If Countries Were High Schoolers | Chapter 5 - Christmas Special

By Nickelz and ItzIngenious.

This is my first collaboration with one of my good friends, ItzIngenious! Please go subscribe.

CHARACTER PROFILES

If you want to be a student, just comment under either this blog or the linked blog, and give a brief description of your character.

Students featured:

Argentina ♂

Arizona ♂

Connecticut ♂

Florida ♂

Hawaii ♀

Kingsfisher ♂

Louisiana ♂

Maine ♀

Nauru ♂

Philippines ♀

Saudi Arabia ♂

United States ♂

Connecticut, as usual, walked over to the school morning news podium and adjusted the microphones' positions in preparation for the announcements.

He picked up the itinerary to read over it with the other members of the student council, Hawaii and Maine.

^{(all correspondents are randomly generated ⇩)}

"So the main correspondents are... PARAGUAY? AGAIN? Let's... change that real quick..." Hawaii vigorously nodded in agreement. "

"Why do we keep selecting Paraguay for the announcements?" Connecticut shook his head.

"Literally anyone else would be better." Maine chimed in.

Main Correspondents: Florida ♂ and Nauru ♂

Sports: Philippines ♀

Weather: Kingsfisher ♂

Quote of the Day: Saudi Arabia ♂ and United States ♂

Joke of the Day: Louisiana ♂ and Arizona ♂

*

"Today am *mmrgh* 13 *chomp* December, 2024, and you am *mmm* watch te *crunch* United Nation Morning News. Am *mmf* Nauru..." Nauru uttered between bites of his seventeeth burger of the day.

"And I'm... who am I again?" Florida asked.

"We aren't doing this today. Read. The. Damn. Teleprompter." Hawaii demanded.

"Ok, I'll read the tele-pumpkin." Florida shrugged.

-

Sports

"Hello, am Philippine and here es the sport. The Chilefornia Chimps won again en the rematch against our team of handegg."

"Now to Kingsfisher for weather!"

- 

Weather

"Hello, am Kingsfisher, and am bring yuo the weather. Today is many rain with many cloud, and will be many snowy for rest of break. Makings sure to wearing yuor jacket!

"Now, let's going to United State and Saudi Arab for quote of day!"

-

Quote of the Day

"Hello, I am United States, only the most popular student at this school." A smug smirk crept onto his face.

"And ana am as-Suʿūdiyya, and we am here with al-quote of day." Saudi Arabia chimed in.

"Oh, let me guess, allahu akbar?" United States laughed.

"Oh, that's not...?" Hawaii muttered.

"That's actually racist as hell. Like not even kidding. If you do that again, we're going to kick you off this show." Maine snapped.

"Oh, whatever. You saw what happened in New Orleans. Those people need to go back where they came from." United States shrugged.

"But he's not even an immigrant- that's besides the point. One more xenophobic outburst and you're kicked off." Hawaii demanded.

"Fine, fine." United States folded his arms.

"al-Quote is: Iran sucks."

"Wow, short and sweet." Connecticut deadpanned. "Anyway, um... to Arizona and Louisiana."

-

Joke of the Day

"Time for you to tell us a joke, Louisiana and Arizona." Hawaii chuckled.

"Louisiana, what es el joke?" Arizona asked.

"Here's one. Why do people in Syria love puzzles?" Louisiana asked.

"No sé, how does he?" Arizona replied.

"Because they're used to having to piece together their broken livelihoods!" Louisiana laughed, hoping somebody would laugh with him.

Connecticut, Hawaii, and Maine exchanged awkward glances with Arizona.

"Oh, that's not..." Hawaii murmured.

"Anyways! Back to Florida and Na- NAURU! STOP TRYING TO EAT THE TELEPROMPTER! You know what, never (censored) mind. (censored) this show! Cut!" Connecticut screamed, breaking his clipboard in half and throwing the pieces at Nauru, who swiftly ate them.

Students in Mrs. Zucchini's home economics class:

California ♀

Florida ♂

Georgia ♂

Indiana ♂

Maine ♀

Mexico ♀

Monaco ♂

New York ♂

North Carolina ♂

North Korea ♂

Pennsylvania ♂

toowise ♂

"Hello, class, and welcome to Home Economics 101! I have a jam-packed class for you today, albeit a delicious one," Mrs. Zucchini began.

A plethora of colorful cabinets lined the walls, decorated with magnets and photos from past projects. In the center, a spacious island was surrounded by sturdy stools.

The ovens dominated one side of the room, with their gleaming stainless steel. Each one was equipped with multiple racks. The digital dials blinked, and above them, ventilation hoods hummed softly.

Countertops held a patchwork of neatly organized measuring cups, mixing bowls, and various utensils; pegboards above held essential tools.

"Before we start, you guys will all need to be partnered up."

