The Office - Dwight Logic - Random

"Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don't hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren't smart. They just like pushing things."

"You only live once? False. You live every day. You only die once."

"I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most."

"Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So, Jim is actually my friend. But because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so, actually, Jim is my enemy."

"I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England."

"Before I do anything I ask myself, ‘Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing."

"Will I get over it? Mmm. No. But life goes on."

"Those who can't farm, farm celery."

"Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when you're gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone."

"It's a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos"

"Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."

"Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's."

"It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."

"In an ideal world, I would have all 10 fingers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching."

Pam: "Dwight, am I hot right now?"
Dwight: "Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction."