

QB1: Yeah, but so do I. They have beaches and resorts there, it would make a nice holiday place. To Florida!

Nickelz realizes that he needs to expand his empire.

Nickelz: Hey, ItzIngenious! Can I have the Galapagos Islands again?

ItzIngenious: All yours, I’m not exactly fond of my memories of that place.

The emperors quickly finalize the paperwork to turn the Galapagos Islands over to Armenian control. Next, ItzIngenious hurries back to the Veggie Army in Arabia, while Nickelz and his soldiers invade Denmark by air and sea, with some assistance from the Svalbardian Navy. However, while they are away, there is a massive explosion at the AAE's nuclear facility in Nakhchivan.

Nickelz: Oh no! Get me back there, fast. I know what I have to do.

Once back in Armenia, Nickelz gathers the best news crew he can find, dons a protective and goes to the site of the disaster. The newscast begins. In the background, you can see what is left of the badly damaged reactor, along with burning houses and even what appears to be human bodies. Nickelz describes the disaster on air and pleads with the other nations to send aid money to help relieve the disaster.

"Okay everyone, it's once again Dollyfroggy reporting for Global News. I didn't think they'd want me back here, but turns out I'm the best reporter they ever had, so they happily recalled me from my rumor-spreading job to run this place again. Anyways, onto the news.

Even more new empires have formed in the space of only a couple of days! The AAE has had a nuclear meltdown disaster and desperately needs aid money. The anarchy administration quite predictably failed, resulting in a land rush with many of the empires. The world's armies are all descending on Florida, right in time for Christmas. What will happen? Who is the imposter QB? And we still don't know what the Texan Leaders are planning! Stick around to find out more in the future. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Empire List

- The Great Southern Empire:

Capital: Hobart

Biggest city: Jakarta

Countries: Australia, New Zealand (Wellington, South Island and Pavlova), Indonesia, East Timor, United States (Hawaii), Malaysia (Borneo), Brunei, Singapore, France (New Caledonia), South Africa, Tanzania, Azerbaijan, Lunar Palace, Mozambique, Eswatini, Lesotho, Madagascar, Namibia (southern part)

Leader: Emperor Geopro

Population: 453 million

Alliance: None

- The Blaze Empire:

Capital: Tehran

Biggest city: Tehran

Countries included: Iran, Afghanistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan, Monaco, Spain, United Kingdom (Gibraltar), Syria (Latakia port under lease), Iraq, New Zealand (Antarctica), Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan (western 67%), half of the moon, Qatar, Kuwait

Leader: His Imperial Awesomeness, Solomon Blaze III (MKF)

Population: 274 million

Alliance: Pentente

- Greater Indian Empire:

Capital: New Delhi

Biggest city: Delhi

Countries: India (except Varanasi), Pakistan, Bangladesh, Myanmar, Thailand, Cambodia, Laos, Sri Lanka, Maldives, Comoros, Mauritius, France (Mayotte and Reunion), United Kingdom (BIOT), Madagascar, Norway (Antarctica), Mozambique, half of the moon, Bhutan, Kazakhstan (eastern 33%), Seychelles, Azerbaijan, Vietnam, Malaysia (mainland), China (Hainan), Canada (northern Ontario)

Leader: Emperor Aficionado

Population: 2.071 billion

Alliance: Pentente

- The Macedonian Empire:

Capital: Athens

Biggest city: Moscow

Countries: Greece, North Macedonia, Bulgaria, Albania, Georgia, Kosovo, Romania, Moldova, Russia (European part except for Crimea and Volgograd), Montenegro, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Slovenia, Turkey, Ukraine (except Vinnytsia), Belarus, Israel (Jerusalem), Egypt, Syria, Serbia, Estonia, Netherlands (free use of ports), Hungary (eastern half), Lithuania (eastern half except for Vilnius), Azerbaijan (northern part), Canada (northern Quebec), Gazantiep City, Oman.

Leader: thegoatisgoaty

Population: 421 million

Alliance: Pentente

- The Palapyan/Botswanan Empire:

Capital: Palapye/Gaborone

Biggest City: Kinshasa

Countries included: Botswana, Namibia (northern part), Zambia, Malawi, Congo, D.R. Congo (all except for a small bit north of Angola), Gabon, Zimbabwe, Mozambique, Eswatini, Tanzania, Kenya, Uganda, Rwanda, Barbados, Lesotho, Cameroon, Equatorial Guinea, Central African Republic, South Sudan, Ethiopia, Eritrea, Sudan, Togo, Burkina Faso, Mali, Belgium, Netherlands, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Austria, Hungary (western half), Czech Republic, New Zealand (South Island), France (Antarctica), Ghana, United Arab Emirates, Azerbaijan (Baku), Singapore, Israel, Sierra Leone, Guinea, Guinea-Bissau, Gambia, Senegal, Angola (Cabinda exclave), Canada (sliver of Ontario), Kaliningrad

Leader: The QuizzerBros

Population: 637 million

Alliance: Pentente

- Chilefornia:

Capital: San Francisco

Biggest city: Mexico City

Countries: United States (California except for Santa Barbara), Mexico (except for Veracruz), Guatemala, Honduras, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, Panama, Colombia, Ecuador (Except Galapagos Islands), Peru, Chile, Venezuela (Maracaibo), Sao Tome and Principe, Nigeria (south east coast).

Leader: thread

Population: 373 million

National food: Dhokla, Dabeli, Burritos and Tacos

Alliance: None

- The Empire's Empire:

Capital: Juneau

Biggest city: Mogadishu

Countries: United States (Alaska), Russia (Siberia except for some parts around Lake Baikal), Somalia, Djibouti, Canada (Yukon).

Leader: JetPunker180

Population: 46 million

Alliance: None

- Med-Atlantic Empire:

Capital: Tangier

Biggest city: Milan

Countries: Algeria, Morocco, Mauritania, Senegal, Gambia, Guinea, Guinea Bissau, Sierra Leone, Liberia, Cape Verde, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, Cyprus, Metropolitan France, Portugal, Guyana, Grenada, Ivory Coast, Benin, Italy (except for Elba), Spain (Balearic Islands), United States (Carolinas), United Kingdom (Bermuda), Monaco, Suriname, Switzerland, Liechtenstein, Canada (central Quebec), Andorra.

Leader: turnbacktwo

Population: 288 million

Alliance: IL

- Imperium Sanctus:

Capital: Beijing

Biggest city: Guangzhou

Countries: China (minus Hainan), Mongolia, Russia (around Lake Baikal)

Leader: cathlete

Population: 1.4 billion

Alliance: IL

- Veggie Caliphate:

Capital: Abuja

Biggest city: Lagos

Countries: Nigeria (except south east coast), Armenia, Niger, Greece (Crete), Iraq, Syria, Chad, Eritrea, Central African Republic, South Sudan, Sudan, Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Lebanon, Jordan, Israel (besides Jerusalem), Equatorial Guinea, Ecuador (Galapagos Archipelago), United States (Santa Barbara), Bahrain, Cameroon, Benin, Burundi, Egypt (southern half), Canada (western Ontario), Ivory Coast, Burkina Faso.

Leader: ItzIngenious

Population: 449 million

Alliance: Pentente

- Middle Earth Empire:

Capital: Unknown

Biggest City: Unknown

Countries: Unknown

Leader: ducklingpanda1245

Population: Unknown

At war with: Unknown

Alliance: Unknown

-FICHU

Capital: The Shire

Biggest City: The Shire

Countries: unknown

Leader: baptistegorce

At war with: Unknown

Alliance: unknown

-The Duke's Dominion

Capital: unknown

Biggest City: unknown

Countries: unknown

Leader: DukeofArrakis

At war with: Middle Earth Empire

Alliance: unknown

-Korean Empire:

Capital: Seoul

Biggest City: Seoul

Countries: North Korea, South Korea, United States (Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, Ohio), Haiti, Dominican Republic, Japan, Poland, Lithuania, Iceland, Malta, F.S. Micronesia.

Leader: ColinShadow

Population: 78 million

Alliance: None

- Apostolic Armenian Empire:

Capital: Yerevan

Biggest City: Yerevan

Countries: Armenia, Azerbaijan (southern part), Serbia, Denmark.

Leader: Nickelz

Population: 15 million

Alliance: Pentente

National Food: Raspberry tarts with rose oil

- Grande Empire:

Capital: Half Tree Hollow

Biggest city: Sarajevo

Countries: United Kingdom (Saint Helena), Italy (Elba), Bosnia and Herzegovina, Croatia, Slovenia.

Leader: Napoleon Bonaparte

Population: 11 million

Alliance: None

- Sawiwi:

Capital: Tímår¬

Biggest city: Tímår¬

Countries: Make believe islands in the Pacific

Leader: Almighty Dhruv / Ethaboo

Population: 11 million

Alliance: None

- Svalbard:

Capital: New Baltimore

Biggest city: Monrovia

Countries: Norway (Svalbard archipelago), Canada (Nunavut and Northwest Territories), Liberia.

Leader: FreeStater

Population: 5 million

Alliance: None

- People's Republic of Yemen:

Capital: Sana'a

Biggest city: Sana'a

Countries: Yemen, Eritrea

Leader: Ashan

Population: 38 million

Alliance: IL

-Scandinavia United:

Capital: Ümea

Bggest City: Stockholm

Countries: Sweden, Finland, Norway

Leader: J3n

Population: 21 million

Alliance: None

-Amazon Shipping Empire

Capital: Paramaribo

Biggest City: Caracas

Countries: Venezuela, Guyana, Suriname, French Guiana, Brazil (northern part), Nepal

Leader: Noivern

Population: 31 million

Alliance : None

-Greater New England:

Capital: Washington D.C.

Biggest City: Washington D.C.

Countries: United States (Maryland, Delaware, Connecticut, New York, Rhode Island)

Leader: Gekko0923

Population: 7.8 million

Alliance: None

-Cascadian Bear Empire:

Capital: Cascadia City

Biggest City: Denver

Countries: United States (Washington, Oregon, Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, Utah, Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas), Canada (British Columbia)

Leader: Astana

Population: 41 million

Alliance: none

-United States of Oceania

Capital: Port Moresby

Biggest City: Port Moresby

Countries: Kiribati, Marshall Islands, Nauru, Palau, Papua New Guinea, Solomon Islands, Samoa, Tonga, Tuvalu, Vanuatu

Leader: Fifi567

Population: 11 million

Alliance: none

-Southern Celtic Colonial

Capital: Dublin

Biggest City: Manila

Countries: Southern Louisiana, Mississippi, UK (Scotland), Ireland, Kentucky, North Carolina, South Carolina, Philippines, Germany

Leader: Polandball6

Population: 190 million

Alliance: none

-Greater Fijian Empire

Capital: Suva

Biggest City: London

Countries: Fiji, UK (England, Wales), Jamaica, New Zealand

Leader: Capybarra

Population: 60 million

Alliance: none

That's it for Episode III and for 2024! I'll be back with more blogs in the New Year.

If you are an emperor, here are a few actions to consider.

1. Form an alliance. Do you have shared goals with another empire? Maybe you want to trade resources. Or perhaps you want to be friends with someone you border. No matter what, it's a good idea to form alliances with a few empires.

2. Join a coalition. There are already two major coalitions, the Infinity League and the Greater Pentete. Consider applying for a coalition membership, or create a new one. Warning: to form a coalition, you must have at least four members.

3. Trade territories. This is especially good for empires who don't have much contiguous territory. See if you can trade some parts of your land with people who hold areas that you want.

4. Cut a deal. Even if you don't make an alliance, it can be good to make one-off deals with other nations. It doesn't really matter what the deal is, just that you can make it and have it accepted. Remember, if it's too crazy, other emperors are less likely to accept it.

If there is anything else you want, just leave it in the comment section! Thanks for reading!