Indiana immediately began walking to North Carolina. Meanwhile, toowise sort of drifted around, peering at who was taken and who wasn't.

Pennsylvania, however, was busy eating his 14^th barbecue sandwich of the day, so he was not paying attention.

"Yo guess yo will am workings with tú," Mexico groaned as she shuffled to stand next to a brooding North Korea.

"Alright, guys, you're taking too long," Mrs. Zucchini interjected. "I will finish selecting the partners. Indiana, go stand with California."

"Ugh." California grumbled, as Indiana is not a fan of... deodorant.

"toowise, you will be partners with Pennsylvania."

"Oh, ok!" toowise seemed quite excited. He stood next to a very ravenous Pennsylvania.

"Georgia, you will partner with Monaco. And that means Maine, you are with Florida, and North Carolina, you are partnered with New York." Mrs. Zucchini demanded.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" New York bellowed. Everyone rotated to stare at him, and he almost burst into tears on the spot.

"...Ignoring that outburst! Since you're partnered up, I thought that we would start with a relatively easy recipe to master that I put next to your bowls... banana bread." 

Banana bread. So many carbs. California thought to herself.

"All you will need is eggs, flour, bananas, butter, baking soda, and brown sugar. You will all have 20 minutes to complete it, and if you have any questions, let me know." Mrs. Zucchini finished.

...

"I need three-quarters cup of brown sugar, and half a cup of butter." Maine demanded.

"How do I measure half a cup?" Florida asked.

"You have to melt the butter." Maine replied irritably.

"Oh, ok." Florida walked to the microwave, tossed in the stick of butter, and microwaved it for 10:00.

...

"I need one teaspoon of baking soda, and two bananas. Wait, where's the other...?" New York looked around for the extra banana.

Meanwhile, North Carolina was smoking a cigarette and peeling the banana, about to eat it.

"NORTH CAROLINA!" Mrs. Zucchini yelled. "You cannot smoke in here!"

"Fine." North Carolina rolled his eyes and removed the cigarette from his mouth, throwing it in the waste receptacle.

As soon as Mrs. Zucchini turned back around, he lit another cigarette and inserted it into his mouth, accidentally dropping the peeled banana on the ground.

"Great, now we only have one banana for our bread." New York began twitching uncontrollably.

...

The microwave began making static noises and steaming and popping. Florida looked puzzled (as usual).

"Um... Maine, I think something is wrong." Florida pointed to the malfunctioning microwave.

"Oh my god... did you forget to take off the METAL wrapper?" Maine smacked her forehead.

"Ohhhh..." Florida tepidly opened the microwave, and removed the softened butter, oozing a bit out of the slightly charred metal wrapper.

...

Georgia shook the banana vigorously until it fell from its peel into the mixing bowl. He then began mashing it.

"Géorgie, je no understanding pourquoi anyone would wanting to lèarning to cook when tu could just hire une chef." Monaco complained as he awkwardly picked up the bag of flour. "How people zat non are rich survive?"

...

"I need two eggs, beaten." Maine explained.

"Ok!" Florida then picked up two eggs, punched them repeatedly and splattered their contents everywhere, and then offered them to Maine. "Here you go!"

Can I get a new partner? Maine thought to herself.

...

"I don't know what to do, this is just not thickening." toowise complained as he frantically tried to combine the batter (meanwhile, Pennsylvania attempted to eat the batter).

Suddenly, he saw North Korea extract something from his pocket.

"HEY!" toowise pointed accusingly at him. "THEY'RE CHEATING! HE'S USING MILK!"

Mexico looked embarrassed.

"Na am better than yuo, so na am use." North Korea shrugged and dumped the milk into the batter.

...

"Can you just hurry up and open the flour?" Maine grumbled impatiently.

Suddenly, the bag flew open, and Florida was covered in flour.

"Hahahahahaha." California laughed in a monotone voice, pointing at Florida while recording.

"Hey! That's mean." toowise frowned.

"I don't care, loser." California rolled her eyes.

…

“Reminder that when everybody is done, I will be tasting all of them.  That will be your grade for this assignment,” Mr. Zucchini called.

“Na am over with this,” said North Korea, exiting the classroom.

“Young man!  Where do you think you are going?” Mr. Zucchini shouted after him.  North Korea was already gone though.

Mr. Zucchini sighed, then turned to Mexico.  “I’ll be your partner for the rest of class,” Mr. Zucchini told him.

“Oh my god, that is NOT fair,” California whined.

Just then, a loud siren started going off.  Mr. Zucchini cursed under his breath.  The siren continued to wail, and the situation only got worse when the sprinklers on the ceiling began going off, drenching the classroom.

“My phone!” California gasped, trying to shield her phone from the water.

“North Korea must have pulled the fire alarm,” said New York, amazed.

Suddenly, sparks began to fly out of the ovens that the banana breads were cooking in.  “Everybody, out of the classroom, NOW,” said Mr. Zucchini in a panicked voice.

In the hallway, sprinklers were going off as well.  Everybody’s hair and clothes were already drenched, and California was screaming about how her phone might be ruined.

"MY MAKEUP!" Wisconsin could be heard screaming from down the hall.

A minute later, North Korea regrouped with everybody else.

“Where have you been?” Mr. Zucchini demanded in an angry tone.

“Uh, toilet room?” said North Korea.

Eventually the fire sirens stopped, and the sprinklers were turned off.  Everybody spent the remainder of class drying off floors and desks.  The ovens and banana bread were beyond ruined.

“At least I won’t have to eat those abominations,” Mr. Zucchini muttered to himself.

"What was that?" California asked.

"Oh, nothing!" Mr. Zucchini sang with glee.

Students in Mr. Dimby's world history class:

Alabama ♂

Angola ♀

Bolivia ♀

California ♀

ColinShadow ♂

Colombia ♂

Cuba ♂

DR Congo ♂

France ♂

Georgia ♂

Latvia ♀

Libya ♀

McKenzieFam ♂

Mississippi ♂

Nevada ♂

Qatar ♂

Quebec ♀

Romania ♂

South Korea ♂

Spain ♂

Taiwan ♂

Turkey ♂

Zimbabwe ♀

The students sat scattered in their seats, some leaning forward, their notebooks open and pens poised, while others leaned back, tapping their pencils against their papers in thought.

"Alright, class, let's move on to page 91, shall we?" Mr. Dimby pushed his glasses up on his nose.

Suddenly, a frenetic California stumbled into the classroom.

"Sorry I'm late!" California exclaimed.

"That's the fourth time this week." Mr. Dimby shook his head.

"It won't happen again." California pleaded, coffee in hand.

"Empty promises don't impress me." Mr. Dimby marked something down on the attendance sheet.

France chuckled. "Ees zat why he's not márried?"

"Jajajajajaja." Spain laughed in response.

"Is there something you two would like to share with the class?" Mr. Dimby asked.

"Non, sorry." France bowed his head in apology.

Mr. Dimby focused his attention back to California. "Why the hell are you still standing, California? Just because you got third in Squid Game doesn't make you somebody."

"There's nowhere for me to sit." California pointed out.

"France, get her a chair." Mr. Dimby demanded.

"Why moi?" France asked.

"Because in the entire time that I've been teaching, you've been fooling around with Spain." Mr. Dimby explained.

"Eef I do, will vous giving moi extra credit?" France asked.

"...No." Mr. Dimby shook his head.

"Fine!" France flippantly exclaimed as he stormed over to the corner to get a chair for California to sit in.

"Do you want some coffee?" California asked Mr. Dimby as she held up her cup.

"No, thank you." Mr. Dimby replied.

"But it's pumpkin spice." California shook the cup vigorously.

"I find it ironic that in spite of your tardiness, you were able to find time for Starbucks." Mr. Dimby explained.

"But the coffee helps with my ADHD." California protested.

"Je found une chair." France slammed the chair on the ground and stomped back to his seat.

"Please have a seat now, California." Mr. Dimby demanded.

"Can I at least go to the bathroom first?" California asked.

"Hell no." Mr. Dimby turned around to move to the next PowerPoint slide.

"Fine." California pouted, and reluctantly slinked over to her seat.

...

At the end of class...

"So, to summarize, the Treaty of Versailles created a lot of resentment in Germany, which contributed to the rise of Hitler." Mr. Dimby continued.

"I am not sure that that is the whole story, though. It is much too simplistic to blame just the Treaty." McKenzieFam pointed out.

"Well, it is one of the key factors. You can’t ignore it." Mr. Dimby retorted.

"But is surely not just about that! You are making it seem like Germany was the only to blame. What about the other countries’ roles?" McKenzieFam asked.

"Of course, other countries played a part, but we need to focus on the primary causes first. You can’t rewrite history based on every single factor." Mr. Dimby replied.

"I am not trying to rewrite it! I am saying history is complicated and full of nuances that cannot be ignored to simply be politically correct!" McKenzieFam yelled, with increasing agitation.

"Maybe that's enough for now. Class dismissed." Mr. Dimby sighed.

Table 1: Albania, Kosovo, Croatia

Table 2: Czechia, Slovakia, Slovenia

Table 3: Greece, Serbia, Armenia, Cyprus, Iran

Table 4: France, Spain, Portugal, England

Table 5: Finland, Sweden, Norway, Iceland, Denmark

Table 6: Russia, Belarus, Mongolia, North Korea, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan

Table 7: Bolivia, Paraguay, Uganda

Table 8: United States, Canada, Israel, Ireland

Table 9: Mexico, Colombia, Chile, Peru, Ecuador

Table 10: Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland

Table 11: Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg

Table 12: Poland, Hungary

Table 13: Ukraine, Georgia, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania

Table 14: Nauru, Pennsylvania, Mauritania

Table 15: Nepal, Bhutan, India

Table 16: Montenegro, Serbia, Bosnia and Herzegovina

Table 17: Switzerland, Germany, Austria

Table 18: Malta, Libya, Algeria

Table 19: Nigeria, Ghana, Benin, Niger, Côte d'Ivoire

Table 20: Djibouti, Ethiopia, Yemen

Table 21: Egypt, UAE, Sudan

Table 22: Namibia, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Botswana

Table 23: Sierra Leone, Liberia, Guinea

Table 24: Kenya, Tanzania, Cheese, Rwanda

Table 25: Eritrea, China, Qatar, Oman

Table 26: Morocco, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Jordan, Syria, Pakistan, Bahrain, Palestine

Table 27: Turkey, Afghanistan, Azerbaijan, Iraq, Kazakhstan

Table 28: Brazil, Guyana, Angola, Venezuela, Honduras, Guatemala

Table 29: El Salvador, Nicaragua

Table 30: Cuba, Jamaica, Puerto Rico, Dominican Republic

Table 31: Australia, Lightning, New Zealand

Table 32: South Korea, Colin

Table 33: Taiwan, Japan, Indonesia, Vietnam, Fianchetto

Table 34: Maldives, California, Singapore, Sri Lanka

Table 35: Thailand, Malaysia, Philippines, Laos, Myanmar

Table 36: Romania, Bulgaria, Moldova

Table 37: Costa Rica, Panama

Table 38: Uruguay, Argentina, Italy

Table 39: Wisconsin, Alabama

Table 40: FreeStater (Qy), Kentucky, Texas, Georgia_US

Table 41: Wyoming, New Mexico

Table 42: Alaska, New Hampshire, Maine, Utah

Table 43: Connecticut, Monaco, Liechtenstein

Table 44: Ohio, Virginia, North Carolina, West Virginia

Table 45: Mississippi, Tennessee

Table 46: Nevada, Missouri, Hawaii

Table 47: Florida, Toowise, Astana

Table 48: New Jersey, New York

Table 49: Minnesota, Illinois

Table 50: Rhode Island, Vermont

Table 51: Washington, Oregon

Table 52: McKenzieFam (everyone is afraid to sit next to him)

Table 53: ItzIngenious, Quebec, Haiti

Table 54: Congo, DR Congo

_{Kingsfisher does not eat in the cafeteria.}

At table 28: Brazil, Guyana, Angola, Venezuela, Honduras, Guatemala

“Venezuela, yuo must see this vìdeo,” Brazil said, sliding her phone to Venezuela.  “I make marvilous volleybol save,” she said.

“Shut la boca,” Venezuela replied, sliding closer and closer to Guyana in an attempt to steal her food.

“Fine,” said Brazil sulkily.  “Then yuo no see me jump to save ball.”

Venezuela left Guyana alone to take the phone from Brazil.  His eyes were non-subtly moving up and down as he followed the video.

Next to Venezuela, Guyana was fiddling with her silverware.  “Too dull,” she muttered, running her finger along the edge of the knife.

Guatemala noticed Guyana’s strange actions.  She took the knife out of Guyana’s hands, and sat down next to the other girl.  “Yuo want to talk?” she asked kindly.

“No,” Guyana replied.

“We can go see India,” Guatemala laughed.  “Vamos, let’s go!”  Taking Guyana’s hand, Guatemala got up and led the other girl over to India’s table.

_____________________________

At table 48: New Jersey, New York

“Hey, New Jersey.  What’s up?” New York asked.

“Shut up, punk,” replied New Jersey, lighting a cigarette.

“What do you have for lunch?” asked New York.

“I said, shut up.”

At the table behind New Jersey, Florida sat down.

“Hey, loser,” New Jersey called at Florida.  “You should go somewhere else, you smell like a swamp.”

“That’s not very kind,” said Astana, taking a seat next to Florida.

“Do I care, nerd?” New Jersey retorted.

“Come on Florida, let’s go to the library or something,” said Astana.  Toowise, who was also at the table, moved to get up.

“No,” said Florida.

“Listen to Astana, you dweeb,” said New Jersey.  “Nobody wants to be with you.”

In response, Florida picked up his plate and flung it at New Jersey.  Beans and mystery meat splattered across the bully’s face and shirt, and the plate stuck to his forehead.

“Oh, (censored)!” New York cried.

“FOOD FIGHT!” screamed Minnesota at a nearby table.

______________________________________

At table 14: Nauru, Pennsylvania, Mauritania

Nauru tilted his backpack upside down over the table, spilling the contents.  Wrapped burgers, chocolate bars, and chips spill out.  “Enjoy,” said Nauru, already stuffing his face with a king-sized Snickers.

Mauritania and Pennsylvania both scrambled to grab as many sweets and burgers as they could before Nauru could eat them all.

“Mmph, this (censored) is good, Nauru.  Like yeah, you bring the entire Burger King menu to school everyday, but it’s really hitting the spot right now,” said Pennsylvania.

Nauru grabbed a KitKat bar.  “Is not…(swallows)… problem.”

Suddenly, somebody across the cafeteria screamed “FOOD FIGHT”.  Of course, all Nauru heard was the word “food”.  Nauru looked over to see where the commotion came from, just in time to witness New Jersey hurl New York’s lunch at Florida.

Soon enough, food began flying left and right, and almost everybody was out of their seat.

“Hey, lard boy.” Nauru looked to his right to see Russia standing there.  “Yuo givings мне some of that,” Russia demanded.

Russia reached over Nauru, collecting a handful of Whoppers, Big Macs, and a couple ketchup bottles.  He then ran off to join the fight.

“MY… mmph… FOOOOOOOD!” Nauru sobbed.

____________________

The food fight

Russia could be seen targeting all the nerds and smaller kids, although he ran out of Nauru’s ammo very fast.  After that he resorted to using his fists.

Ireland, cradling a dozen potatoes in his shirt, launched spud after spud after spud at England, although he rarely ever hit.

Hungary was spotted pouring a milkshake over Romania, and the other boy responded by punching him in the face.

The Balkans hurled Mediterranean cuisine at each other in one corner of the cafeteria, although it’s hard to tell who is on which side of the fight. Serbia slapped Croatia with her tray before being tackled by Kosovo and Albania.

Iceland, sitting alone at his bench, sold shark meat weapons to anybody who would pay him.

Dominican Republic threw a dumpling at Haiti, but backed off when Haiti pulled out a blade.

Mexico threw a burrito at United States, but United States took it the wrong way.  United States ate the burrito, and ran over to Mexico to thank him for the delicacy.

Nicaragua attempted to stab Vatican City with a fork, but found himself stopped by some unseen force.

Palestine hit Israel in the mouth, so Israel took off his jacket and began strangling Palestine with it until he turned purple in the face.

New Jersey, after hitting Florida with New York’s lunch, moved on to slap toowise and Astana repeatedly with a slice of pizza.

Virginia slapped Maryland with a chicken wing from Wyoming's plate.

Egypt slapped Ethiopia with a hunk of camel meat. Sudan jumps in on Ethiopia’s side, and has a good laugh about it later with Egypt.

A group of Muslim students jumped Sweden, and covered him completely with hummus.

Azerbaijan attempted to fight Armenia, but Turkey got to Armenia first and tried to gouge his eyes out with a kebab.

South Korea convinced ColinShadow to help him attack his twin brother North Korea with a bowl of rice and chopsticks.

India threw a tray of tikka masala at Pakistan, who slapped him with two chapati.

ItzIngenious saw California recording and attempted to throw a tray of spaghetti at her, but was nailed in the back of the head by a grilled cheese sandwich thrown by FreeStater.

What seemed to go on for hours really only lasted 5 minutes, as staff quickly put a stop to all the fighting.  Nobody was punished though, because basically everybody took part in the food fight.

Kingsfisher, who does not eat in the cafeteria, was wholly confused when he arrived to the geography exam, because everybody’s hair was sticky and their clothes covered in food stains.

“As most of you have hopefully recalled, today is our geography exam.  I hope you came prepared.  Our test will cover many of the topics we have been discussing this unit, including countries, capitals, and seas,” said Mr. Eyesburg.

“Ay teach, did you know that no country in Africa starts with the letter ‘K’?” ItzIngenious called.

“That’s actually not true,” said Mr. Eyesburg, adjusting his glasses, “In eastern Africa, Kenya-”

“Kenya put deez nuts (censored)!” ItzIngenious called out.

Nobody laughed.

"Cringe." California scoffed.

"This is vhy næbody likings du." Norway laughed.

Mr. Eyesburg walked around the class, passing out the tests.

"The top 40 scorers will be listed in the hallway. Keep your eyes on your own papers."

"Eu are so nervôus for this teste," Brazil wiped her forehead.

“The hell is this?” Missouri demanded.

Mr. Eyesburg looked up from his computer.  “No talking, class.”

“Bulls**t,” Missouri muttered. He began doodling grotesque images onto his exam sheet.

20 minutes into class

“Finished!” McKenzieFam exclaimed.

Mr. Eyesburg glared at him, and shushed him aggresively.

“Oh!  Sorry, sir,” McKenzieFam apologized.

“What nerd,” said Mongolia, rolling her eyes.

Suddenly, a loud crash came from the back of the classroom. Paraguay had tipped over his desk, spilling papers and supplies.

Mr. Eyesburg cursed under his breath.  “Paraguay, pick that up right now,” he barked.

“YUO NO MAKE ME, FOOL,” Paraguay yelled.  He then started to thrash around in his wheelchair and began screaming at the top of his lungs.

“Paraguay, cut the crap now or I’ll call campus security,” Mr. Eyesburg warned.

Paraguay paid him no attention, but ripped of his shirt and threw it at Bolivia.

“Estupido!” Bolivia cried.  “Paraguay, yuo stop ahora!”

Paraguay was still flailing around in his wheelchair, screaming, when campus security arrived a minute later.  With the help of Bolivia, they coerced him out of the classroom.

“Alright, uh, back to your tests,” Mr. Eyesburg said awkwardly.  “Forget that ever happened.”

Everybody went back to their exam sheet, however with Paraguay’s spectacle fresh in mind, nobody really got any work done.

Eventually the allotted time for the exam was over, and Mr. Eyesburg stood up.  “I’ll be coming around to collect your tests now,” he said.

Missouri finished his drawing as Mr. Eyesburg approached him.  “Here’s my test, teach,” he said, grinning.

Mr. Eyesburg took one look at the paper and immediately went pale.  “My… my wife,” he said incredulously.

Missouri laughed and walked away.

“Class is dismissed,” said Mr. Eyesburg feebly.

In the school parking lot…

“And now, after I plug this red wire into my Neo-Lithium Supercombustion Particle Explosionator Jumbowumbo Machine, my life’s work shall be complete!” McKenzieFam exclaimed.

McKenzieFam moved the wire closer and closer to his machine.  His heart was pounding in his chest.  Suddenly, he felt himself drifting away.

“Oh no,” he cried, raising his left pointer finger to the sky, “I feel myself being propelled into a slideshow of my traumatic and self-shaping childhood experiences!  What shall I do!”  At that moment, he blacked out.

Flashback

“McKenzieFam, get out of bed!” a gruff male voice shouted.  McKenzieFam’s eyes fluttered open, and he saw his step-father’s silhouette standing in front of him.

“Oh dear!  It’s my abusive step-father!  Quick, I must devise a devious plan!” McKenzieFam thought for a hard second, then pulled the covers over his face.

McKenzieFam’s stepdad sighed, and left the room.

…

“Eat up, McKenzieFam,” McKenzieFam’s mother said, pouring him a bowl of cornflakes.

“Cornflakes again!  This is delusional, but I understand it now!  I am being poisoned!” McKenzieFam exclaimed, “Fool me not, evil woman!”  He picked up the cereal bowl and hurled it across the room.  It collided into the wall with a crash.

“McKenzieFam!” McKenzieFam’s mother said, horrified.  “Unacceptable behavior!  You’re walking to school today.”

“You… you don’t love me!” McKenzieFam wailed.

…

“Hey, science nerd!  Give me all your lunch money, or I’m gonna give you a swirlie!” Russia said, pushing McKenzieFam.

“Foul brute!  I laugh in the face of danger, you’ll never take me alive!” said McKenzieFam.

Russia looked at him awkwardly.  “So, uhhh… are you gonna hand over the money?”

“Never!” McKenzieFam cried.

…

McKenzieFam arrived to his next period 5 minutes late that day, his hair soaking wet.  Everybody stared as he walked into the classroom.

“Uh… McKenzieFam?  Do you mind taking a seat?” Mr. Dimby said,  “And please, try to dry your hair.”

In the back of the classroom, Russia whispered something to North Korea and they both laughed.

“Teacher, Yoda once said, ‘Do or do not, there is no try’.  Do you wish me to dry my hair, or not?” McKenzieFam said.

“Oh my god, McKenzieFam, just SIT DOWN,” Mr. Dimby demanded.

Everybody in the class began to laugh and point at McKenzieFam.

“All you guys, all you haters… I shall prove you wrong someday!” McKenzieFam promised.

End flashback

“Time… to prove the haters wrong!” McKenzieFam said to nobody in particular.  He brought the red wire into its socket, and then retreated clear of his machine.

For a minute, nothing happened.  McKenzieFam realized that the experiment may have been a failure.  Suddenly though, the machine began to whir.  It got louder and louder, until eventually sparks began to fly out of it.  One of the sparks flew onto a patch of grass, igniting a small flame.

“It’s… it’s beautiful.  I shall call it… the Inferno,” said McKenzieFam, a tear in his eye.

He stood there for another five minutes, admiring his machine as it did absolutely nothing.  Next to him, the flames began to reach the school lawn.

Suddenly, a mysterious, pitch black orb appeared above the machine.  The orb began to suck tiny rocks and other minuscule things into it, until eventually it grew in size.  McKenzieFam stood there, observing his creation.

As if drawn to the orb, McKenzieFam’s machine began to float into the sky.  It floated higher and higher, until eventually it reached the orb.  The machine vanished the second it touched the mysterious black object.

After engulfing McKenzieFam’s machine, the orb grew again in size.  The sky turned dark, and the flames vanished.  It was at that moment that McKenzieFam realized he might be in a bit of danger.

Struggling against the orb’s pull, McKenzieFam pushed himself further away.  Each step felt like he was dragging a hundred pounds, but eventually he made it to the school, which he took cover inside.  Once he felt safe, he peered out a window to view the orb’s destruction again.

Only one car was left in McKenzieFam’s parking lot, but McKenzieFam could make it out as principal Nickelz’s expensive Rolls Royce.  “I give my apologies, Mr. Nickelz, but your car shall be lost in the name of science!” McKenzieFam said.

Sure enough, the car was slowly being dragged towards the orb, until eventually it was completely off the ground.  McKenzieFam watched the spectacle, entranced.  “Any second now…,” McKenzieFam whispered.

Mr. Nickelz’s car reached the orb and vanished.  The collision resulted in a blinding white light, forcing McKenzieFam to shut his eyes.  When he opened them, the skies were blue again and the orb had disappeared.

“Eureka, for I have done it!  I have created the first man-made black hole!” cried McKenzieFam, falling to his knees.  He began sobbing in joy.  “I shall be greater than Newton, greater than Einstein!  Alas, I have finally proved the haters wrong!”

That night…

"Hello, my friends... and... ItzIngenious... Anyway, welcome to my annual Christmas extravaganza! The theme tonight is... Slayyyyy! Like... Santa's sleigh? Get it?" California stammered.

"Errm..." Egypt looked around in confusion.

"Booooooo!" Someone from the crowd bellowed.

"Nevermind. Anyways! I just want to remind everyone that the food is over at that table." California pointed to the long table at the back of the ballroom, with an adornment of assorted international foods to please the diverse crowd.

The grand ballroom was a breathtaking sight, adorned with twinkling lights and festive decorations that captured the magic of the holiday season. Crystal chandeliers hung from the high, ornate ceilings, casting a warm glow over the polished wooden floors that reflected the shimmering light.

Garlands of evergreen intertwined with the strands of white-and-gold tinsel, draping along the elegant banisters and  tall windows. Each window was framed with lace curtains, and the panes were frosted with artificial snow. Silver and red balloons were scattered around the ballroom.

In the corners, towering Christmas trees stood, festooned with colorful ornaments, fairy lights, popcorn tied on a string, and ribbons, the branches dusted with artificial snow.

The table showcased an array of international delicacies. Platters overflowed with foods, such as empanadas, curries, and antipasti. Freshly baked baguettes and cheeses with fine wines and sushi rolls with sashimi. Pav bhaji and papadams.

German stollen, Italian panettone, and Mexican buñuelos, alongside a beautiful gingerbread village that seemed almost too perfect to eat. A punch bowl brimming with a spi(c / k)ed holiday concoction sat surrounded by glasses filled with eggnog, wine, and fruit juices.

The air was filled with the soft melodies of enchanting holiday music.

"I'll be here all night if anyone wants to dance or take a selfie. Now let's have fun!" California raised her glass.

And with that, the party commenced.

Everyone was dancing and having fun around the ballroom as the glittery chandeliers shone down on them.

Connecticut was doing a very elaborate dance, as most of the girls stared at him in awe. He had a striped candy cane in his mouth.

Canada began suggestively licking and sucking on the candy cane. When they made eye contact, Canada winked at him.

"What the hell are you doing?" England asked.

"Shut the (censored) up, I think he's into it." Canada continued.

Connecticut rolled his eyes, threw the candy cane in the trash, and stormed off.

"Nice one." England laughed.

"Shut the hell up." Canada rolled her eyes playfully.

"He's so hot." England sighed.

"Tell me about it." Canada feigned fanning herself.

"But I have Portugal." England daydreamed about her handsome (?) boyfriend.

"You're so lucky. I wish I had a boyfriend." Canada pouted.

"What about United States?" England asked.

"Ew, hell no. He's such a pig." Canada sneered.

Wales and Scotland were dancing in a group on the other side of the ballroom, close to the food table.

"England looks really lovely tonight, doesn’t it?" Wales asked.

"She's aw yours, mate." Scotland rolled his eyes, not exactly concealing his obvious immense crush on England.

ItzIngenious, however, was trying to remove the Tupperware containers from his bulky jacket.

"What am you doings?" Kenya asked.

"Can you piss off? I have a lot of things to do at this party. The food is running out, and I need to take enough to last me the whole week." ItzIngenious replied.

...

In another corner of the room, California was dancing by herself.

One of her few actual friends, Hawaii, suddenly popped up.

"California, I would just like to inform you that ItzIngenious has brought Tupperware to your party to steal all your food." Hawaii said.

"Oh did he? He has some nerve considering he wasn't even invited." California scoffed.

ItzIngenious was, in fact, attempting to steal as much food as possible.

"What are you doing?" New Mexico asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm grabbing enough brigadeiros to last me the rest of the week. Now, please grab the container I left over there and start filling it up with food from the other end of the table. I haven't gotten over there yet." ItzIngenious demanded.

New Mexico shrugged, and picked up the container.

As he left, California showed up.

"Hello, ItzIngenious." California offered.

"What?" ItzIngenious replied flippantly.

"Sorry, it's just that I don't recall sending you an invitation to this party." California pointed out.

"Maybe it's because you suffer from short-term memory loss." ItzIngenious replied as he attempted to shove four baklava in his mouth at once.

"Or maybe it's because I didn't invite you!" California yelled.

ItzIngenious swallowed the baklava and the smug grin returned to his face.

"How's the food?" California asked rhetorically.

"Eh. Your 4th of July party food was better. Also, I think you're running out of brigadeiros."

"Funny, because I ordered 300. I wonder where they all went." California replied.

"No idea. Probably Nauru ate it. We all know how much of a fat*ss he is." ItzIngenious laughed.

"Funny, because I just saw you stuffing all of my food into containers large enough to feed a medium-sized family for a month! Leave my party now before I spread a rumor about you that is so bad you will have to leave the school, maybe even the country!" California threatened.

"You'll have to catch me first." ItzIngenious took off in a sprint through the house.

"Come back here!" California stumbled after him, although her high heels made it quite hard to run.

She wobbled right past Illinois, who was shuffling in a corner by herself and sipping some lotoko. "For once I have to admit, California did a great job with this party. But I would never tell her that."

She stumbled backwards into the curtains, bumping into two people that were kissing behind them. They were immediately identified to be Russia and Belarus.

"Sorry." Illinois offered as both of them stormed off angrily. She then took off into a run as she chased Nevada away from trying to slip substances in the punch bowl.

"Oh mein got." Germany scrolled through his Twitter page. "Lük at das!"

He slipped his phone to Colombia.

"Not cúl." Colombia shook his head as he perused the page. There was a steady stream of racist Countryballs comics coming from United States' Twitter account. "Que idiota."

"Most of thjem är about Mexico." Norway sighed in disapproval.

"I hating Amerika." Sierra Leone shook her head.

Meanwhile, North Korea almost peed himself as he laughed hysterically as he released the racist memes through United States' hacked account.

"Oh my god." Maryland exclaimed as she bumped into Fiji.

"What?" Fiji replied.

"You're wearing the same dress as me, and you're fat, so you're making me look bad by association." Maryland stated flatly.

"Wow, (censored)." Fiji looked astonished.

"Deal with it. Maybe less burgers and more Ozempic?" Maryland offered.

Fiji shoulder-checked Maryland as she knocked her down. "Wow."

"Don't worry. She's just mad because she lost the election to McHottie- I mean Connecticut." Canada giggled as she helped up Fiji.

Suddenly, a shrill scream was heard coming from outside.  Everybody rushed to the door and to windows to try and see what was happening.

“Is somebody getting murdered… I mean slayyyyed… out there?” California said excitedly, pulling out her phone.

“Que mier**!” Bolivia screamed.

“Oh, so that idiot is ruining my party.”  California opened Instagram and began posting rude stories about an alleged secret relationship between Paraguay and Bolivia.

“MOVE,” Bolivia shouted, trying to get inside the house.  Everybody moved away from the door to let Bolivia in.

Bolivia looked around until she saw California.  She then frantically ran over to the other girl.  “Paraguay lighting yuo tree on fuego!” Bolivia shouted at California.

“Gosh, you’re so dramatic,” said California, “This is why I have more followers than you.”

“Estúpida!” Bolivia exclaimed, “Call la policia!”

“Ugh, fine, whatever,” California said,  “Just make sure you get it on camera!  Think of how many views me saving the day would get…,” she elbowed Singapore in the ribs.

California waited for Singapore to record, then dialed 911.  “Hello?  Yes, this moron lit a Christmas tree in my front yard on fire, it’s really not slaying… Yes, I’m hosting a party… No, he’s not dangerous… my address is….”

Once everybody realized why the party had stopped, hysteria broke out.  Everybody scrambled to make it out the door first, and some windows were smashed so people could get out that way.

“Ugh... At least Singapore is recording… SINGAPORE?” California shouted, looking around for him.  Singapore, just like everybody else, was racing to the door attempting to flee the house.

In a matter of minutes, almost nobody was left at the party.  Shortly after, police and firefighters arrived to detain Paraguay and put out the blaze.  California posted about her party on all her socials, then went to bed.

She awoke the next day to see herself being ratioed on Twitter by ItzIngenious.

I hope you enjoyed, and if you did, perhaps we will collaborate on more blogs.

Speaking of collaborations, I have two blogs that will be released soon, be on the lookout.

Please like and comment. Thanks for reading. 🇦🇲